Lie Lie Lie

Hullo!

I'm so tired I am dilerious.  I had a hair appointment tonight (first haircut in 3-4 months) and after I needed to run by the grocery store to get Jack's prescription filled.  (Also, John had a hankering for ice cream and I told him I'd pick some up).  It was 8 pm and I sat in the parking lot before stepping out of the car just feeling...bleh!  Rubbing my eyes trying to gain some sort of...I don't know...normal feelings.  I hate it when I'm so tired that I am not really even aware of the people around me.  I remember this kid doing some strange dance in front of the security cameras coming into the store as I was leaving.  And this manager telling one of the employees she is so sorry she forgot about her.  You know when you just have these small glimpses but are just...out of it.  That's how I feel!  I didn't even know what the shampoo girl looked like until I had to look at her because she started going on and on about how Halloween is her favorite holiday of the year...more than her birthday even.  Anyway, I'm tired.  WHY am I tired? BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So he has had his share of health issues.  Three kidney infections, C. Diff, two ear infections, colds, yada yada.  I've gotten used to responding to everything with him...because of course, if he's sick, than that's what I'm goin to do! But now, oh WOW.  He loves sleeping in my bed.  Seriously!  He stretches out like a king with almost a grin on his face. So I got in this bad habit of bringing him into bed with us when he wakes up and I want to sleep...so much easier than dealing with his waking up all night.  I may have created a monster...not sure.  He wakes up soooooooooooooo much.  WOAH.  And he wants to be in our bed!  I had to take him to the pediatrician today for a follow up appt after his most recent kidney infection.  She said that first of all, around the nine month mark, they do tend to regress with sleep...they become more aware of the world around them.  But that we need to just pick a time, gut up and get Jack to stop associating MY BED (ME) with sleep.  Ugh.  Again?  We've had to do this before too.  It works quickly but its hard!  So tonight John is in charge.  When Jack wakes up, John has to basically go in and say, Hi Jack...its 1:30 AM...go to sleep.  Goodnight.  Something like that.  Something to let Jack know we're there but not playing.  As the doctor is telling me this, Jack is throwing his normal fits.  He's gotten pretty cranky lately b/c he is not really sleeping anymore...she pointed out I need sleep to be best for him and he needs sleep too!  And it's true.  So that's it...no more!  He has to learn.  I know everyone has their differing opinions on sleep methods but at the end of the day, it really does come down to you, your kid, your family and what works best.  I just can't go on anymore with so little sleep.  Over the weekend he was waking up every hour on the hour until I brought him into my bed.  My sleep method is to do what works, be consistent, and then lie to everyone who disagrees with  me?  You believe in co-sleeping and baby wearing?  ME TOO!  You believe in  Cry-it-out?  ME TOO!  You believe in whatever?  ME TOO!  I honestly don't care b/c I  hate hearing peoples opinions.  I'm too tired to have a discussion with anyone about their opinion. BAH!  I'm tired.  Going to sleep.  If you disagree with me, then lie.  Or else...we're not friends anymore.  HAHAHA.  Kidding kind of.  This is what sleep deprivation can do to a person!  I can't even carry a conversation and my tooth hurts so now I'm worried I have something wrong with my teeth.  GOODNIGHT!

It's a MIRACLEEEE!

This morning Jack woke up at 5:00 AM and after he finished eating around 6:00 AM, he didn't want to go back to sleep.  I was like, ughhhh.  I try not to complain too much since he did go to sleep around 8:00 pm which is a great stretch but still!  So I brought him into bed with John and I...he snoozed a little more but he is so noisy when he sleeps!  How do people co-sleep!?  I'd have to wear some heavy duty ear plugs...or maybe you get used to it...who knows.  Anyway...he snoozed until about 7:30 AM.  We decided to skip church for the sake of me being able to continue trying to establish his nap "routine"....or at least, teach him to sleep in the crib during the day.

