I find this blog so inspiring: http://revmomma.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-friends.html
The writer is a pastor at my church...and I love the authenticity. Reading Beth's blog is almost therapeutic...to read someone else's thoughts and realize...I'm not alone. It's nice!
So tonight, I'm writing a post on her blog post. Hopefully this is okay...
Her post spurred several thoughts...
I'm ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS, very conflicted on the SAHM (Stay at home mom) vs. WM (Working mom) decision. I know myself. I enjoy working. I've always enjoyed working. So I generally enjoy going to work, being around coworkers, feeling a sense of accomplishment, making money, spending money...but I can't stop thinking about how many hours I'm away from my son. John drops him at daycare at 7:15, I pick him up at 4:00. It's especially hard after a weekend of being with Jack 24/7. And realizing that, while my days sometimes seem to go relatively fast, it's actually a long time that I'm away from him. What is he doing and how is he feeling during that time? He does love his daycare but...still. So then I start thinking, maybe I should ask if I can work part time? Or maybe I should not work at all? I dont know if I'd be happy not working at all. And ideally I'd like to wait a couple of years to work part time...but am I doing the wrong thing by working full time? Am I doing a disservice to Jack? Am I going to really regret this later and wish I could rewind time? I'm just full of doubt and guilt. Lots of neighbors around here are stay at home moms and I can't help but feel bad around them. I'm sensitive to the issue so sometimes even well-meaning comments sting a little. So with all that said, it seems impossible to know what I should do. Lately I've been wondering how I can actually keep it all together at this point...making sure we have food in the house, dinners, clean house, time with John, time with Jack...and forget about doing anything that's just for myself. I spend a fraction of the time I used to with friends. But this is just life as a working mom. Not even SAHMs will understand that. As a working mom, you're away from your kid(s) so much already that you just cannot then come home and do anything with other people and spend even more time away from him. And since Jack is a SUPER active kid and NOT a napper, I dont even have 2 or 3 hour blocks on weekends to fit things in. This is just life! And I do love it (I think)! But am I doing the right thing?
So Beth's thoughts on friends being hard to make as an adult I totally get. I feel like I make friends easily but I think thats why its been a huge adjustment as a mom...I have no time. So what do I do with the friends once I make the connection? I dont have time to do anything. And then there is that division: SAHM vs. WM. It really is different. Working moms may not understand the challenges of staying at home and I know that I dont think SAHM's understand the challenges of being a working mom...well, some do.
So those were my thoughts. And basically, since becoming a mom, I never feel like I totally know my niche. What am I supposed to do? What does God want me to do? What is best for my son, for my family? There is no clear cut answer! And regarding God and my faith...I feel like it's almost non-existant and I have no clue how to get it back. It's like I am so focused on just getting through the day successfully that I've really neglected my spiritual life. It's been that way for awhile though...even before Jack.
Anyway, I'm done! Jack has ANOTHER kidney infection. I asked the doctor, am I doing something wrong? She said, no. There is nothing you can do. We've done all the tests. EVerything is "normal". We did a surgery that was supposed to take care of this but it didn't. Turns out he is just very prone to these and so now he'll stay on antibiotics for the next 6-12 months, or until he grows out of this (hopefully he does). It's stressful. I have to admit I'm sort of proud of myself for being able to work while managing his health issues over the past 8 months b/c that has taken a ton of time. Started off with him being just plain colicky/refluxy...Three kidney infections, C. Diff, 2 ear infections, and 2 colds later I sometimes feel like I've been to hell and back over the past 8 months. I have NO LEAVE. And I feel like I haven't done a good job at work. But oh well! I'm glad to have resolved this latest kidney infection. He went to doctor two days in a row for two shots of a strong antibiotic in each leg. So of course he has major diarreah. I was trying to let him air out when I got home from work today with no diaper but that was a very bad idea for obvious reasons...which reminds me, I must go clean!
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Thursday, October 14, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Depressing...
As I sit here and watch the Sex and the City movie on HBO (Am I paying for HBO? I had no idea I had these channels.), I am thinking.
