Daycare SUCKS.

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  (Remember that book?  Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day)

So if you read my blog, you know by now that I am constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY, torn about whether I should be working or staying at home with Jack.  I'll reach a place where I feel at peace with my decision and it might last a month before I'm thrown for a loop again and its all over.  I may be thrown for a loop when Jack gets sick, or someone makes a comment I take personally, or DAYCARE ISSUES.  DAYCARE ISSUES SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John has been travelling in San Francisco all week and I haven't been able to talk to him much because of the time difference.  His flight gets in tonight at 1:30 AM...I will be so happy to have him home.  He does so much to help that I apparently take for granted...I'm just completely pooped.  But, speaking of poop...

John typically drops Jack off at daycare around 7:00 or 7:15 AM.  I pick Jack up at 4:00 pm.  Since John is out of town, I dropped Jack off at daycare in the morning, my mother in law picked Jack up for me in the afternoon so I could stay late at work to make up the time.  So I got home yesterday and Mary Ellen, my mother-in-law, happened to mention in passing that Jack seemed happy when she picked him up but he was pretty mad when Z was changing his diaper.  This is an important fact to remember...Z changing his diaper at 4:00 pm.

I use cloth diapers so I know how often he is changed b/c all the used diapers come back to me tied in a wet bag.  Each night I take out the wetbag from the diaper pail and throw it in the diaper pail until I'm ready to wash the diapers.  I don't use cloth diapers for the purpose of keeping track of how often he is changed, but it does allow me to do so. 

Well, Jack seems to have a constant diaper rash.  If its not a full fledged rash, its just red and irritated.  I kept thinking he must just have very sensitive skin.  Well, yesterday evening I was changing his diaper and thought to myself, jeez...diaper rash again.  I told myself to check the wet bag to see how many diapers Z had used that day.  I was just curious.  I forgot to check last night but this morning, I checked real quick right before I loaded Jack in the car to bring him to daycare.  To my dismay, there was only ONE dirty diaper in the bag.  Z had only changed him ONE time, the entire day, at 4:00 pm.  Meaning, Jack had not been changed one time from when I had changed him around 6:45 AM, til 4:00 pm when my mother in law picked him up.  That is just neglectful!  We have had to address this issue with Z before...but its never been this bad.  It was one time pretty bad but she was VERY apologetic and seemed to have a legitimate excuse that worked for me.  But I can't tolerate this.  I am not very confrontational, although I'm sure John would disagree ;).  But I have to make sure my son is taken care of.  So when I dropped him off, I very nicely said, "Z, could you change Jack at least three times today?  You know, b/c of diaper rash and stuff?"  She said, "The diaper rash is b/c of you."  I said, "You only changed him once yesterday."  She said, "He didn't have diaper rash yesterday."  I said, "I don't care about diaper rash.  I don't want him sitting in a wet diaper all day."  She said, "Okay"...but I was upset that she is actually trying to blame me for diaper rash.  I CHANGE HIS DIAPER.  Gah!

So since John is out of town, I can't talk to him...it was something like 4:00 AM in San Fransisco when this was happening.  My poor, poor co-workers.  They had to listen to me go on and on all day, crying off and on.  ugh.  So I text my friend, who upon my recommendation, had moved her son to Z's daycare two weeks ago.  I said, "I'm disturbed b/c Z only changed Jack once yesterday."  She responded by saying last week when her husband picked up her 18 month old, her son hadn't been changed at all, the entire day.  She knows that b/c she had brought him to a doctors appointment that morning and had used one of the doctors diapers, which are different than hers.  That's how she knew he hadn't been changed.

There is a 2 1/2 year old at daycare named Cash.  He is a bully!  He hits Jack (he even hits me sometimes).  When I picked up Jack the other day, he pushed my friends son, TWICE!  Luckily, her son is very easy going but I said, "Wow, Cash is mean."  Z has said he only does this when I'm there which may be the case but, still...  Z responded, "That's just how boys are."  I said, "No, it isn't."  She knew this bothered me so she said a couple days later that she had "talked" to Cash about the hitting.  I'm sure that a "talk" is effective with a two year old.  (NOT) So this was already a concern of mine and the diaper issue is just...too much.

John says we should talk to her, get her on some sort of system...I think he actually used the words "help her with process improvement."  Oh John, that's endearing.  But NO...that's not going to work.  I should never have to ever address diaper changing...you are a DAYCARE PROVIDER.  CHANGE THE DIAPERS.  I was talking to my sister in law, Whitney.  She said..."WHAT!  That's neglectful!  You pay her to keep him safe and clean!"  I was like, you're right!  It already bothered me that every day his face is dirty with dried up food but I never saw that as a deal breaker...I'd just clean him up when I got home.  But you know, I don't think he is probably comfortable with food all over his face, just like I wouldn't be.  So keep his face clean, keep his diaper clean, don't neglect your kids.

