Terrible 2's...or not EVEN

Hello.

Sorry!  I am a terrible blogger.  I think the only time I was very consistent was the three months I was on maternity leave...and for a little while after that.  Anywho, for awhile I thought I should change the title of my blog to "The Angry Mom Blog" b/c it seemed like I only complained in my blog posts.  Now I'm thinking it should be called "The Crisis Blog" or something b/c it's like, I only think to blog when I feel sort of beaten up!  Wanted to dedicate this blog post to toddlerhood.  Specifically, "The Terrible 2's"

The fact is, my son is only 21 months.  I know he isn't in "The Terrible 2"s yet.  I know I haven't seen anything yet!  But...that is very scarey.  Because I FEEL like I've seen it all!  And sometimes, I am not sure if I should laugh or cry.  Let's revisit last night.  I don't know why what comes into my mind while I type this is "The Ghost of Christmas Past" taking us on a trip to "LAST NIGHT!!!!" (shudder)

I got to daycare by 4 and picked him up.  What happens first is, and this is pretty much a daily occurance, is, he wants to DRIVE the car, not sit in his carseat.  So he'll go to every door but his door saying "drive. drive. drive. drive."  Even when I finally pick him up and put him in carseat he is going, "ehhhh!!! drive. drive. drive. drive.  ehhhh!!!" reaching for front seat.  I just keep saying, "Jack, I know!  You want to drive!!!  But you're too small to drive...mama is going to drive today!"  So we get past that.  Get home and when we pull onto our street its "ma mow. ma mow. ma mow"  That means lawn mower.  I tried to say, "Jack its raining and cold today, lets go inside." but it didn't work and he loves being outside so I was like whatever.   So he grabs his lawn mower from by the front door and we start a walk.  If you go this way, he points and says "that way"...if you start walking with him "that way" he points to the street and says "street!" (he wants to walk in the street.)  If I let him walk next to me in the street (ours...on a culdesac so very quiet)...he'll point and say "that way!" and want back to side walk.  Its constant zig zag.  Anyway, yesterday I insisted he wear a hat since it was raining and cold.  Terrible 2's...I think they like to see how much control they have.  He kept taking it off so I stuck my foot in front of his lawn mower and said, "Jack, if you want to walk outside, you have to wear the hat to keep your head warm"...well he started ramming me (in the rain), with his lawn mower, screaming, pushing, etc etc.  Of course there is this old lady strolling by us at this moment when I am crouched in front of him trying to get him to stop screaming and listen to me that all he has to do is wear a hat.  Anyway I just picked him (he is screaming), pick up his lawn mower, and walk to the house.  At this moment, my sister in law pulls up next to us to give something she is lending me.  Of course, he turns on a very happy face immediately.  Anyway, Jack and I finally get inside, husband was working from home so I'm like, John, can you give him a bath tonight (I'm trying to get John to do more of that stuff so its not a total shock when baby comes and I can't do it sometimes)?  John is like sure.   Jack and I are in living room playing with cars which goes like this.  Jack plays by himself for about 60 seconds.  He realizes all the attention is not on him and says, "Mamaaaa"  Kind of with the same tone you would say, "Silllyyyy...what are you thinking!" and puts a car in my hand.  I play with him for a minute which involves just running the car all over the table.  I put the car down and watch him play and he realizes I have put my car down so he circles around, picks up the car, "Mammaaaaa" and puts it back in my hand.  He does something to sort of hurt his hand but not really, can't remember what...and starts crying (but not really) saying "Kick it. Kick it"  That means, "kiss it."  So I kiss it (I love doing this) and he says, "It's better."' and continues playing.  20 seconds later, Jack starts saying "TV. TV. TV. TV. TV. Elmo. Elmo. Elmo"  So we go down and watch some Elmo.  And NO I don't let him watch TV very often and YES I know they are not supposed to watch TV until they're two.  We typically watch about 20 minutes per day.  While we're watching TV, John fixes dinner for us, we go upstairs, sit at table (Jack won't eat...he only will eat one yogurt each night before bed)...done with dinner, John goes to give him a bath.  Jack kicks and screams (literally) the entire two minute bath because he wants me to do it.  Screams and kicks and stomps and throws himself on floor while John is trying to put his diaper and pajamas on.  We go right upstairs for books, its only about 5:40. We're all laying on the bed and we take out one of his favorite books "Where the Wild Things Are".  Jack is laying on my lap and John next to us.  John opens the book up to start reading and Jack TEARS it out of his hands and shoves it into my face to read.  Repeat this...three times.  He only wants me to read it and is throwing a LOUD tantrum through the whole process of him trying to force ME to read.  So I finally get up to put him to bed.  It's only about 5:45!  If I would have a.) let him walk where he wanted without a hat outside b.) given him a bath instead of John and c.) read him books instead of John being the reader the night would have been fine...but I get sick of him calling ALL the shots.  AGH!  He isn't usually that intense but when he is tired he is and he has been so tired.  So at 5:45 I went into his room with him and sat on the rocker and cuddled with him.  He would calm down and be almost sleeping then work himself up again and start crying, calm down, start crying, calm down...finally I put him in his crib and he cried for like 10 minutes off and on then went to sleep til almost 6 am. 

