Long Day...

Jack has had a fever for 7 days now.  Started low and progressively gotten worse.  This morning at 103.3.  This is not normal!  They checked and no ear infection (took  him to doctor yesterday).  They sent off for a urine culture and I have a sinking feeling that this is another kidney infection.  I worry about the kidney infections and I worry about the constant antibiotics he has had to take because of them.  Then I worry about the C.Diff coming back b/c of the antibiotics and question myself everytime he cries wondering if that is now an issue.

These are the days it is hard to work.  Its hard to come to work, hard to be at work, and hard to focus at work.  I called the nurse this morning at 9:00 to tell her about this fever and still have not heard back.  Of course, she did call me back the one time I left my desk and now am still waiting...I am so frustrated.  John is staying home with Jack today, I stayed home with him yesterday and I'll probably stay home with him tomorrow.

The Angry Mom Blog

Someone said I should title my blog "The Angry Mom Blog" since I tend to only write it in when something is bothering me.

It's been too long.  I miss you blog!!!  I was thinking of taking a creative writing class...maybe something online...then I was like, why not just write in my blog? 

Where do I BEGIN?

Let's see...I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out who the new "me" is.  What I mean is, I'm having an identity crisis!  I've always been somewhat of an "all or nothing" person meaning I do what I do really well or don't do it at all.  I'm finding that as a mom, that's impossible.  I can't be a superstar at work because well, frankly, I'm not willing to work a minute past 3:30.  My hours are from 7:00 am - 3:30 pm.  Jack's had some pretty big health issues (they seem big to me anyway) over the past five months and I've had to take a lot of time off work.  So I don't feel like a success at work.  At the same time, I don't feel like a success as a mom.  How am I a success?  I only see my son 2 hours each day before he goes to bed for the night.  I also feel like a failure as a friend...because I really can't do anything anymore.  I work full time and so the time I'm not working, I want and need to spend it with the fam.  So I feel just like...a failure.  This is dramatic and probably a very negative way of looking at it.  But I'm sure it will get better...I hope.

In other news, Jack is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!  After two kidney infections, C. Diff, ear infections, reflux, colds, yada yada yada...he is finally feeling GOOD and just so cute and adorable and HAPPY.  Oh and for all you with easy babies, stop saying, "Oh my baby is so happy!"  GUHHHHHHHHHH that is so annoying to me.  Jack is NOT easy and pretty...tempermental...but I like to think he is so happy even though not easy.  I'm going to start saying, "Oh my baby is so SMART."  Difficult babies must be smart ;)

K I'm done.

Definition of Success

Today at work we had  this conference...and there was a motivational speaker.  He was pretty much your typical motivational speaker, speaking about the typical motivational speaker stuff.  He had everyone write down their definition of success and their definition of balance. I started feeling like, well I dont know what I define as success now.  In a way, I don't feel like a success at work and I don't feel like a success as a mom b/c I'm not doing either of them 100%.  At work, I can't really chase down any career aspirations b/c I want to keep a lower stress job that is more conducive to being a mother.  But at home, I am only home with Jack for 3-4 hours before he goes to bed each night during the week.  That's hardly being a really great mother.  So is it better to be not very good at anything you do or give up something so you can focus on one area of your life?  I don't know...but it sort of put me in a bad mood!

I also decided, I'm not going to this conference early.  No way!  I'll go when everyone else goes.  Originally the team lead wanted me there early to help set up...but I'll tell her to find someone else from our team to help.  Jack is getting to the point where he really prefers me (very satisfying haha!) and I want to be with him as much as I can.