My friend and I decided we will try taking the daycare center route.  This is the second in-home daycare for both of us.  We called around and think we MIGHT have an answer...this place won't have a spot for Jack until February but I don't mind leaving him with Z until then and just knowing I'll have to stay all over her to make sure she does these basic fundamental daycare tasks.  GRRRR....I'm so mad about this. 

Also, I really feel like I'm a bad mom.  Having to move Jack for the THIRD TIME since apparently I am AWFUL at picking a good daycare.  Ugh.  Horrible.

Long Day...

Jack has had a fever for 7 days now.  Started low and progressively gotten worse.  This morning at 103.3.  This is not normal!  They checked and no ear infection (took  him to doctor yesterday).  They sent off for a urine culture and I have a sinking feeling that this is another kidney infection.  I worry about the kidney infections and I worry about the constant antibiotics he has had to take because of them.  Then I worry about the C.Diff coming back b/c of the antibiotics and question myself everytime he cries wondering if that is now an issue.

These are the days it is hard to work.  Its hard to come to work, hard to be at work, and hard to focus at work.  I called the nurse this morning at 9:00 to tell her about this fever and still have not heard back.  Of course, she did call me back the one time I left my desk and now am still waiting...I am so frustrated.  John is staying home with Jack today, I stayed home with him yesterday and I'll probably stay home with him tomorrow.

"The Juggle"

Thought-inspiring article from The Wall Street Journal blog, "The Juggle"

When Ambition and Reality Collide

What are your thoughts after reading this?  It took me over eight months but I realize that for the first time, I feel confident and good about my decision to be a full time working mom.  Constantly feeling conflicted about the decision was a huge weight on my shoulders...this article brings back some of my questions regarding if I am doing the right or wrong thing...

I do like working, Jack does like daycare.  A part time schedule would be nice but at this point in my life/career, its not the right time for that.

Making Friends...

I find this blog so inspiring: http://revmomma.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-friends.html

The writer is a pastor at my church...and I love the authenticity.  Reading Beth's blog is almost therapeutic...to read someone else's thoughts and realize...I'm not alone.  It's nice!

So tonight, I'm writing a post on her blog post.  Hopefully this is okay...

Her post spurred several thoughts...

I'm ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS, very conflicted on the SAHM (Stay at home mom) vs. WM (Working mom) decision.  I know myself.  I enjoy working.  I've always enjoyed working.  So I generally enjoy going to work, being around coworkers, feeling a sense of accomplishment, making money, spending money...but I can't stop thinking about how many hours I'm away from my son.  John drops him at daycare at 7:15, I pick him up at 4:00.  It's especially hard after a weekend of being with Jack 24/7.  And realizing that, while my days sometimes seem to go relatively fast, it's actually a long time that I'm away from him. What is he doing and how is he feeling during that time?  He does love his daycare but...still.  So then I start thinking, maybe I should ask if I can work part time?  Or maybe I should not work at all?  I dont know if I'd be happy not working at all.  And ideally I'd like to wait a couple of years to work part time...but am I doing the wrong thing by working full time?  Am I doing a disservice to Jack?  Am I going to really regret this later and wish I could rewind time?  I'm just full of doubt and guilt.  Lots of neighbors around here are stay at home moms and I can't help but feel bad around them.  I'm sensitive to the issue so sometimes even well-meaning comments sting a little.  So with all that said, it seems impossible to know what I should do.  Lately I've been wondering how I can actually keep it all together at this point...making sure we have food in the house, dinners, clean house, time with John, time with Jack...and forget about doing anything that's just for myself.  I spend a fraction of the time I used to with friends.  But this is just life as a working mom.  Not even SAHMs will understand that.  As a working mom, you're away from your kid(s) so much already that you just cannot then come home and do anything with other people and spend even more time away from him.  And since Jack is a SUPER active kid and NOT a napper, I dont even have 2 or 3 hour blocks on weekends to fit things in.  This is just life!  And I do love it (I think)!  But am I doing the right thing?

So Beth's thoughts on friends being hard to make as an adult I totally get. I feel like I make friends easily but I think thats why its been a huge adjustment as a mom...I have no time.  So what do I do with the friends once I make the connection?  I dont have time to do anything.  And then there is that division:  SAHM vs. WM.  It really is different.  Working moms may not understand the challenges of staying at home and I know that I dont think SAHM's understand the challenges of being a working mom...well, some do. 

So those were my thoughts.  And basically, since becoming a mom, I never feel like I totally know my niche.  What am I supposed to do?  What does God want me to do?  What is best for my son, for my family?  There is no clear cut answer!  And regarding God and my faith...I feel like it's almost non-existant and I have no clue how to get it back.  It's like I am so focused on just getting through the day successfully that I've really neglected my spiritual life.  It's been that way for awhile though...even before Jack. 