Anywho...around 8:30, I put him back in his crib.  He slept until 9:30.  This is pretty typical now...WHEN he sleeps in the crib, he'll sleep for about 45 minutes to an hour.  I think that is because they say babies wake up about every 30 minutes to an hour.  (Adults wake up about every hour and a half supposively.)  I think when he wakes up and remembers he is in the crib, he is like, "OKAY GET ME OUT OF HERE. MWAAAA!!!"  Today, we might have just had a breakthrough!  I put him back down to sleep at 10:45...he cried off and on until about 11:00...and its now 12:45 pm and he is sleeping!  That probaby means that he decided he could continue on instead of crying.  I'm pretty happy about this!

I have to admit...he was losing his cuteness in my eyes.  All this crabiness and tiredness and refusing naps in the crib...I was like, you know...you're looking kind of fat kiddo...not so cute anymore.  But now...NOW he is looking (and acting) absolutely adorable! :)  I told my mom he isn't cute anymore and she said, "Oh thats just b/c you're mad at him for not napping."  Who knew she had me figured out so well!

When he wakes up, I think we'll go for our daily walk.  I like going when he is awake b/c he likes to look around the whole time...and then I also know that a potential crib nap (which is what I'm going for) is not replaced by a stroller nap...the book I'm reading says naps in motion (cars, strollers, etc) are not AS good (but still good) as naps in the crib. 

SO, in conclusion, I DO LET MY BABY CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Can you tell this is a source of conflict for me?  I write about it all the time!  But its working for us so...I just hope he isn't completely damaged when he grows up.

Being a mom is hard!

Ughhhh.  I have to blog when I am having a little motherhood crisis!

This sleep thing is just killer!!!  Jack is a A+ sleeper at night but an F- sleeper during the day.  Since Friday (so almost a week) I've been working with him on naps.  I know he is still too young to have a routine per say...but he definitely still needs naps.  I know I can't be so rigid as to say...at 10:00 AM and 2:00 PM he will sleep for two hours every day.  But I can watch for his sleep cues and when I see him  get tired, put him in his crib for a nap.  He hates it!  He hates sleeping in his crib when its light outside (his nursery is dark but not AS dark as night).

I feel like I know my kid and I'm doing what I have to do for him and I'm doing what works for him...which like I've mentioned in previous posts, involves crying.  But I can't help but feel like a bad mom!  Every doctor will say something different.  My doctors tend to say to let the baby cry, teach them how to sleep now, it will only get harder and they need sleep...it produces happier baby, happier parents and the baby is developmentally better off.  My friends doctor told her not to let them cry it out until they're over four months.  And then there is the question...how long do you let the baby cry it out for!

I think us moms need to go with what our instinct tells us...b/c I think it must be different for every baby and for every parent!  But its so hard not to question myself...and wonder if I'm really damaging my baby and if he'll stop trusting me, etc.

Last Friday was day one of me trying to teach Jack to take a nap.  The naps were not long but I'd say he slept in his crib for a total of an hour that day.  Well that night, John got home, and Jack actually LAUGHED and smiled with John for a good 10 or 15 minutes...that never happens!  Jack is usually too irritable (probably from lack of sleep).  So I thought, I MUST be doing the right thing...he is happy!  But 6 days later, I still want to cry when I start to wonder what I'm doing?  I just hope I'm not doing anything that will harm him later. 

I can't believe he will be 2 months old on Tuesday!  Time flies.

I'm a Mom!

I'm a mom!  I have wanted to start writing all about it from day 1...but Jack is now 22 days old and I'm just starting!

I had hoped to write in detail about my experiences before I forgot anything...things like...giving birth with no epidural but NOT by choice!  The feelings I had for the first two weeks...being completely overwhelmed, wondering "What have I done!?", crying constantly...hormones!  Oh yeah, and breast feeding!  That was tough at the beginning!  I will hopefully write about those topics later but in this post, I'm going to just start writing and see where it takes me.