I just returned from Denver today. I was there this week for a work conference. I was on the conference planning team for the past year…for the past six months, I’ve dreaded this conference. I mean, DREADED it. Jack turned six months on Monday. Hence why for six months, I’ve dreaded leaving. Two weeks before the conference, I was asked to be the “Master of Ceremonies” for the conference. What is worse than dreading? Whatever it is, that’s what I did. Master of Ceremonies? Who…ME?! ? WHY!!! Prior to knowing I was the MC of the conference, I was making myself feel better about the trip thinking…I need to be positive. You know…for six months, I haven’t had one second to myself. I haven’t done anything just…for me. This would be my time! I could sleep in, I could watch movies on TV, I could go out each night with friends/coworkers…this could be a great time. As I sat in front of my boss, watching the words fall out of her mouth, asking me to be the MC, my dreams of relaxation were dashed as I envisioned myself in front of 240 people from across the country.
In the end, the MC experience was a great one. I got very positive feedback and think I did a pretty good job. It took my mind off of being away from Jack and John and I really enjoyed it. I loved being in front of everyone, meeting new people and feeling like I was doing something that added to the conference. On the last night, which was last night, I treated myself to a new pair of Ray Ban sunglasses. These:
So now, let’s talk about Denver…Ew! I don’t like that city! So many young, edgy, aggressive, druggie, homeless people…everywhere! And I saw something that really disturbed me. REALLY disturbed me. My stomach still turns as I think about it. I hope it soon fades from my memory but right now, it’s imprinted on my brain. It’s about 10:00 pm. A bunch of friends/coworkers and I are walking back to the hotel from dinner. It’s a GORGEOUS summer night, with no humidity. A crowd is gathered around an artist who is using spray paint to create art. I approach the crowd to get a better view and notice a baby (maybe one year old) in a stroller. I notice babies so much now…never did before. My first thought is, this poor baby should be at home in bed. I really feel sorry for babies who get dragged around by their parents, don’t get the sleep they need…you know how you feel when you don’t get the sleep you need. My second thought is, Wow these fumes are strong. This baby should not be inhaling these fumes. And then I see the dad. A strung- out homeless druggie with missing teeth. He’s telling the baby she better stop crying or he’ll lock her in the stroller. He takes her out of the stroller and starts kind of shaking her (not violently) saying, “What’s the matter! What’s the matter!” Not in a gentle nurturing voice…more of a yell…like a “shut up” tone. I see tears running down the babies face and my heart literally broke at that moment. I’m thinking, “Let me tell you what’s the matter. It’s 10:00. She needs to be at home in bed. Not out here around a bunch of your homeless friends, also on drugs, inhaling paint fumes while you sit here and yell at her telling her to stop crying or you’ll lock her in the stroller.” This kid…she has no chance. All the cards are stacked against her. As I write this, my stomach just feels sick. I wish I could erase the memory. As we continued to walk back to the hotel, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I thought, I wish I could help people like this. Then I thought, I could never have a job where I had to help these people…b/c I can’t get it out of my head. It just breaks my HEART. I feel sick. And I would never be able to function. I have to pretend that stuff does not exist. But when you see that stuff, it smacks you in the face, that for tons of children in this world, it DOES exist. They have no support, no one to answer their cries, no one to give them a hug, no one to tuck them into bed to make sure they get the sleep they need…all they have is parents on drugs who don’t answer any of their needs and just tell them if they don’t stop crying they’ll lock them in the stroller. Makes me sick. Literally. The only positive that came of this is…it alleviated some of the guilt I feel for having let Jack “cry it out” very early on when I had to teach him he needed to sleep apart from me. I thought, Jack has it pretty darn good compared to millions of children out there. I wish I could have taken that little girl home with me.
Aside from that, life is good. I’m struggling to achieve balance, still. But I’m sure that will come in time. Jack is absolutely adorable. He is just…awesome. I was so happy to get home to him today. In a way, I’m happy John and Jack had the chance to hang out this week, just the two of them. I’m happy Jack had time to bond with his aunt (Maggie) and both grandmas. They all came over to lend John a hand. But I missed him like crazy!!!