Anyway, I'm done!  Jack has ANOTHER kidney infection.  I asked the doctor, am I doing something wrong?  She said, no.  There is nothing you can do.  We've done all the tests.  EVerything is "normal".  We did a surgery that was supposed to take care of this but it didn't.  Turns out he is just very prone to these and so now he'll stay on antibiotics for the next 6-12 months, or until he grows out of this (hopefully he does).  It's stressful.  I have to admit I'm sort of proud of myself for being able to work while managing his health issues over the past 8 months b/c that has taken a ton of time.  Started off with him being just plain colicky/refluxy...Three kidney infections, C. Diff, 2 ear infections, and 2 colds later I sometimes feel like I've been to hell and back over the past 8 months.  I have NO LEAVE.  And I feel like I haven't done a good job at work.  But oh well!  I'm glad to have resolved this latest kidney infection.  He went to doctor two days in a row for two shots of a strong antibiotic in each leg.  So of course he has major diarreah.  I was trying to let him air out when I got home from work today with no diaper but that was a very bad idea for obvious reasons...which reminds me, I must go clean!

Depressing...

As I sit here and watch the Sex and the City movie on HBO (Am I paying for HBO? I had no idea I had these channels.), I am thinking.


I just returned from Denver today. I was there this week for a work conference. I was on the conference planning team for the past year…for the past six months, I’ve dreaded this conference. I mean, DREADED it. Jack turned six months on Monday. Hence why for six months, I’ve dreaded leaving. Two weeks before the conference, I was asked to be the “Master of Ceremonies” for the conference. What is worse than dreading? Whatever it is, that’s what I did. Master of Ceremonies? Who…ME?! ? WHY!!! Prior to knowing I was the MC of the conference, I was making myself feel better about the trip thinking…I need to be positive. You know…for six months, I haven’t had one second to myself. I haven’t done anything just…for me. This would be my time! I could sleep in, I could watch movies on TV, I could go out each night with friends/coworkers…this could be a great time. As I sat in front of my boss, watching the words fall out of her mouth, asking me to be the MC, my dreams of relaxation were dashed as I envisioned myself in front of 240 people from across the country.

In the end, the MC experience was a great one. I got very positive feedback and think I did a pretty good job. It took my mind off of being away from Jack and John and I really enjoyed it. I loved being in front of everyone, meeting new people and feeling like I was doing something that added to the conference. On the last night, which was last night, I treated myself to a new pair of Ray Ban sunglasses. These:

So now, let’s talk about Denver…Ew! I don’t like that city! So many young, edgy, aggressive, druggie, homeless people…everywhere! And I saw something that really disturbed me. REALLY disturbed me. My stomach still turns as I think about it. I hope it soon fades from my memory but right now, it’s imprinted on my brain. It’s about 10:00 pm. A bunch of friends/coworkers and I are walking back to the hotel from dinner. It’s a GORGEOUS summer night, with no humidity. A crowd is gathered around an artist who is using spray paint to create art. I approach the crowd to get a better view and notice a baby (maybe one year old) in a stroller. I notice babies so much now…never did before. My first thought is, this poor baby should be at home in bed. I really feel sorry for babies who get dragged around by their parents, don’t get the sleep they need…you know how you feel when you don’t get the sleep you need. My second thought is, Wow these fumes are strong. This baby should not be inhaling these fumes. And then I see the dad. A strung- out homeless druggie with missing teeth. He’s telling the baby she better stop crying or he’ll lock her in the stroller. He takes her out of the stroller and starts kind of shaking her (not violently) saying, “What’s the matter! What’s the matter!” Not in a gentle nurturing voice…more of a yell…like a “shut up” tone. I see tears running down the babies face and my heart literally broke at that moment. I’m thinking, “Let me tell you what’s the matter. It’s 10:00. She needs to be at home in bed. Not out here around a bunch of your homeless friends, also on drugs, inhaling paint fumes while you sit here and yell at her telling her to stop crying or you’ll lock her in the stroller.” This kid…she has no chance. All the cards are stacked against her. As I write this, my stomach just feels sick. I wish I could erase the memory. As we continued to walk back to the hotel, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I thought, I wish I could help people like this. Then I thought, I could never have a job where I had to help these people…b/c I can’t get it out of my head. It just breaks my HEART. I feel sick. And I would never be able to function. I have to pretend that stuff does not exist. But when you see that stuff, it smacks you in the face, that for tons of children in this world, it DOES exist. They have no support, no one to answer their cries, no one to give them a hug, no one to tuck them into bed to make sure they get the sleep they need…all they have is parents on drugs who don’t answer any of their needs and just tell them if they don’t stop crying they’ll lock them in the stroller. Makes me sick. Literally. The only positive that came of this is…it alleviated some of the guilt I feel for having let Jack “cry it out” very early on when I had to teach him he needed to sleep apart from me. I thought, Jack has it pretty darn good compared to millions of children out there. I wish I could have taken that little girl home with me.