I called the advice nurse tonigh b/c sometimes I wonder why Jack will wake up from an occasional nap screaming bloody murder...he goes from sleeping to screaming.  MOST naps he wakes up and just gives out a little cry to let me know he's awake and ready for me to come get him.  SOME naps he just screamsssssssss!!!  So I asked, "How do I know something isn't wrong?"  She was like, Lauren...by now we know...well, I dont know how else to say...your son is high maitenance.  He isn't afraid to let you know when something, anything, is bothering him.  He could be waking up and just possibly a little disoriented...or just wants you to pick him up RIGHT NOW.  I was like, I know...he really is very high maitenance.  Sometimes I need that reminder.  I need to remember to not get so stressed wondering, what's wrong now?  She told me her third child NEVER ever cried...to the point where he one day cried, so she took him to the doctor immediately, and he turned out to be extremely extremely ill...but never let on until after he had been really sick for a long time.  My son lets me know if the wind blew his hair in the wrong direction.  But you know...that makes him EXACTLY like me.  If he doesn't look like me, I guess I am happy he acts like me  :)

Tonight John and I took him to the pool.  I've gone a few times with him but I get sort of nervous b/c I'm with him by myself and can't get into the big pool with him since there are no stairs (only the metal ones) making it hard to get in with him in my arms.  Since John was there, we all three could get into the main pool together...Jack loveeeeeeeeeeed it.  John helped him kick and Jack even put his face under (oops...this wasn't purposeful)...but it didn't phase him.  It was so adorable.  It wore Jack out and as soon as we got home, I gave him a warm bath, oiled him up, fed him, and he was out like a light by 7:00.  Really nice family introduced themselves to us at the pool.

HEre is a picture of Jack and me at my parents house over the weekend for Allison and Greg's baby shower.  At first I didn't like the picture of me but now I love this picture of us.

Someone walked in on me...

*I meant to post this on June 10*
I cannot BELIEVE it is June 10, 2010!!! Where DOES the time go? Jack’s four month doctors appointment is on June 22. I wish I could say we’ve only been to the doctors for his two day, 1 week, 2 week, 2 month, and 4 month doctors appointment. NO! NOT the case! Between Jack and Bailey (refer back to my previous post on Bailey), we are at the doctor all the time! I hope Jack isn’t like Bailey…I just shuddered as I wrote that. For Jack we’ve been to the doctors office numerous times…reflux, ear infection, URINARY TRACT INFECTION/KIDNEY INFECTION. UgH!!! But hopefully we’re in the clear now.

Work is going fantastic as I mentioned in my prior post. I feel engaged, love the people, love the agency, love what the future may hold. I have a conference in August. It’s only once every two years and I feel I need to go, although I know no one is forcing me to. I have been debating it for a long time now…so this week I finally bit the bullet and registered. Six whole days away from my little family. I will have to pump every night for 48 nights so that I have enough milk to last Jack the entire time I’m gone, assuming I pump 5 ounces each night. I hate pumping! When I’m there, I’ll have to pump as often as Jack would normally eat and then store it…I requested a fridge in the room and will send the milk back using dry ice. I could probably just dump it and not bring it back with me but I hate pumping and wouldn’t want to waste the milk! Last night as I was falling asleep I sort of got an anxiety attack thinking, what if Jack starts preferring the bottle while I’m gone since he’ll go six whole days without nursing? Ugh. That would be a horrible thing. I cherish that time I have with him. I don’t feel like people understand b/c when I mention it, people say, “He’ll be six months.” I know you can stop breastfeeding then but I want to breastfeed for a full year. OR I start worrying, what if he DOESN’T start preferring the bottle and has a really hard time not having that time with ME while I’m gone? John is REALLY great with Jack and Jack loves being with John but still, I’m the mom! So I guess when I’m awake I feel like, okay I can do this. But as the day starts winding down and I become tired, my mind starts whirring and I get a LOT of anxiety about this trip. On the other hand, it’s going to be a blast. We’re going to Denver and there is a lot to do there! I’ll be able to socialize at night, watch movies in my hotel room, and sleep in past 5:00 AM! Heavennnnnnn!!!!!
Akward moment of the day: Someone walking in on me while I was pumping. I thought I was the only one with a key to this “employee file room” but apparently not. When I heard the key turning, I yelled “someone’s in here!” Luckily it was a woman but when she saw me, she just continued on in and started filing things around me. Akward! I spilled milk all over my pants and somehow had a big wet mark on my butt. And only produced like half as much milk.