I just returned from Denver today. I was there this week for a work conference. I was on the conference planning team for the past year…for the past six months, I’ve dreaded this conference. I mean, DREADED it. Jack turned six months on Monday. Hence why for six months, I’ve dreaded leaving. Two weeks before the conference, I was asked to be the “Master of Ceremonies” for the conference. What is worse than dreading? Whatever it is, that’s what I did. Master of Ceremonies? Who…ME?! ? WHY!!! Prior to knowing I was the MC of the conference, I was making myself feel better about the trip thinking…I need to be positive. You know…for six months, I haven’t had one second to myself. I haven’t done anything just…for me. This would be my time! I could sleep in, I could watch movies on TV, I could go out each night with friends/coworkers…this could be a great time. As I sat in front of my boss, watching the words fall out of her mouth, asking me to be the MC, my dreams of relaxation were dashed as I envisioned myself in front of 240 people from across the country.
In the end, the MC experience was a great one. I got very positive feedback and think I did a pretty good job. It took my mind off of being away from Jack and John and I really enjoyed it. I loved being in front of everyone, meeting new people and feeling like I was doing something that added to the conference. On the last night, which was last night, I treated myself to a new pair of Ray Ban sunglasses. These:
So now, let’s talk about Denver…Ew! I don’t like that city! So many young, edgy, aggressive, druggie, homeless people…everywhere! And I saw something that really disturbed me. REALLY disturbed me. My stomach still turns as I think about it. I hope it soon fades from my memory but right now, it’s imprinted on my brain. It’s about 10:00 pm. A bunch of friends/coworkers and I are walking back to the hotel from dinner. It’s a GORGEOUS summer night, with no humidity. A crowd is gathered around an artist who is using spray paint to create art. I approach the crowd to get a better view and notice a baby (maybe one year old) in a stroller. I notice babies so much now…never did before. My first thought is, this poor baby should be at home in bed. I really feel sorry for babies who get dragged around by their parents, don’t get the sleep they need…you know how you feel when you don’t get the sleep you need. My second thought is, Wow these fumes are strong. This baby should not be inhaling these fumes. And then I see the dad. A strung- out homeless druggie with missing teeth. He’s telling the baby she better stop crying or he’ll lock her in the stroller. He takes her out of the stroller and starts kind of shaking her (not violently) saying, “What’s the matter! What’s the matter!” Not in a gentle nurturing voice…more of a yell…like a “shut up” tone. I see tears running down the babies face and my heart literally broke at that moment. I’m thinking, “Let me tell you what’s the matter. It’s 10:00. She needs to be at home in bed. Not out here around a bunch of your homeless friends, also on drugs, inhaling paint fumes while you sit here and yell at her telling her to stop crying or you’ll lock her in the stroller.” This kid…she has no chance. All the cards are stacked against her. As I write this, my stomach just feels sick. I wish I could erase the memory. As we continued to walk back to the hotel, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I thought, I wish I could help people like this. Then I thought, I could never have a job where I had to help these people…b/c I can’t get it out of my head. It just breaks my HEART. I feel sick. And I would never be able to function. I have to pretend that stuff does not exist. But when you see that stuff, it smacks you in the face, that for tons of children in this world, it DOES exist. They have no support, no one to answer their cries, no one to give them a hug, no one to tuck them into bed to make sure they get the sleep they need…all they have is parents on drugs who don’t answer any of their needs and just tell them if they don’t stop crying they’ll lock them in the stroller. Makes me sick. Literally. The only positive that came of this is…it alleviated some of the guilt I feel for having let Jack “cry it out” very early on when I had to teach him he needed to sleep apart from me. I thought, Jack has it pretty darn good compared to millions of children out there. I wish I could have taken that little girl home with me.
Aside from that, life is good. I’m struggling to achieve balance, still. But I’m sure that will come in time. Jack is absolutely adorable. He is just…awesome. I was so happy to get home to him today. In a way, I’m happy John and Jack had the chance to hang out this week, just the two of them. I’m happy Jack had time to bond with his aunt (Maggie) and both grandmas. They all came over to lend John a hand. But I missed him like crazy!!!