Aside from that, life is good. I’m struggling to achieve balance, still. But I’m sure that will come in time. Jack is absolutely adorable. He is just…awesome. I was so happy to get home to him today. In a way, I’m happy John and Jack had the chance to hang out this week, just the two of them. I’m happy Jack had time to bond with his aunt (Maggie) and both grandmas. They all came over to lend John a hand. But I missed him like crazy!!!

Definition of Success

Today at work we had  this conference...and there was a motivational speaker.  He was pretty much your typical motivational speaker, speaking about the typical motivational speaker stuff.  He had everyone write down their definition of success and their definition of balance. I started feeling like, well I dont know what I define as success now.  In a way, I don't feel like a success at work and I don't feel like a success as a mom b/c I'm not doing either of them 100%.  At work, I can't really chase down any career aspirations b/c I want to keep a lower stress job that is more conducive to being a mother.  But at home, I am only home with Jack for 3-4 hours before he goes to bed each night during the week.  That's hardly being a really great mother.  So is it better to be not very good at anything you do or give up something so you can focus on one area of your life?  I don't know...but it sort of put me in a bad mood!

I also decided, I'm not going to this conference early.  No way!  I'll go when everyone else goes.  Originally the team lead wanted me there early to help set up...but I'll tell her to find someone else from our team to help.  Jack is getting to the point where he really prefers me (very satisfying haha!) and I want to be with him as much as I can.

I called the advice nurse tonigh b/c sometimes I wonder why Jack will wake up from an occasional nap screaming bloody murder...he goes from sleeping to screaming.  MOST naps he wakes up and just gives out a little cry to let me know he's awake and ready for me to come get him.  SOME naps he just screamsssssssss!!!  So I asked, "How do I know something isn't wrong?"  She was like, Lauren...by now we know...well, I dont know how else to say...your son is high maitenance.  He isn't afraid to let you know when something, anything, is bothering him.  He could be waking up and just possibly a little disoriented...or just wants you to pick him up RIGHT NOW.  I was like, I know...he really is very high maitenance.  Sometimes I need that reminder.  I need to remember to not get so stressed wondering, what's wrong now?  She told me her third child NEVER ever cried...to the point where he one day cried, so she took him to the doctor immediately, and he turned out to be extremely extremely ill...but never let on until after he had been really sick for a long time.  My son lets me know if the wind blew his hair in the wrong direction.  But you know...that makes him EXACTLY like me.  If he doesn't look like me, I guess I am happy he acts like me  :)

Tonight John and I took him to the pool.  I've gone a few times with him but I get sort of nervous b/c I'm with him by myself and can't get into the big pool with him since there are no stairs (only the metal ones) making it hard to get in with him in my arms.  Since John was there, we all three could get into the main pool together...Jack loveeeeeeeeeeed it.  John helped him kick and Jack even put his face under (oops...this wasn't purposeful)...but it didn't phase him.  It was so adorable.  It wore Jack out and as soon as we got home, I gave him a warm bath, oiled him up, fed him, and he was out like a light by 7:00.  Really nice family introduced themselves to us at the pool.

HEre is a picture of Jack and me at my parents house over the weekend for Allison and Greg's baby shower.  At first I didn't like the picture of me but now I love this picture of us.

SAHM or WOHM

I just completed my third week back to work.  There are pros and cons to being a WOHM (I made that up...Work out of Home Mom) and pros and cons to being a SAHM (Stay at Home Mom).

I thought being a SAHM was much harder until I started learnign some cons to being a WOHM.  As a stay at home mom (on maternity leave), I relished a couple hours here and there where I could go to Target or go get my nails done or see a friend.  Now, I relish the time I have with Jack since I am away from him for nine hours every day.  I had book club tonight but I couldnt go b/c I wanted to be here when Jack went to bed.  He didn't get to bed until a little later than usual so I didn't go to book club.  Tomorrow I have a meeting at church which I might end up skipping (I already feel bad b/c I skipped the last one too).  I'm having a bunch of other moms over for brunch at 10:30 which of course I'm not skipping, plus it includes the babies!  I have a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure that I don't know when I'll use.  I have things in my car I need to return and I don't know when I'll return them.  My house is a mess.  I have so many great friends willing to babysit  but I don't want to give up any of the time I have with Jack so don't want a babysitter.

So in this way, I guess working is hard...But of course there are reasons why it is easier too.

Just a thought!

Confusion!