I go downstairs, plop on recliner, and start crying.  Wahhhh!!!!  Feel sad that I spent a total of 1 hour, 45 miserable minutes with my son while relieved he is sleeping for the night.  Wonder if I'm a bad mother for working full time when I see how exhausted he is at the end of each day.  Regardless, think I need to start setting better and more consistent limits.

In other news for anyone reading the blog, I am about 26 weeks pregnant, due Feb 28th, with a GIRL!  Crossing my fingers for one of those babies who are laid back and sleep a lot.  I used to look at those babies and think, they must not be very smart.  You have to say that to yourself when your own child never sleeps and is grumpy and uber-intense all the time.  Maybe you don't HAVE to say that but I really did.  But I'd be happy for a boring baby to balance out my totally wild and exciting one!  Jack's birthday is Feb 23rd.  Jack arrived 10 days early so I'm anticipating this baby to come on or around Jack's birthday.  John and I are going through a really great class at church which I am always thinking about so I will have to start blogging some about those thoughts too.  Two of the classes that really got me thinking were on Alienation and Reconciliation, specifically related to families in Genesis, but of course, how can you NOT compare to your own family? 

My Birth Story, 13 1/2 months late

Hi friends,

Something I have been meaning to do for, well...13 1/2 months...is write out my birth story.  Tonight I was reading my friend Myra's story on her blog, and was inspired.  How can I remember in great detail, you ask?  I'm lucky in that I talk every night to my friend Allison on gchat...between the records of those gchats and emails sent to friends (I'm an avid emailer), I'm sure I can put together a great story.  So here we go...

Rewinding to Monday, February 22, 2010...I'm 38 weeks pregnant, almost.  I wake up, catch the train to work...work work work...sometime around 8:00 am, I walk down to McDonalds for a diet coke and to sit in a booth, call my mom, and cry about how bad I hate being pregnant and want this baby out!!!  I was soooo sick of being pregnant.  My mom later told me she KNEW I was going to have Jack that day...she could tell I hit a wall and just knew it.

2:00 pm, get a call from my husband telling me he is leaving work, his sister is picking him up, and they're driving to the hospital in St. Mary's County (two hours from us) because his dad is in the hospital.  Mr. Geraghty was in the end stages of congestive heart failure and had many other health issues so we never knew what to think when he went into the hospital.  I think to myself, I bet I go into labor today...because it seems like anytime Mr. Geraghty got sick, something major would happen. 

4:30 pm, catch the train home, go home, do whatever I used to do pre-baby.  I remember eating a lot of ice cream that day.  I had a sundae at McDonalds and around 7 pm or so, had a huge bowl of Breyers Vanilla Bean ice cream.  My favorite!  I had felt achey all day (nothing new) so I decided to take a bath (nothing new, I live for baths)...get out of the bath and feel like...hmm...did I just pee?  I know, TMI!!! (Too Much Information)...but if I'm writing my birth story, I have to really write it!