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Angry Mom Blog
Someone said I should title my blog "The Angry Mom Blog" since I tend to only write it in when something is bothering me.
It's been too long. I miss you blog!!! I was thinking of taking a creative writing class...maybe something online...then I was like, why not just write in my blog?
Where do I BEGIN?
Let's see...I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out who the new "me" is. What I mean is, I'm having an identity crisis! I've always been somewhat of an "all or nothing" person meaning I do what I do really well or don't do it at all. I'm finding that as a mom, that's impossible. I can't be a superstar at work because well, frankly, I'm not willing to work a minute past 3:30. My hours are from 7:00 am - 3:30 pm. Jack's had some pretty big health issues (they seem big to me anyway) over the past five months and I've had to take a lot of time off work. So I don't feel like a success at work. At the same time, I don't feel like a success as a mom. How am I a success? I only see my son 2 hours each day before he goes to bed for the night. I also feel like a failure as a friend...because I really can't do anything anymore. I work full time and so the time I'm not working, I want and need to spend it with the fam. So I feel just like...a failure. This is dramatic and probably a very negative way of looking at it. But I'm sure it will get better...I hope.
In other news, Jack is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! After two kidney infections, C. Diff, ear infections, reflux, colds, yada yada yada...he is finally feeling GOOD and just so cute and adorable and HAPPY. Oh and for all you with easy babies, stop saying, "Oh my baby is so happy!" GUHHHHHHHHHH that is so annoying to me. Jack is NOT easy and pretty...tempermental...but I like to think he is so happy even though not easy. I'm going to start saying, "Oh my baby is so SMART." Difficult babies must be smart ;)
K I'm done.
It's been too long. I miss you blog!!! I was thinking of taking a creative writing class...maybe something online...then I was like, why not just write in my blog?
Where do I BEGIN?
Let's see...I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out who the new "me" is. What I mean is, I'm having an identity crisis! I've always been somewhat of an "all or nothing" person meaning I do what I do really well or don't do it at all. I'm finding that as a mom, that's impossible. I can't be a superstar at work because well, frankly, I'm not willing to work a minute past 3:30. My hours are from 7:00 am - 3:30 pm. Jack's had some pretty big health issues (they seem big to me anyway) over the past five months and I've had to take a lot of time off work. So I don't feel like a success at work. At the same time, I don't feel like a success as a mom. How am I a success? I only see my son 2 hours each day before he goes to bed for the night. I also feel like a failure as a friend...because I really can't do anything anymore. I work full time and so the time I'm not working, I want and need to spend it with the fam. So I feel just like...a failure. This is dramatic and probably a very negative way of looking at it. But I'm sure it will get better...I hope.
In other news, Jack is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! After two kidney infections, C. Diff, ear infections, reflux, colds, yada yada yada...he is finally feeling GOOD and just so cute and adorable and HAPPY. Oh and for all you with easy babies, stop saying, "Oh my baby is so happy!" GUHHHHHHHHHH that is so annoying to me. Jack is NOT easy and pretty...tempermental...but I like to think he is so happy even though not easy. I'm going to start saying, "Oh my baby is so SMART." Difficult babies must be smart ;)
K I'm done.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tired
First, I want to post a picture of Sarah, Bastian, Jack and me. (Sorry if my grammar is wrong in that sentence...I always hate it when people say for example, "John and me went to the grocery store..." instead of "John and I went to the grocery store." Would you say, "ME went to the grocery store?" No...NO you wouldn't! So why would you say "So-and-so and ME went/did/whatever anything!" Ahh I HATE that! Anyway I digress...)
Sarah and I went walkng the other day...we'd been meaning to get pictures of us and the BOB's for awhile...we finally did! I had to get the Cutco knife representative I'd been suckered into letting come over to take the picture for us since John wasn't home. I also had to whip out a boob and feed Jack in the middle of her presentation. Just kidding...I used the Hooter Hider. But I did acknowledge to her that it was probably a strange presentation for her...and I did buy knives. So hopefully she thought it was worth it. Here are the pics...I look terrible but they are cute, nonetheless. Jack and Bastian have both graduated from the infant car seat adapter!