I’ve been reading more of “The Milk Memos”. Basically, it’s a bunch of letters some women at IBM exchanged in their lactation room while pumping. They didn’t know each other but started writing in this notebook that was sitting on the table while they pumped. They’re all different with different view points and opinions but majority of the women, wish they would not have to work. It makes me think, does it make you a “bad mom” if you work by choice? I know “bad mom” is a little dramatic, but do you know what I mean? I think that if I really wanted to stay home, we could make it work…but I’ve always enjoyed working. I like the interactions I get with coworkers and the stimulation I get from the work. In addition, I like to spend money! I’ve always liked spending money! I like nice things! Do you watch Modern Family? There is an episode where the father impulsively quits his job as a lawyer and goes home to tell his partner, who is a stay at home dad to their adopted daughter. The stay at home dad freaks a little because he is like, “but I like nice things!” You probably have to watch it to think that’s funny but it is HILARIOUS and I really related to that. ANYway, I have all these ideas in my head…first and foremost…new kitchen! If I didn’t work, I would have to make do with what we have. Sure, that’s not the end of the world but I think its fun to earn money and then develop a plan to save it and spend it to reach our goals. I really love dealing with finances and get a lot of satisfaction from paying the bills.

On the other hand, I hate leaving Jack! I spend alllllll of my waking moments with him when I am home since I miss so much time with him during the week. I don’t WANT him to get used to being with someone else during the day and I don’t want to miss any of his milestones either! So clearly, I want the best of both worlds. My old job was super flexible b/c I was 100% commission. I loved the job but the stress was so high that I knew it would be hard to be a good mom…I was so distracted all the time. Hmm…I have zero clarity on this issue so until I do, guess I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news, I just pumped 16.25 oz in 15 minutes(ish). Is this crazy? That’s more than a soda I think! Possibly a soda and a half.  Does my body think I have twins? Gosh!

I’m missing Jack a lot today.

Thoughts...

Meant to post this yesterday...wrote it at lunch.

I think one of the hard things about being a working mom is that since you miss out on so much time during the day, you don’t want to miss a second with your baby when you’re home. We have lots of people willing to babysit but I don’t want to go anywhere without him. At the same time, I miss my favorite restaurants, long shopping trips, and movies! Heck, I even miss watching movies at home…I’m too tired to stay up that much longer after he’s gone to bed!

It’s so hard to be productive and focused at work after ten weeks off. This week there is an agency convention type thing down in Florida…so half the office is there…very quiet around here. Nice week to get started…on the other hand, a little too quiet…easy to be too relaxed.

I finally have a room to pump in so I don’t have to squat on an open toilet on the first floor. I was going to the first floor so that no one would know who it is pumping…I felt that would be akward. I think I make a ton more milk than Jack needs. I pumped 12, I repeat TWELVE ounces in 15 minutes this morning. I pump on average about 22 oz each day while I’m at work. Feed him myself before I leave for work in the morning. Get home from work at 4:00 and feed him once then and then whenever he wants until bed. I wonder how much is a normal amount to pump? I do this three times each day. I wonder how often others do? Maybe I should feel guilty for having to take this time off of work but I have not been taking lunch on many of the days so far…either that or I build one of the pumping sessions into my lunch.

I feel differently about working every day. One day I think, I really like this and am so glad to be back at work. The next I feel a little down all day long and feel I’m missing too much time with Jack. I noticed Jack has not been very smiley this week. I thought maybe he is under the weather…now I’m thinking…maybe he is adjusting to me being gone all day? I miss him a lot. The other thing is, since I get home at 4:00, I miss a lot of the day. If he is not smiley when I get home, I don’t really know why. When I was home with him all day, I’d know it was maybe b/c he didn’t take naps…or whatever!

Once John goes back to work in another week, his mother will be watching Jack. This was the best I thought, to keep him in family care until the three month mark. John’s mom took off an entire week to help us. Now I wonder if it would make me AND Jack feel better just to start with the babysitter and get settled in his long term routine. I just don’t know though b/c I think Johns mom already has requested the time off. It is a good chance for Johns mom and Jack to bond though.

I’m pretty sure we’re going to join the pool this summer! We have two pools within a couple of miles of us…I think I chose which one I want to go to. I just think it would be really fun to go to the pool with Jack after work for a couple hours a few nights each week, considering how much he loves the water! I already bought him swim diapers.

The Milk Memos

After I wrote my small blog excerpt yesterday, the day only improved. I met with my supervisor at 1 for a meeting I requested. I wanted to talk to her about telework and I wanted to talk to her about my projects and making sure I stay busy so my days go fast and I feel like if I have to be away from my baby, at least I’m doing important work and contributing. Well, the meeting was great. I was concerned about teleworking. I turned down the opportunity before my maternity leave. I thought (and others think) that when you’re new, it is important to be seen around the office. I asked Linda if she thought teleworking would hurt me professionally. She told me it won’t hurt me a bit and that I’ve been here for almost one year. We’ll start with one day a week in June, then move to two days a week. I’m thrilled. I’ll be able to spend an hour of lunch with Jack each afternoon. I’ll be able to drop him at 7 and pick him up at 3:30 and maybe feed him each day so I only have to pump the three days/week I’m in the office. How convenient to have him so close by with the sitter. Anyway, we’re so fortunate to work for such a family-friendly agency (John and I work for the same government agency) where we have these benefits like alternate work schedules (John has every other Friday off) and telework (between John and I we’ll be teleworking three days/week). So today, I feel better again. I guess it’s natural to be up and down for the first few weeks while you leave your baby at home and go to work. I’m used to it  I can switch emotions pretty quickly!