So I sit on my new recliner.  (My mother-in-law bought me and Jack a recliner as a gift...best gift ever!).  I google something like, "did my water break or did I pee?"  Something like that.  The article said to put on dry clothes, lay down in bed for 30 minutes, get back up.  If when you get up, a gush comes out, then your water broke...because what happens is, the water pools and so when you stand up, it comes out.  Unlike pee, obviously.  I stand up to go follow these directions and, gush.  My water definitely broke. 

I call the doctor and leave a message.  She calls back and asks me to tell her what happened and asks what it looks like. I said, I dont know...a little cloudy and slimey?  She said, well I don't think your water broke b/c it would be just like urine but come in anyway so I can check.  I told her my husband isn't home yet, can I wait for him?  She said, "Okay but you need to be here within an hour".  So I call my husband and tell him, "Guess what!!!  My water broke!!!"  I hear his sister, Maggie, scream in the background.  They're almost home.  No contractions starting, I'm calm but NERVOUS about labor.  My mom tells me there is nothing to be nervous about and that I'll be fine (famous last words).  By the time John gets home about 30 minutes later (it's now about 8:15 pm) contractions have started, I notice they're about 7 minutes apart.  They hurt!  John is wandering around house in boxers getting ready.  I'm like, "JOHN WHAT THE (@*&@(& are you doing!!! We gotta go!!!!!!!"  So he starts to hurry.  It's rainy.  We get in car to go.  Wish I had replaced windshield wipers when I realized they stink b/c when you're in labor, the fact you can't see out your window really REALLY is annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I remember cussing kind of a lot...more than usual anyway.

We get to Fairfax Hospital, John drops me in front so he can park.  Thank goodness my pre-registration paperwork went through.  I'm wearing grey stretchy pants...no one tells you that when your water breaks, it gushes, and continues and continues and doesn't stop.  I always thought, your water breaks, done.  No more water.  noooo.  It looks like you're peeing your pants, non-stop.  I'm at registration desk, bent over in pain...looking like I have pee running all down my pants.  DISGUSTING.  They get me up to triage FINALLY...I sit in a chair waiting...probably ruined the chair.  Sorry.  They said they're used to it.  Get into the little triage room and can't figure out the frickin robe thing.  Annoyed me badly.  John had to call a nurse in to help.  They finally get me set up with an IV of saline (which you have to have before the epidural, which I could not wait for).  Oh, by the way, its now about 9:00 pm.  I keep watching the bag of saline waiting for it to empty so they can give me the epidural.  Took ForEVER!!!!!!!!  I keep asking John, How much left now? How much left now?  What about now?  And I continued cussing a lot...F-word.  Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!  John said, "Look Lauren, everyone in this entire place knows you're waiting for you're F-ing epidural"...(thats how I kept referring to it).  Anyway, FINALLY, the saline is emptied...yesss....but they hook up another bag of saline...like, what the HECK?!?!?!  Guess what?  Anasthesiologist is tied up in an "emergency" surgery.  I don't underSTAND that.  Fairfax hospital only having one available anasthesiologist?  Makes no sense.  (I'm still angry. Will not go back to Fairfax Hospital.)  Doctor by this time had come in to check me, and I'm 100% effaced, 3 cm dialated, contractions 1-3 minutes apart.  Finally get to labor and delivery room.  Doctor is with me but I wanted my epidural and was pretty...worked up about it...VERY angry.  VERYYYY angry.  Doctor tells me I'm going to be a mother and I need to get a grip.  Nurse tells me if I don't get control I'm going to hemorage.  Oh, and for the record, I wasn't one of those ladies who is moaning and yelling in pain.  No!!!  I was MAD!  I was like, "Where the F is my epidural!"  Anasthesiologist shows up when Jack's head is pretty much hanging out.  I was like, I still want the epidural!  So the doctor says, "Let her have it."  In that tone of voice thats line, "Fine.  Whatever!  See how THIS goes!"  They told me I have to be still for ten minutes.  Then they said, four minutes.  I said I can do that.  I sit up, and realize, there is no way I can be still that long.  So the anasthesiologist runs out to the next person.  I never get my epidural.  boohoo.  Jack's head feels like fire.  Darn it!  His 99th percentile head.  8 lbs 11 oz.  After the head, the rest felt easy.  He was born at 12:42 am on Feb 23.  So I guess from the time contractions started to the time Jack was here, my labor was a quick 4 hrs, maybe 4 hrs 15 minutes.  I remember wanting to push way earlier than they wanted me to.  The nurse kept telling me to wait but eventually the doctor said, fine, just let her.  So I did.  Later, when they got me in my actual room (at 4:00 am), the nurse helps me go to the bathroom (very humbeling to have a baby) and she's like, wow you are so swollen...what happened?  I'm like, I HAD A BABY. I didn't say that.  But I didn't admit it's because I pushed before they really wanted me to. 