I'm having a rough day. I'm exhausted...last night we went to dinner and even though we tried to get home before Jack's bedtime and with enough time to go through the routine, it took Jack out of his normal routine and he was extremely difficult. Because he got to bed maybe 15 minutes later than he ever does (8:15), he didn't sleep as well as he normally does and woke up earlier than he usually does (5:00 AM). I know I'm lucky to have a baby that sleeps so long but I'M STILL GOING TO COMPLAIN!!!!!!! Please don't say, "Oh wow you're lucky! Who cares that Jack doesn't sleep well during the day?" I DO, okay!?! I care. It's completely exhausting. I'm caring more and more with each day that passes. Way back when, when Jack was two weeks old, I had to let him cry one night so that he would learn to sleep in the crib. It really only took that one night...sometimes I still feel guilty about ever letting him "cry it out" but I had to, I was about to fall apart and I didn't want his first word to be the F word which he was hearing a lot of since he would only sleep on my chest and was waking up like every HOUR. (I don't promote cussing...just sayin...I was hardly hanging on.) Well, during the days I felt like I should roll with the punches. And the doctor said that until he were four months old, try to just deal with it during the day. Which I totally did. But now, I seriously am about to freak OUT. Its like, JACK...what the #(*&#(&@???? What is this about? He wakes up after 30-45 minutes of each nap and then needs to go down again after another hour. We can't go ANYWHERE. If we do, he wont sleep and is a mess. I want a routine! Where is the routine? I write down everything he does and then study it, searching desperately for any sign that a routine may be emerging. But no! I never see the signs. He still SUCKS at naps and I'm going crazy! I can't deal with his CONSTANT fussing all day long, since he is never really fully rested except for first thing in the morning after his 10-11 hour sleep that night. I'm trying to tell Jack he is looking less and less cute the longer this goes on but he doesn't seem to care? So he is over four months old now and that's when they say you may need to let the babies cry a little more...but I just can't do it...and believe it or not...he really knows how to get me to jump. My mom made me wait three minutes before I'd respond to him freaking out one day. He was just sitting there on my lap and started freakin b/c my mom and I were having a conversation, and not focused on only him. He DEMANDS attention and just lost it. So I started entertaining him and doing what I do and my mom said, NO...do not respond to this...I'm setting my watch for three minutes and you have to have a conversation with me while he cries...don't even look at him. I was like, I can't doooooooooooo itttttttttttt!!! But I tried and two minutes later, less than three, he quit crying so I started paying attention to him again. But I feel like I'm getting bossed around by this little guy! My mom said when I was little, after a meltdown at the pediatrician, the doctor told her to read the book by Dobson on how to raise a strong willed child. And I really think I have a mini-version of myself on my hands. John was like, why...WHYYYYYYYY????? We're so exhausted...today was a long day. We wanted to go to the farmers market but didn't even make it out of the neighborhood...Jack had already started crying and I couldn't take it anymore. We pulled a u-turn and went back home. Anyway, just had to vent.
More to write but I'm too tired.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Definition of Success
Today at work we had this conference...and there was a motivational speaker. He was pretty much your typical motivational speaker, speaking about the typical motivational speaker stuff. He had everyone write down their definition of success and their definition of balance. I started feeling like, well I dont know what I define as success now. In a way, I don't feel like a success at work and I don't feel like a success as a mom b/c I'm not doing either of them 100%. At work, I can't really chase down any career aspirations b/c I want to keep a lower stress job that is more conducive to being a mother. But at home, I am only home with Jack for 3-4 hours before he goes to bed each night during the week. That's hardly being a really great mother. So is it better to be not very good at anything you do or give up something so you can focus on one area of your life? I don't know...but it sort of put me in a bad mood!