So in addition to the telework, Linda, my supervisor, answered a lot of questions for me on my projects, I let her know where I’m interested in becoming more involved. And she told me multiple times how happy they are to have me back, how they think I do a great job, etc. It just made me feel awesome. Did I mention when I came back to work there was a “Welcome Back” banner at my cube (made by my boss!!!) signed with little notes by all of my coworkers? I’m so lucky…I have great coworkers.



John stayed with Jack all day yesterday. My grandma and him are switching off for the next couple of weeks. I came home, and Jack was in a GREAT mood! John must have done a fantastic job. In fact, Jack didn’t cry at all, all evening. I got home from work at 4 and he never cried…not even going to bed. He was just happy as can be! This morning, I only knew he was awake b/c I heard him sneeze a couple of times in his crib. I went in to check on him to see if he can actually sneeze in his sleep and he was just chillin in his crib, slowly waking up. So I picked him up and fed him. Still, no crying! That rice cereal really did the trick. He still does that choking/gagging thing occasionally (I noticed he did it this morning) so I know the reflux is still there but it must not be as painful b/c he isn’t crying nearly as much. Not only that but I think he is just getting to the age where a lot of the colicky babies outgrow it. But here is the funny thing…John went to bed at like 8:30 or 9 pm. I think all men should play Mr. Mom at least once or twice…they need to know how its so exhausting…b/c its hard to explain that.



I paid the bills last night and paid off Johns car. Not to say it’s only b/c of me we were able to do that but it was a reminder of why its nice that I’m working NOW…so we can do that…then LATER, maybe we’ll try to keep things very simple so that staying home can remain an option for me if I decide that’s best as my kids grow.



So, the reason I wanted to blog today was to tell you about a book entitled “The Milk Memos”. A friend commented on my blog that she would recommend that book…so I ordered it on Amazon immediately. It came yesterday and I have read a couple of chapters today while pumping. I’d have to say it’s a MUST read for any mom’s planning on returning to work and breastfeeding. It’s inspirational even! They also include templates for logging how much you pump and when. Or you can use their template to give to your day care provider on when your baby eats and how much. I really love this book. Answers a ton of good questions. As I sat, pumping, on an open toilet on the first floor of our building (I’m on the 8th floor but found the least used bathroom in the building), I felt like I’m not alone and I’m doing this with tons of other moms out there too! It’s kind of peaceful down there…the lights turn off half way through since there is no movement (motion scensored lighting). We all feel mixed feelings when returning to work and it’s completely normal. And that it’s not even bad if you kind of LIKE working and returning to work…Anyway, I think you should go purchase this book today! I really loved this excerpt and it reminded me of how I was able to reconnect with my friend Sarah, from high school, and her little cutie Bastian.  Here is the excerpt from "The Milk Memos" (by Cate Colburn-Smith and Andrea Serrette).  It is from page 25.

"Find new mommy friends by "flirting" with other moms at the pediatrician's office, at church, in the library, or at your neighborhood park.  Any woman carrying a breaskpump bag is a sure target..." blah blah blah.  I just liked the "flirting with other moms" part.

On Second Thought...

This is a post I meant to put up yesterday (5/4/2010)...I started having a hard time being back at work when John was home with Jack...maybe jealousy?  hehehe.  I dont think so!

...I think I’m overly optimistic when I’m uncomfortable with something…almost like I’m trying to talk myself into feeling good about something when I’m not. Then reality hits days or months later. It only took one day for me to decide that it’s really tough leaving Jack during the day. John is watching him today. I just called and Jack was talking in the background and it made me just start crying. I don’t know…I guess I could try to do part time? First thing is to decide how long of a chance I want to give working. A month? Two months? Six months? I just don’t like this one bit...

Was not so bad...

So like I mentioned in my last post, today was my first day back at work.  The only reason I'm blogging right now instead of sleeping in bed, is because I have things like washing the diapers and prepping the bottles for tomorrow to do before bed...and I am too tired to start.  Reason I'm tired?  Stayed up late cleaning so that my grandmother, who watched Jack today, could stay in a clean house.  Also wanted to do everything last night so I had less to worry about this morning.