As I write this, I'm listening to my baby cry.  YES!!!  I'm LISTENING to him CRY!!!  I learned quickly not to talk too much about my parenting tactics...as it quickly invites feedback from lots of people with different opinions.  If I already felt evil for letting Jack "cry it out", I felt even more evil after listening to everyone and their mother's opinions on the matter.  (Some people think that you will damage your baby psychologically by letting them cry at this age, or that your baby will stop crying eventually because they just don't trust you and don't expect you to help.) 

My  goal is for Jack to nap IN HIS CRIB once before noon, and once after noon and at night.   At night, we put him in his crib to sleep and yes, the first time we put him down for the night, we do have to listen to him "cry it out"...luckily, I'm married to The Baby Whisperer.  More about that later...

So how did I decide on the "cry it out" method?

It all started on February 23rd, 2010, the day Jack was born.  The hospital told us to do as much "skin-on-skin" time as possible.  Actually, I enjoyed this.  It reminds the baby of being in the womb (I guess) and promotes an easier "transition"...I still do not know what that is supposed to mean but it must be good!  For the first two weeks, they encouraged as much skin-on-skin time as possible.  We took this to heart and Jack was curled up against our chests in frog position around the clock.  We came home from the hospital on Wednesday, the 24th...and of course, when it was bed time, I put him in his crib!  Where else?!  (I always thought it was ridiculous to hear of people who had their kids in bed with them.)  Well, I was in for a rude awakening.  Jack hated the crib.  So I quickly picked him up and tucked him in with me...only I couldnt sleep!  I was worried I'd roll on him!  So we moved down to the basement and slept in the recliner together...which is where we slept for several nights.  After acquiring a huge knot in my back and missing my husband WAY too much, Jack and I decided to move back up to the bed to see if we could both get better sleep.  (In the recliner, Jack woke up to eat constantly...at least every hour I'd say.)  Jack and I got maybe slightly better sleep in the bed, but John moved into the guest room...we figured, at least one person needed to get sleep and since John can't breastfeed, it would be him!  Well another week went by and I was getting more and more exhausted, ovewhelmed, and depressed.  Johns sister came to visit that afternoon and asked where Jack was sleeping.  When I told her in bed with me, she told me I would kill him and Jack would possibly die.  Gotta love this type of advice.  Actually, co-sleeping is considered to be best by many but we won't go into that.  But I did miss being able to sleep in the same bed with John and having at least SOME of what I considered to be "normal".  The truth was, I was worried about rolling on Jack or covering him too much with the sheets and wasn't sleeping well at all.  He was waking up every hour and a half...it was tough.  The next day we had his two week appointment with the doctor.  I asked her (she is rated top doctor by washingtonian magazine so she must know what she's doing) for her input on the sleep situation and she told me, I need to let him cry!  He NEEDS to sleep in his crib and right now, his only "sleep association" is me.  she explained that we all have sleep associations.  For example, as adults, we association our beds with sleep.  If we went to bed, and woke up under the dining room table, we'd get up and go back to bed.  Jack had learned ME as his sleep association...and so when I put him down ANYWHERE, day or night, whether it be the crib, the pack n' play, the swing, ANYWHERE (even his dads arms), he would cry and cry until I picked him back up.  And since I never let him cry, I was ALWAYS carrying him.  So she said, I need to teach him new sleep associations...his crib, maybe a bath could eventually be part of the routine...and she said when I do put him in his crib, he needs to be at least slightly awake so he learns to fall asleep in his crib.  Babies wake up every 45 minutes and so if I put him in his crib asleep, 45 minutes he'll wake up crying!  Hearing her tell me it was really important to let him cry and teach him to sleep in his crib was exactly what I wanted to hear!  I kept asking her if he was too young to let cry, if I would scar him, etc...she said, "He does NOT look like the type of kid who is going to be neglected."  She said he just needs to know that at night, I do my job, I make sure he is clean, changed, and fed...she didn't think he'd cry for more than 15-20 minutes but said if he does, to just go in the room, and pat his head or whatever.  So...we did this. 