I called the advice nurse tonigh b/c sometimes I wonder why Jack will wake up from an occasional nap screaming bloody murder...he goes from sleeping to screaming. MOST naps he wakes up and just gives out a little cry to let me know he's awake and ready for me to come get him. SOME naps he just screamsssssssss!!! So I asked, "How do I know something isn't wrong?" She was like, Lauren...by now we know...well, I dont know how else to say...your son is high maitenance. He isn't afraid to let you know when something, anything, is bothering him. He could be waking up and just possibly a little disoriented...or just wants you to pick him up RIGHT NOW. I was like, I know...he really is very high maitenance. Sometimes I need that reminder. I need to remember to not get so stressed wondering, what's wrong now? She told me her third child NEVER ever cried...to the point where he one day cried, so she took him to the doctor immediately, and he turned out to be extremely extremely ill...but never let on until after he had been really sick for a long time. My son lets me know if the wind blew his hair in the wrong direction. But you know...that makes him EXACTLY like me. If he doesn't look like me, I guess I am happy he acts like me :)
Tonight John and I took him to the pool. I've gone a few times with him but I get sort of nervous b/c I'm with him by myself and can't get into the big pool with him since there are no stairs (only the metal ones) making it hard to get in with him in my arms. Since John was there, we all three could get into the main pool together...Jack loveeeeeeeeeeed it. John helped him kick and Jack even put his face under (oops...this wasn't purposeful)...but it didn't phase him. It was so adorable. It wore Jack out and as soon as we got home, I gave him a warm bath, oiled him up, fed him, and he was out like a light by 7:00. Really nice family introduced themselves to us at the pool.
HEre is a picture of Jack and me at my parents house over the weekend for Allison and Greg's baby shower. At first I didn't like the picture of me but now I love this picture of us.
Someone walked in on me...
*I meant to post this on June 10*
I cannot BELIEVE it is June 10, 2010!!! Where DOES the time go? Jack’s four month doctors appointment is on June 22. I wish I could say we’ve only been to the doctors for his two day, 1 week, 2 week, 2 month, and 4 month doctors appointment. NO! NOT the case! Between Jack and Bailey (refer back to my previous post on Bailey), we are at the doctor all the time! I hope Jack isn’t like Bailey…I just shuddered as I wrote that. For Jack we’ve been to the doctors office numerous times…reflux, ear infection, URINARY TRACT INFECTION/KIDNEY INFECTION. UgH!!! But hopefully we’re in the clear now.
Work is going fantastic as I mentioned in my prior post. I feel engaged, love the people, love the agency, love what the future may hold. I have a conference in August. It’s only once every two years and I feel I need to go, although I know no one is forcing me to. I have been debating it for a long time now…so this week I finally bit the bullet and registered. Six whole days away from my little family. I will have to pump every night for 48 nights so that I have enough milk to last Jack the entire time I’m gone, assuming I pump 5 ounces each night. I hate pumping! When I’m there, I’ll have to pump as often as Jack would normally eat and then store it…I requested a fridge in the room and will send the milk back using dry ice. I could probably just dump it and not bring it back with me but I hate pumping and wouldn’t want to waste the milk! Last night as I was falling asleep I sort of got an anxiety attack thinking, what if Jack starts preferring the bottle while I’m gone since he’ll go six whole days without nursing? Ugh. That would be a horrible thing. I cherish that time I have with him. I don’t feel like people understand b/c when I mention it, people say, “He’ll be six months.” I know you can stop breastfeeding then but I want to breastfeed for a full year. OR I start worrying, what if he DOESN’T start preferring the bottle and has a really hard time not having that time with ME while I’m gone? John is REALLY great with Jack and Jack loves being with John but still, I’m the mom! So I guess when I’m awake I feel like, okay I can do this. But as the day starts winding down and I become tired, my mind starts whirring and I get a LOT of anxiety about this trip. On the other hand, it’s going to be a blast. We’re going to Denver and there is a lot to do there! I’ll be able to socialize at night, watch movies in my hotel room, and sleep in past 5:00 AM! Heavennnnnnn!!!!!
Akward moment of the day: Someone walking in on me while I was pumping. I thought I was the only one with a key to this “employee file room” but apparently not. When I heard the key turning, I yelled “someone’s in here!” Luckily it was a woman but when she saw me, she just continued on in and started filing things around me. Akward! I spilled milk all over my pants and somehow had a big wet mark on my butt. And only produced like half as much milk.
