Goodnesssssssssss......

I could use everyone's prayers.  We need to make sure our next daycare is a KEEPER.  We will be using a daycare CENTER and I want to make sure we pick the right one.  The last thing I want to is switch Jack again.  I dont want to switch him now and I dont want to switch him again.  I dont even think I could.  He is not an adaptable kid, that's for sure.  So, prayers for us as we try to pick a new place!

THANK YOU!

Daycare SUCKS.

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  (Remember that book?  Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day)

So if you read my blog, you know by now that I am constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY, torn about whether I should be working or staying at home with Jack.  I'll reach a place where I feel at peace with my decision and it might last a month before I'm thrown for a loop again and its all over.  I may be thrown for a loop when Jack gets sick, or someone makes a comment I take personally, or DAYCARE ISSUES.  DAYCARE ISSUES SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John has been travelling in San Francisco all week and I haven't been able to talk to him much because of the time difference.  His flight gets in tonight at 1:30 AM...I will be so happy to have him home.  He does so much to help that I apparently take for granted...I'm just completely pooped.  But, speaking of poop...

John typically drops Jack off at daycare around 7:00 or 7:15 AM.  I pick Jack up at 4:00 pm.  Since John is out of town, I dropped Jack off at daycare in the morning, my mother in law picked Jack up for me in the afternoon so I could stay late at work to make up the time.  So I got home yesterday and Mary Ellen, my mother-in-law, happened to mention in passing that Jack seemed happy when she picked him up but he was pretty mad when Z was changing his diaper.  This is an important fact to remember...Z changing his diaper at 4:00 pm.

I use cloth diapers so I know how often he is changed b/c all the used diapers come back to me tied in a wet bag.  Each night I take out the wetbag from the diaper pail and throw it in the diaper pail until I'm ready to wash the diapers.  I don't use cloth diapers for the purpose of keeping track of how often he is changed, but it does allow me to do so. 

Well, Jack seems to have a constant diaper rash.  If its not a full fledged rash, its just red and irritated.  I kept thinking he must just have very sensitive skin.  Well, yesterday evening I was changing his diaper and thought to myself, jeez...diaper rash again.  I told myself to check the wet bag to see how many diapers Z had used that day.  I was just curious.  I forgot to check last night but this morning, I checked real quick right before I loaded Jack in the car to bring him to daycare.  To my dismay, there was only ONE dirty diaper in the bag.  Z had only changed him ONE time, the entire day, at 4:00 pm.  Meaning, Jack had not been changed one time from when I had changed him around 6:45 AM, til 4:00 pm when my mother in law picked him up.  That is just neglectful!  We have had to address this issue with Z before...but its never been this bad.  It was one time pretty bad but she was VERY apologetic and seemed to have a legitimate excuse that worked for me.  But I can't tolerate this.  I am not very confrontational, although I'm sure John would disagree ;).  But I have to make sure my son is taken care of.  So when I dropped him off, I very nicely said, "Z, could you change Jack at least three times today?  You know, b/c of diaper rash and stuff?"  She said, "The diaper rash is b/c of you."  I said, "You only changed him once yesterday."  She said, "He didn't have diaper rash yesterday."  I said, "I don't care about diaper rash.  I don't want him sitting in a wet diaper all day."  She said, "Okay"...but I was upset that she is actually trying to blame me for diaper rash.  I CHANGE HIS DIAPER.  Gah!

So since John is out of town, I can't talk to him...it was something like 4:00 AM in San Fransisco when this was happening.  My poor, poor co-workers.  They had to listen to me go on and on all day, crying off and on.  ugh.  So I text my friend, who upon my recommendation, had moved her son to Z's daycare two weeks ago.  I said, "I'm disturbed b/c Z only changed Jack once yesterday."  She responded by saying last week when her husband picked up her 18 month old, her son hadn't been changed at all, the entire day.  She knows that b/c she had brought him to a doctors appointment that morning and had used one of the doctors diapers, which are different than hers.  That's how she knew he hadn't been changed.

There is a 2 1/2 year old at daycare named Cash.  He is a bully!  He hits Jack (he even hits me sometimes).  When I picked up Jack the other day, he pushed my friends son, TWICE!  Luckily, her son is very easy going but I said, "Wow, Cash is mean."  Z has said he only does this when I'm there which may be the case but, still...  Z responded, "That's just how boys are."  I said, "No, it isn't."  She knew this bothered me so she said a couple days later that she had "talked" to Cash about the hitting.  I'm sure that a "talk" is effective with a two year old.  (NOT) So this was already a concern of mine and the diaper issue is just...too much.

John says we should talk to her, get her on some sort of system...I think he actually used the words "help her with process improvement."  Oh John, that's endearing.  But NO...that's not going to work.  I should never have to ever address diaper changing...you are a DAYCARE PROVIDER.  CHANGE THE DIAPERS.  I was talking to my sister in law, Whitney.  She said..."WHAT!  That's neglectful!  You pay her to keep him safe and clean!"  I was like, you're right!  It already bothered me that every day his face is dirty with dried up food but I never saw that as a deal breaker...I'd just clean him up when I got home.  But you know, I don't think he is probably comfortable with food all over his face, just like I wouldn't be.  So keep his face clean, keep his diaper clean, don't neglect your kids.