Night One:  He cried for an hour and a half.  Torture!  I cried the whole time too!  This wasn't full fledged crying..just random outbursts...we reassured him every 20 minutes or so...after an hour and a half, I picked him up and fed him, put him back down...and he went to sleep WITHOUT crying...for 4.5 hours!  He woke up again, I fed him, changed him, put him back down, and he slept for 3.5 hours!  Same thing again and he slept for 2 hours!  The next night he only cried for 20 minutes.  We have nights that are great (one nigth he slept 6 hours straight) and the regress to where he wakes up every two hours)...We have nights where he hardly cries at all the first time I put him down, and nights where we have to go in every ten minutes or so for an hour or a little more to reassure him.  I promised myself I would no longer post anything on Facebook about what I'm doing b/c I can't handle people telling me that I'm doing the wrong thing.  I promised myself I would no longer read books or message boards online b/c there are so many different opinions out there...I constantly second guess myself and wonder if I'm doing the right thing...and when you're completely exhausted by the time bedtime rolls around, listening to your baby cry and wondering if you're causing major psychological damage by letting him cry (which is what MANY people believe)...its TOO hard.  I decided from now on, when I have any question, I'll call the advice nurse at the pediatrician or ask the doctor...and then listen to them.  Why would I have them as doctors if I dont trust what they tell me?  I think we have to do what we believe is best in our gut!  We have to do what will keep us sane and make us the best parents!  We also need to do what is best for the baby!  By evening, Jack is sometimes so overtired (he stays alert for long periods during the day without napping some days) and so overstimulated from me carrying him around everywhere and taking him places, that he won't sleep ANYWHERE (not even in my arms) without crying for a long time!  So, I do think we're taking the right aproach with him.  He's been napping IN HIS CRIB for the last 30 minutes and he only cried (little outbursts nothing major) for about 5-10 minutes.

So we have had some huge breakthroughs with Jack in just three weeks.

Breakthrough #1:  Breastfeeding!  I cried and cried.  This was so hard!  I thought we'd never learn!  But we did...and it didn't take long!  Now, he's becoming pretty chunky (In fact, I want to ask the doctor if babies can gain TOO much weight on breastmilk).  He also loves nursing and it sooths him so I'm happy to have something so easy that will stop crying and even put him to sleep...I know, I'm supposed to put him to sleep awake but I don't always do that...sometimes I cheat :)  One more thing...the doctor wants him to ideally be taking at least one nap in the morning in his crib, and one nap in the afternoon.  So thats my goal.  I find even if its for just 20 minutes, it helps him cry less at night since I feel like he must remember the crib from the afternoon.  If we go an entire day with no crib, the crib seems to annoy him more by the evening and we go through more crying.

Breakthrough #2:  Sleeping!  We went from him being held by me 95% of the day and night.  He wouldnt let anyone else hold him...he'd turn himself inside out to get back to me if he heard my voice.  He woke up every hour and a half.  NOW, a typical night consists of him sleeping his long stretch of anywhere from 4-6 hours.  He wakes up so happy :)  And I sometimes feel like waking him up b/c I can't wait to cuddle with him!

Every day is a new challenge and I realize there is so much to learn!  I decided early on that I would focus on only one thing at a time.  I wanted to master breast feeding before I worried about sleep.  Which we did!  But sleep became a big issue!  Now, I can see we're well on our way to mastering sleep.  I wonder what the next hurdle will be!

Tonight we have his first St. Paddy's Day Celebration at my Mother-In-Law's.  I'm nervous b/c I notice the more I take him out, the more crying he does at night before he goes to sleep.  I think its because he gets so tired...but St. Patricks Day is a huge deal to my mother-in-law!  So we'll be there in the St Patricks Day outfit she bought him.

I also can't wait to blog about how I'm so excited for my friends to have their babies (lots of pregnant friends!), for how nervous I am about returning back to work and how I really don't want to, how John really is a Baby Whisperer, how the baby seems to look like his dad but have my temperment (uh oh), and maybe even about the baby products I've learned to love.  Maybe eventually I can start to blog about things non-baby related but that seems to be my world right now...which I will also blog about!  How can something so little mean so much!?