I remember one of my biggest fears about labor was...I heard that people like...I can't even say it...I just can't say it...but I will say, in those moments, you don't care about a thing.  Those nurses must see the worst in people.  That's my opinion.  Once I came to grips with the fact I wasn't getting the epidural, I just focused, quit being so angry, and got the job done...the nurse said, "Wow, you're like a different person now."

Once Jack was born, they rushed him off to take all the measurments, etc.  John went off taking pictures.  And I'm stuck with the doctor who is pushing the placenta out, then stitching me up!  No fair!  That's another thing I never knew about!  It doesn't end once the baby is out!

You have to stay in Labor and Delivery for two hours.  Nursing was stressful.  Oh and another thing, you know how some people cry and are so excited to see baby?  I was just flat out exhausted.  I'd been up since 6 am, it was now 12:42 am, I had worked a full day...I just wanted to sleep.  It didn't feel real and I dont think I had enough energy to feel anything...happy, sad, nothing.  Just exhaustion.  At 4 am, they got me into my room.  The charge nurse was assigned to me and the first thing she does is pull out the dry erase marker and ask me what is my idea of good customer service (or whatever the phrase is)...so she could write it on the board.  Also, what do I want help with while here?  I said, Breastfeeding.  They're really focused on their ratings which is why they ask these questions but I couldn't believe she was asking me this at 4 a.m.  I wanted to sleep!  So we finally got to sleep, then some big machine in my room was out of battery and started beeping like an alarm...so I was awake.  I pushed the button and they came to bring the machine out of my room.  6:00 am, the room above starts moving furniture.  Awake again.  I think I was only there for two nights and couldnt wait to be gone.  My day time nurse was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Night time nurse didn't crack a smile...I was so stressed at night.

So that's my birth story :)  Does it sound negative?  Scarey?  Depressing?  Sorry!  Is it weird that I can't wait for another one???  I didn't have to reference any emails or gchats...I remembered it all!

Oh yeah, the doctor told my daytime nurse that I was "destined" not to have an epidural since I was breastfeeding and using cloth diapers.  Doctor was so nice to me later and every visit after.  When my friends had their visits, she would say, Oh yeah, Lauren was a rockstar!  She probably says that about everyone but even if not, I dont care...I am still wondering why she told me to get a grip!  haha!!!  TO give her credit, she was ON the table demonstrating how to push. 

God Thoughts, I MISS Him

Can anyone tell me about "Post-It Note Tuesday"?  What is it?  How do I do it?

Also, anyone have any idea what some of these writers workshops I'm seeing are?  I see them on some mom-blogs?

I'm going to attempt more frequent posts over the next couple of months.  I have a lot whirring through my mind lately and, it will be good to have an outlet.

This is going to be a very brief post because all of the sudden, I have a mind-block.  Of course!  But something I have been thinking about.  A friend and I were chatting on the phone.  She says, I like doing nice things, thats what friends are for!  And God gives back to us when we give to others, right?  I said, Yes!

I'm paraphrasing the above.  But I have been thinking about that conversation today and realized, God gives back to us, even when we don't give to others and even when we don't do nice things for others and even when we utterly do NOT deserve it...he loves us and will bless our lives.  Amazing, right?