My friend and I decided we will try taking the daycare center route.  This is the second in-home daycare for both of us.  We called around and think we MIGHT have an answer...this place won't have a spot for Jack until February but I don't mind leaving him with Z until then and just knowing I'll have to stay all over her to make sure she does these basic fundamental daycare tasks.  GRRRR....I'm so mad about this. 

Also, I really feel like I'm a bad mom.  Having to move Jack for the THIRD TIME since apparently I am AWFUL at picking a good daycare.  Ugh.  Horrible.

The Milk Memos

After I wrote my small blog excerpt yesterday, the day only improved. I met with my supervisor at 1 for a meeting I requested. I wanted to talk to her about telework and I wanted to talk to her about my projects and making sure I stay busy so my days go fast and I feel like if I have to be away from my baby, at least I’m doing important work and contributing. Well, the meeting was great. I was concerned about teleworking. I turned down the opportunity before my maternity leave. I thought (and others think) that when you’re new, it is important to be seen around the office. I asked Linda if she thought teleworking would hurt me professionally. She told me it won’t hurt me a bit and that I’ve been here for almost one year. We’ll start with one day a week in June, then move to two days a week. I’m thrilled. I’ll be able to spend an hour of lunch with Jack each afternoon. I’ll be able to drop him at 7 and pick him up at 3:30 and maybe feed him each day so I only have to pump the three days/week I’m in the office. How convenient to have him so close by with the sitter. Anyway, we’re so fortunate to work for such a family-friendly agency (John and I work for the same government agency) where we have these benefits like alternate work schedules (John has every other Friday off) and telework (between John and I we’ll be teleworking three days/week). So today, I feel better again. I guess it’s natural to be up and down for the first few weeks while you leave your baby at home and go to work. I’m used to it  I can switch emotions pretty quickly!




So in addition to the telework, Linda, my supervisor, answered a lot of questions for me on my projects, I let her know where I’m interested in becoming more involved. And she told me multiple times how happy they are to have me back, how they think I do a great job, etc. It just made me feel awesome. Did I mention when I came back to work there was a “Welcome Back” banner at my cube (made by my boss!!!) signed with little notes by all of my coworkers? I’m so lucky…I have great coworkers.



John stayed with Jack all day yesterday. My grandma and him are switching off for the next couple of weeks. I came home, and Jack was in a GREAT mood! John must have done a fantastic job. In fact, Jack didn’t cry at all, all evening. I got home from work at 4 and he never cried…not even going to bed. He was just happy as can be! This morning, I only knew he was awake b/c I heard him sneeze a couple of times in his crib. I went in to check on him to see if he can actually sneeze in his sleep and he was just chillin in his crib, slowly waking up. So I picked him up and fed him. Still, no crying! That rice cereal really did the trick. He still does that choking/gagging thing occasionally (I noticed he did it this morning) so I know the reflux is still there but it must not be as painful b/c he isn’t crying nearly as much. Not only that but I think he is just getting to the age where a lot of the colicky babies outgrow it. But here is the funny thing…John went to bed at like 8:30 or 9 pm. I think all men should play Mr. Mom at least once or twice…they need to know how its so exhausting…b/c its hard to explain that.



I paid the bills last night and paid off Johns car. Not to say it’s only b/c of me we were able to do that but it was a reminder of why its nice that I’m working NOW…so we can do that…then LATER, maybe we’ll try to keep things very simple so that staying home can remain an option for me if I decide that’s best as my kids grow.



So, the reason I wanted to blog today was to tell you about a book entitled “The Milk Memos”. A friend commented on my blog that she would recommend that book…so I ordered it on Amazon immediately. It came yesterday and I have read a couple of chapters today while pumping. I’d have to say it’s a MUST read for any mom’s planning on returning to work and breastfeeding. It’s inspirational even! They also include templates for logging how much you pump and when. Or you can use their template to give to your day care provider on when your baby eats and how much. I really love this book. Answers a ton of good questions. As I sat, pumping, on an open toilet on the first floor of our building (I’m on the 8th floor but found the least used bathroom in the building), I felt like I’m not alone and I’m doing this with tons of other moms out there too! It’s kind of peaceful down there…the lights turn off half way through since there is no movement (motion scensored lighting). We all feel mixed feelings when returning to work and it’s completely normal. And that it’s not even bad if you kind of LIKE working and returning to work…Anyway, I think you should go purchase this book today! I really loved this excerpt and it reminded me of how I was able to reconnect with my friend Sarah, from high school, and her little cutie Bastian.  Here is the excerpt from "The Milk Memos" (by Cate Colburn-Smith and Andrea Serrette).  It is from page 25.

"Find new mommy friends by "flirting" with other moms at the pediatrician's office, at church, in the library, or at your neighborhood park.  Any woman carrying a breaskpump bag is a sure target..." blah blah blah.  I just liked the "flirting with other moms" part.

I'm a wimp!