Anyway, I woke up at five, got myself ready...Jack woke up at 5:45 (perfect), I fed him, etc and left the house at 6:30...got to work by 7.  I cried when I kissed him goodbye but one I was in the office, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!  My coworkers had left me a Welcome banner they made taped to my cube...signed by everyone with little notes.  So sweet!  Another coworker left me a card and some chocolate :)  It was nice to walk into.  And it was just nice to be back at work interacting with people all day.  Staying at home all day is 100 times more exhausting to me than going to work...I feel blah and lathargic by the end of the day and count the minutes until John comes home.  Even when I make sure to spend a couple hours with friends each day or whatever, my only really fantastic days were days when we were around lots of people all day...like at his baptism.  Things like that.

So I really think that once I make the adjustment, working is not going to be bad.  I leave work at 3:30 and home by 4.  I came home and grandma was singing to Jack and he was sleeping on her.  She was soooo upset and worried because he had scratched his forhead with his nails.  He does this sometimes when he cries so we always try to keep his nails super short.  He came out at birth with scratches on his face!  I told grandma not to worry this happens a lot!  But she still asked me how John reacted to the scratch when he got home from work.  I was like, Grandma!!! Dont worry!!!  This happens all the time with Jack.  When he fusses he scratches at his face.  I told you, this kid is dramatic :)  Anyway, he took several cat naps and two, one hour naps today.  He was in a GREAT mood tonight but it seems like the more/better he sleeps, the sleepier he is...so he went to bed tonight around 7:45 or slightly earlier.

I was so excited to come home and see him tonight!!  John is staying home with him tomorrow...can't wait to hear how it goes!

Returning to Work...

Tomorrow is my first day back at work.  agh!  WOAH.

In a sense, I'm looking forward to working.  I've always worked and enjoyed working.  Thank goodness about half way through my maternity leave I reconnected with a friend from high school who has a son three weeks older than Jack.  I have talked about Bastian in similar posts.  They both came over today with Ian (husband and dad).  Here is a picture Ian took of us...

Bastian kind of looks like..."This party sucks." and it looks like Jack is like, "Hey you...Bastian...remember me/  We've been walking together."  I'll miss our walks but Sarah and I are going to find a way to walk on weekends now.  Anywho...today John and I had some friends over from church (plus Sarah, Ian, and Bastian).  Here are a couple of pictures...

The poor little guy was soooo tired by the end...I felt guilty keeping him awake.  Our house is tiny so all the noise I think got to him by the end of the cookout.  The rest of the day was rough but I got some fantastic smiles out of him before bed. 

So...I made myself a to-do list toinght so I could get everything possible done tonight...all I have to do tomorrow is shower, dress (clothes are already ironed and laying out!), eat breakfast, and feed Jack.  John packed out lunches for us so thats done.  I'll have to set up Jack's bottles even though i really have no idea how much he'll eat.  I'll leave for work at 6:30, Grandma arrives at 6:45, John leaves for work at 7.  I'm nervous no one can do it like me...I guess I must deep down think I'm pretty AWESOME.  I dont even know how John will do it.  (My grandma and John are alternating days this week).  Now that grandma has him on rice cereal though he is soooo much easier.  He naps during the day!  Miracle!!!  I feel a little more comfortable leaving him with her now...I was worried he would completely exhaust her.  She is even bringing food here tomorrow so she can make us dinner.  So sweet :) 

A couple things I'm thinking about for tomorrow...Where will I pump!!!  I have to figure that out or I might end up in my car which is a little weird and inconvenient.  Also, will I miss him too much?  I am  feeling a little weepy about it now.  On the other hand, staying at home is TOUGH work for many reasons but the only one that seems a little TOO hard is that I get no people interaction.  Sure my neighbors are outside and I talk with them, and I met up with friends now and then...but those interactions only take up a couple hours a day...no where near the amount of interaction you get in an office.  By the end of the day I am so lathargic.  so this way I'll be able to have my interaction with people and really look forward to seeing Jack at the end of the day.  I'll be home by 4:00 every day which isn't bad.  And some in my office telework twice a week.  I am allowd to telework 1 day each week and I may ask if I can eventually telework twice/week.  That would be nice b/c my day would be over at 3:30 and I could walk over and get Jack or even have lunch with him. 

I really want to make sure when I go back to work that I have lots of work to do b/c I want my days to fly by...so hopefully I can meet with my boss tomorrow to get that underway!  I'll let you know how it goes!

At work...

Hi

I started my new job on July 20th. So far, I'm bored. It's very slow for me right now. I believe things will begin picking up soon and I can't wait! While the boredom gets to me, there are some things I love already. First of all, I love being able to leave at 4:30, every day. I catch the train home and am in my house by about 5:05 pm. It's fantastic. I do not have to give another thought to work until the next morning, when I catch the 7:21 am train to work. Secondly, I like the people. There are other things I like but for now I'll leave it at that. Since I'm pregnant, one thing bothering me is my exhaustion. Typically, I'm very social and love talking with people, getting to know people, etc...but...I'm so tired I have so little energy...so I feel kind of behind in this department and I dont like that.