I've been in the biggest sort of...RUT...with God for probably the last year!  Partially because I feel very disconnected not only from God but the church in general.  In the past, I think I have always felt connected by being involved.  Jack has been such a "high maitenance"...or should I say it positively..."SPIRITED"...child that we have issues leaving him in the nursery...he cries the entire time...(even though the ladies are great)...it's just been challenging.  It's not too hard bringing him into the service with us but there is no way I want to bring him into Sunday School.  I would love to become more involved with the POLOS group (Parents of Little Ones)...not only is it hard to jump into something new where you don't know as many people but, its hard to give up the church service to go to the Sunday School class and then figure out how to leave Jack in the nursery without him flipping out...Anyway, so yes...I feel kind of, in a huge rut.  I keep trying to figure how to pull out of it, how to become more connected to God.  I know, I can pray more, I can read the Bible more, I can become more involved at church.  But I also know God meets us where we're at sometimes...we don't have to DO more in order to be more loved or connected by God.  How come it seems hard then?  I think it comes back to this one issue for me again and again throughout my Spiritual journey.

So this has been on my mind...a lot.  And I realized, God loves me, you know?  But I'm not reaching out to him at all.  I hardly pray (John and I sometimes pray together at night when we think of it or dont fall asleep the minute our heads hit the pillow), I never read the Bible (I will occassionally read a morning devotional), we only make it to church half the time these days (so there goes the fellowship which is hugely important to me)...no matter what God is doing to reach me, I'm not doing anything to reach him.  So nothing short of a smack over the head could possibly catch my attention.  What if I just try to reach out, even just a little, maybe five minutes of prayer or five minutes of reading the Bible each day?  What would happen?  Will I feel more connected, closer to God? Like any relationship, if one person is closed off, no matter what the other person does, they're not going to get through.  Do I need to make myself more available to God?  I'll let you know how that goes!

Because the thing is, I MISS God.  I feel like, He isn't a big part of me right now.  I know he is there, but how come it always comes back to me feeling like there is some wall between me and Him?  I am focusing on this passage:

Matthew 7:7-12 (New Living Translation)

Effective Prayer

 ⁷ “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.  ⁹ “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? ¹⁰ Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! ¹¹ So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

Catch Up

Hi Everyone,

It's been so long!  I think I even lost two followers in my absence...maybe three. 

Where do I even begin?  I guess I'll dive right into what I've been thinking about over the past few days.

Parenthood is no easy thing!  And the funny thing is, when you have a newborn/infant, you think it is sooo hard.  You keep waiting for it to get easier.  In our case, Jack had problems with chronic kidney infections and ear infections (still dealing with the ear infections), so it was really more than just constant crying...in many ways, it did get easier.  But I think all along when I've been telling people, "Don't worry, it gets easier!"  Or all along when I've been thinking to myself, this is getting easier, I really was meaning to say and think, "This is so much more fun!" 

Because it does not get easier!  It gets harder!  My friend told me that when Jack was a newborn.  She said, "Yes, its hard, and it never gets easier!"  I was mad at her for saying that.  Now, I understand.  It actually gets harder in a lot of ways.  I officially have a "toddler" and he is quite good at manipulating us.  Every chance he gets he tries out a new whine or tantrum style...I do my best not to respond to those attempts because I worry he'll put one in his back pocket to use again and think, "This one's a keeper!"  He moves CON.STANT.LY.  When Jack is awake, he is NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER still.  He won't watch TV, he will hardly read a book (although, he is beginning to have much more interest in books), he won't just sit around with us...he is CONSTANTLY on the move.

Did I blog about the day he fell down the stairs?  Well the night before was awful, I was exhausted by all his wakings...when he woke up, we turned on the TV and he played while I watched TV.  I keep wondering, Did I forget I had a child for a couple minutes there?  B/c next thing I know, he's sprawled at the bottom of our stairs (only 6, but wood), crying.  Huge bruise on his forehead.  He had been practicing climbing stairs but had not quite mastered going down them...who knew you have to go backwards?  He didn't.  He has finally at 12 months mastered both up and down, I still have to watch him like a hawk though...because he likes to get on one stair, then start crawling across that stair length wise, and more than once I've had to catch him as he starts to fall.  He is a climber!  He is now trying to turn the knobs of the stove (gas)...he also empties my cabinets which is fine but he will freak if he can't turn the lid of a big pot to fit it out of the space.  He moves my furniture around.  I could keep going.  My point is, you can never ever relax b/c if you do, your kid may fall down the stairs and you'll feel awful.  Ironically, at his 1 yr appt, he wouldn't sit still.  Even the doctor commented on it (as he was trying to pull picture frames off the wall)...as he was crawling around, he fell to the side and sort of hit his head on the floor.  Well, Jack is always hitting his head...I don't know if its too big or what (99th percentile), but I was like, "Oh, shake it off kid!"  Well the nurse was like, oh no where did he hit?  Do you want me to bring ice? (I'm thinking, yeah RIGHT do you think he'll sit for me to put ice on his head????)  Then the doctor comes in and keeps checking it out.  I'm thinking, oh wow, you guys have nooooooooo idea.  Anyway, my friend was right, it never gets easier, but it does get a lot more fun.