I'm bacccccccccccck!

I'm such a bad blogger.  I've gone weeks (I think) without writing.   I refuse to let it go!  I will continue on!  This will not be just another phase! (Like hamsters, fruit dehydraters, fish tanks, etc.)

Well, I'm just...exhausted.  kay goodnight!

Just kidding.

Well Jack is just getting over a Urinary Tract Infection.  I really don't feel like going into that story but basically after five or six weeks of being told he has an ear infection, then just a virus, etc...we found out (after a trip to the ER) he has had a UTI.  I mean, POOR GUY!!!  What the HECK man! (John HATES it when I say "what the heck man!")  So after a week on Cefellin, he has blood (a lot) in his stool.  Doctor said thats normal (Thank God).  He had to have a renal ultrasound and "VCUG" at the hospital on Monday.  By some miracle, he didn't cry during the VCUG which is good b/c they said if he did, the test might not work.  I was like, you must be kidding me you CRAZY NURSE!!!  But he didn't cry!  It was amazing.  He freaked out during the ultrasound which was the easy part.

Work is going...well, great!  I love being back at work and I love coming home to Jack in the late afternoons.  Especially now that he actually is a happy baby since he is feeling better for the first time in well, EVER.

Jack LOVES Nilda (the babysitter).  This is ideal...I love our situation.

I need some blopics.  Can anyone throw out some topics for me to blog about?  Anything!!!  (well, within reason)

Shout out to Lauren who reminded me to blog tonight!  (Different Lauren)

More consistent blogging coming soon!  For now, check out Jack's ROLLS!  Can't beat those!  These pics were taken by my friend Marie when we walked to her house one afternoon while John worked on installing her new faucet.

Hard Night

Well, my grandmother is leaving tomorrow.  It was great having her here and its sad to see her go.  Too bad we can't convince her to spend more time here...maybe during the long Wisconsin winters she could be here.  Anyway, Jack is just not acting right.  I dont think his ear infection has gone away and the antibiotics are done tomorrow.  He has a low grade fever off and on.  And he is not acting right at all.  It makes me so worried.  Johns mom is watching him this week and she couldnt get him to nap today...she says he falls asleep and then suddenly wakes up like he is in pain.  When I got home at 4, he acted so relieved to see me.  But because he was so tired, I could barely keep him up.  Literally, he was falling asleep as I gave him medicine.  He didn't look right at all.  I had been thinking he was just over tired from being away this wknd.  Now I'm thinking there is something more going on.  I will go to work in the morning and call the doctor when they open to see if I can get him in for an appointment. 

Tonight he completely fell asleep by 6...I mean, I could NOT keep him awake for anything, not even to eat.  I had told my friend Elizabeth I would go to Buy Buy Baby to help her register (for her twins!!!).  I know she didn't want to wait until 8 which is when I thought the earliest I could be there was...but I called her at six since thats when Jack fell asleep.  John called me shortly after I got to the store b/c he had already woken up.  I wanted to come home but John told me not to so I didn't.  John got him back to sleep but I'm just having such mixed feelings about working.  I hate being away from him and when I get home, I have no idea why he is acting like he is.  Because I wasn't with him.  I also felt guilty not being there when he woke up tonight.  I know John is great with him but I want to be there when he isn't feeling good.  I just really thought he was down for the night.  So tonight has been a struggle.  The wedding was great because it was my brother but it would take another sibling getting married for me to leave town and go through this again.  Jack is just not a go with the flow baby and its not fair to him to drag him around outside of his routine.

Well, I'll keep you posted on the doctor's appointment if I decide to take him in tomorrow.