I cannot BELIEVE it is June 10, 2010!!! Where DOES the time go? Jack’s four month doctors appointment is on June 22. I wish I could say we’ve only been to the doctors for his two day, 1 week, 2 week, 2 month, and 4 month doctors appointment. NO! NOT the case! Between Jack and Bailey (refer back to my previous post on Bailey), we are at the doctor all the time! I hope Jack isn’t like Bailey…I just shuddered as I wrote that. For Jack we’ve been to the doctors office numerous times…reflux, ear infection, URINARY TRACT INFECTION/KIDNEY INFECTION. UgH!!! But hopefully we’re in the clear now.
Work is going fantastic as I mentioned in my prior post. I feel engaged, love the people, love the agency, love what the future may hold. I have a conference in August. It’s only once every two years and I feel I need to go, although I know no one is forcing me to. I have been debating it for a long time now…so this week I finally bit the bullet and registered. Six whole days away from my little family. I will have to pump every night for 48 nights so that I have enough milk to last Jack the entire time I’m gone, assuming I pump 5 ounces each night. I hate pumping! When I’m there, I’ll have to pump as often as Jack would normally eat and then store it…I requested a fridge in the room and will send the milk back using dry ice. I could probably just dump it and not bring it back with me but I hate pumping and wouldn’t want to waste the milk! Last night as I was falling asleep I sort of got an anxiety attack thinking, what if Jack starts preferring the bottle while I’m gone since he’ll go six whole days without nursing? Ugh. That would be a horrible thing. I cherish that time I have with him. I don’t feel like people understand b/c when I mention it, people say, “He’ll be six months.” I know you can stop breastfeeding then but I want to breastfeed for a full year. OR I start worrying, what if he DOESN’T start preferring the bottle and has a really hard time not having that time with ME while I’m gone? John is REALLY great with Jack and Jack loves being with John but still, I’m the mom! So I guess when I’m awake I feel like, okay I can do this. But as the day starts winding down and I become tired, my mind starts whirring and I get a LOT of anxiety about this trip. On the other hand, it’s going to be a blast. We’re going to Denver and there is a lot to do there! I’ll be able to socialize at night, watch movies in my hotel room, and sleep in past 5:00 AM! Heavennnnnnn!!!!!
Akward moment of the day: Someone walking in on me while I was pumping. I thought I was the only one with a key to this “employee file room” but apparently not. When I heard the key turning, I yelled “someone’s in here!” Luckily it was a woman but when she saw me, she just continued on in and started filing things around me. Akward! I spilled milk all over my pants and somehow had a big wet mark on my butt. And only produced like half as much milk.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I'm bacccccccccccck!
I'm such a bad blogger. I've gone weeks (I think) without writing. I refuse to let it go! I will continue on! This will not be just another phase! (Like hamsters, fruit dehydraters, fish tanks, etc.)
Well, I'm just...exhausted. kay goodnight!
Just kidding.
Well Jack is just getting over a Urinary Tract Infection. I really don't feel like going into that story but basically after five or six weeks of being told he has an ear infection, then just a virus, etc...we found out (after a trip to the ER) he has had a UTI. I mean, POOR GUY!!! What the HECK man! (John HATES it when I say "what the heck man!") So after a week on Cefellin, he has blood (a lot) in his stool. Doctor said thats normal (Thank God). He had to have a renal ultrasound and "VCUG" at the hospital on Monday. By some miracle, he didn't cry during the VCUG which is good b/c they said if he did, the test might not work. I was like, you must be kidding me you CRAZY NURSE!!! But he didn't cry! It was amazing. He freaked out during the ultrasound which was the easy part.Work is going...well, great! I love being back at work and I love coming home to Jack in the late afternoons. Especially now that he actually is a happy baby since he is feeling better for the first time in well, EVER.
Jack LOVES Nilda (the babysitter). This is ideal...I love our situation.
I need some blopics. Can anyone throw out some topics for me to blog about? Anything!!! (well, within reason)
Shout out to Lauren who reminded me to blog tonight! (Different Lauren)
More consistent blogging coming soon! For now, check out Jack's ROLLS! Can't beat those! These pics were taken by my friend Marie when we walked to her house one afternoon while John worked on installing her new faucet.
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