A few things have been on my mind lately...little things but I will write about them.

1. Why are people afraid to aknowledge that they may have a problem? Why the fear? Do you know the type? He/She will complain on end about something or someone that really bothers them. I mean, really bothers them! They feel taken advantage of, abused, neglected, walked on, etc...it is something that consumes a lot of their mental energy...yet, when you pose a question such as, "When did this become a problem?" They'll say, "Oh it's not a problem." But that makes no sense to me. You just finished (and probably not for the first time) telling me how you feel taken advantage of, or neglected, or abused, or whatever...but you won't classify this as a problem. Meaning---you will NEVER resolve this issue and you will continue to whine endlessly about it forever and ever. Whining is very unattractive by the way. Not saying I don't whine but still! I'm not ashamed of having problems, and if you're my friend, you probably hear about them constantly! At the same time, I'm the first one to go to a counselor and/or make some hard changes. As I write this, I consider the possibility that those who know me may be reading this thinking...YOU have PROBLEMS!!! I am sure I have many problems I don't even know about yet...I'm mainly talking about the problems we know about. And I guess my big point here is...it's almost offensive to me when I realize a person is afraid to admit they may have a problem...no matter how big or small. Who are you that has no problems? Who are you that has nothing to work on? I see life as exciting, challenging, always changing...we have opportunities to improve every day...but are we taking those opportunities? Or are we okay with living a mediocre life...complaining about the same things...being the victim with no control...and having things always stay the same? And one more disclaimer...I do know that many of us have periods in life where things are really fantastic and we can't think of many complaints! And that's great! I'm writing just for those moments in life when we know there could be something that needs work.

2. Day care costs...ugh!!!

3. Telling my employer the news...what will their reaction be? Will they be upset I only started in July? Will they see me as a bad employee? I was not pregnant when I interviewed with them, received the offer letter, etc...but the background check took almost three months and a lot can happen in three months!

4. When will I have my energy back?

5. I wish I could publicize my blog to friends but am not comfortable with people seeing my innermost thoughts...yet :)

First Post! WOW!

My name is Lauren and this is my blog. It would be nice if I could write an interesting introduction of myself but I won't! I'll just dive right on in.

I think I'm pregnant! eee! I had a miscarriage last October so I am feeling skeptical. Last time around, I had a sense something wasn't right...sure enough, it wasn't. This time, I do feel better about it. I am CRAZY up and down, extremely tired (although, am I making that up?), among other symptoms...if this actually works, I am very early on...about 4-5 weeks. I made an appointment with a new OB/GYN whose name I got from a friend. My last doctor shut down their Fairfax office and I'm not driving out to Reston! They want to see me when I am 8-9 weeks so the appointment is set for July 16th. I think at that point, if I'm still pregnant, I'll feel more confident. I'm starting to brainstorm baby names and what will we do about storage! agh! I am not very good at keeping secrets so don't plan to really keep this a secret until I am through my 1st trimester...at the same time, I definitely won't tell my employer (for as long as possible actually), and won't shout it from the mountain tops just yet. But I'll post it on this blog! HAHA! I dont think anyone I know can find this blog so it will be okay.



I'm trying not to sensor my posts...I want it to be interesting! This is impossible for me b/c naturally I think things like...What if I ever need a top secret security clearance and the fact I have a blog causes them to deny me! These are the types of thoughts that go through my head.


Lately I have been thinking a lot about how who you spend time with is kind of, who you are! That's not a very good way to say it. What I mean is, if you hang out with a bunch of extremely conservative people, you may end up being extremely conservative. I AM very conservative and I tend to be pretty reserved and a very rigid thinker as well. I am a black and white, all or nothing thinker. And of course, I tend to be drawn to people like this. OC's UNITE! (Obsessive Compulsives UNITE!) But I believe it's important to spend time with all types of people...maybe I need to spend some time with friends who when they talk I think, "WOAH, I can't believe they just said that!!!" Because I need to losen up just a little :) I strive to get to the point where I can not only listen to this fun talk without turning red and giggling...but where I can actually chime in! :) How freeing to not worry about what people will think! For any of my OCD friends and for any of my friends who also turn red and giggle when they happen in on a conversation like this...I also want to spend more time with you :) BUT---for anyone out there, and there are some, who really CANNOT talk about what is on their mind, in fear of ruffeling a feather...come on!!! That's boring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm in the middle of a job transition. I haven't told my current employer. Since I sell mortgages, I won't get paid unless I am employed when the loan funds. I need to wait until my last loan funds before giving notice...HOPEFULLY (Crossing Fingers!!!), I can give my notice by July 13th!Praying. I will start work with the government starting July 20th. Now this will be a completely different world and definitely slower than what I do now...But I would like something less stressful. Can't wait to have my weekends off!




I want this blog to be a place where I can dump my random ruminations! Enjoy.