I think there exists some mothers who can listen to crying and stay strong and have confidence they're doing everything (almost everything) right.  I'm not one of them!  Jack has gotten to the point where he cries almost all of his waking hours.  We'll have a good day here and there...I think probably because he wears himself out so much that he has a day here and there where he will actually sleep some.  But lately, if he is up for 12 hours, he may snooze (like when we're on a walk or whatever) for an hour or two of the day, but cry HARD the rest of the day.  There is absolutely nothing I can do.  The doctor says to just roll with the punches and let him sleep however he'll sleep.  Today he wouldn't even sleep on our walk...he cried the second half of it so I started running so we could get home sooner.  He still was happy for his bath.  He is so miserable I feel sorry for him!  I luckily know that regardless of how his day goes, he'll still be sleeping for the night by 8 pm.  My neighbor, who is 46 years old and mother of 6 (her youngest being 6 months old) tells me her 6 month old who suffers from bad reflux and a peanut allergy (that took about 5 months to discover) still wakes up about every two hours through the night and only stopped crying about a month ago.  Karen took Jack from me and held him for about 15 minutes to give me a break.  She is a baby whisperer...she soothed him pretty fast.  Of course if she stopped moving he would cry but still!  I probably would have a complete meltdown if he wasn't such a good sleeper at night.  He is being baptised this Sunday...I VERY much hope that he has a good day on Sunday so that the party at my parents will be fun.

This morning I took him to the woman who will be watching him after I go back to work.  The lactation consultant at my pediatrician thought I should do that a few times before I go back to work to get them acquainted with each other.  So I did this morning so that John and I could do some shoppin for his party on Sunday.  It was easy in that I know he likes her..he smiles a lot at her.  It was hard in that it reminded me I have to go back to work and I can't stand the thought of leaving him.  I guess I COULD stay home with him but I feel I might enjoy working (always have) and I should give it a fair shot.  I'm glad my babysitter lives next door to the mother of six b/c when Jack did his choking/gagging (b/c of the reflux), the babysitter freaked out and asked Karen what was happening.  Karen explained that its because of the reflux.  The babysitter also thinks maybe he doesn't sleep during the day b/c I hold him too much and Karen also explained that you don't really have a choice with reflux babies.  Although I will give the babysitter credit...when I picked Jack up a few hours later, he was sleeping on his couch surrounded by pillows.  Guess he wouldn't sleep in the pack n' play.  I'm worried about weird things with her though...like will she listen to me when I say not to microwave the milk?  You're not supposed to microwave the milk b/c it will kill some of the good stuff in the milk.  Will she keep track of when he is eating and how much so I know how often to pump and how much I should store up before work?  Will she keep track of when and how long he is sleeping so I know what to shoot for on the weekends?  Maybe I shouldn't expect these things from her.  But most of all, I'm worried about the fact that I'll have only four hours with Jack each night before he goes to bed.  I feel incredibly guilty.  I also feel guilty that I have even attempted letting him cry it out during the day.  I thought I had turned a corner with the naps but apparently not...crying it out during the day just does not work for Jack so I'm just going to continue the long walks and carrying him in the carrier all day to build in sleep.  The doctor thinks that during the day, just do whatever it takes to get him to sleep and I don't need to let him cry it out too much until maybe he is four months or so.

I'm concerned people will think I'm miserable after reading my blog...which I'm not!  My BABY seems to be miserable but I'm in love :)  And John and I have never had anything better than Jack.  But it IS an adventure!  I  guess parenthood can be hard to describe...very challenging but the best thing ever all at the same time.

After I picked Jack up from the babysitter, I took him to the doctor for his two month appointment.  He got two shots and apparently they were NOT pleasant b/c he cried for the rest of the day.  I gave him Tylenol twice but didn't seem to make a difference.  It's hard to know if he is crying b/c he is collicky, or because of the reflux, or because of the shots?  I just feel sorry for him.  He really did cry from like 2:00 pm to 8:00 pm unless he were nursing and even then he was kind of crying.  The pediatrician gave me a pharmacy name that can flavor the prevacid...so maybe more of it will go down now (he hates the taste and spits it out) so that he'll feel better.  We'll see!  We pick up the prevacid tomorrow.

In other news, Mr. Chubby is in the 99th percentile for weight at 14 lbs 4 oz.  He is 8 weeks 3 days old.  What on earth!  Fat (but adorable)!!!  And he is only 65th percentile in height.  He has the Geraghty gene's!  Hey, John said it first.

On "The Office" when Pam was asked how she liked maternity leave she said, "It rocked..It rocked my ass off!"  I wish mine did!  I feel like right when he starts feeling a little better I'll be back at work.  I can barely stand the thought of leaving him when he isn't feeling good.  Luckily, my grandma will be here for a couple weeks, then John is taking a couple weeks off to be with the baby, and John's mom volunteered to take a couple of weeks off...so we'll keep him with family and it will be good for him to bond with them.  All I know is that when I go back to work I hope I can find work to keep me busy b/c it will be torturous to go to work and not even be engaged and all the while knowing my baby is with someone else all day.  I only have one more week at home!  Boo!

Sorry for this downer post!