We started a new daycare, it is AMMMMAAAAZING.  They threw a valentines day party for all the kids and each kid got to take home two balloons.  They threw him a birthday party (so cute, I'll post the video)...they work wit him on potty training, teach baby sign language, etc. etc.  I love it.  Jack does too.

He started walking...he took his first few steps at 10 1/2 months...at 12 months (exactly) he started really walking a lot more...and now at 12 1/2 months, he won't walk.  Whatever!  He demands to be carried...all 27 lbs 7 1/2 oz of him.

More later.

How's this to make you feel like you're a better mom than I am?

Check out the bruises on both sides of his head.  One he got at daycare (of course they say he got it at home but I KNOW I didn't drop him off with that bruise...).  Once that started to fade, he was trying to walk and went headfirst into the door frame.  I promise, I watch him so close and was standing right there!!!  But sometimes I'm not quick enough...I think he is so active he is bound to get bruised up...right???

Isn't it normal?

Hi.

Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi.  Ughhhhhhhhhhhh...It's Fridayyyyyyyyy!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

That's how I feel.  HAPPY!  But like, "Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

This is what happens when your daycare SUCKS.

Over the past couple weeks I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other back to the other back to the other.  Make up your mind, mind!  Begins when I find out my son had his diaper changed just once at daycare.  Husband goes to daycare on a Sunday evening to discuss, asks daycare to record diaper changes and meals.  Monday and Tuesday, daycare makes big effort.  I soften.  Begin to like daycare.  Begin to think daycare isn't so bad.  Begin to remember Jack is happy at this daycare and likes Z.  Begin to remember how convenient this daycare is. 

Fast forward a couple of days.  Wednesday.  Daycare stops recording diapers or meals.  Wow.  That lasted a long time (sarcasm).  I decide to send my own food for her to feed Jack.  Call me a control freak but I want to know what he is eating.  Diapers not a big deal b/c since I use cloth I can count how many were used each day.  Decide I do not need her recording diapers and food.  Fast forward a couple more days.  Friday.  I telework.  Pick Jack up to bring him with me to lunch.  Surprise daycare.  Z not there but her helper is.  (Her helper is sweet but does not speak much English.)  Helper rapidly whips the bottle out of Jack's sleeping lips.  I HATE BOTTLES IN CRIBS.  HATE IT.  Hate it even more when Jack has a double ear infection (like he does right now) because it is too easy for me to blame the double ear infection on daycare putting bottles in the cribs.  I have known she does this but I saw it with my own eyes today so...grrr.

Went to visit a new daycare who has NO SPOTS.  I could tell she didn't want me to come visit, since she has no spots, but I really wanted to meet her in case a spot opens.  I'm remaining hopeful because her daycare was AMAZING!  Its $100 less each week than Jack's current daycare...not that I even care about price at this point. Her entire upstairs is dedicated to her daycare.  She has a sleeping room with cribs.  She has a computer room where she teachers the older kids to type things like their names.  She uses sign language with them.  She has an outdoor playground.  She has an indoor playground room.  A kitchen dedicated solely to the daycare.  Cubby's for each kids stuff.  It's a school!  An in-home daycare school!  I loved it!  She has a room that she calls her office where she plans the lessons and activities for all the kids the next day.  She is AMAZING.  AMAZING!!! FA LA LA LA LAAAAAA!!!  So I asked if she could suggest another daycare who she thinks is as good...she gave me a name.  I called and left a message...am hoping they have a spot.

But this is probably boring for you to read about. 

My husband tells me I always have something I am fixated on.  Maybe its something at work. Maybe its him needing an ADHD Coach (HAHA...it worked though)...And now its daycare.  But isn't it normal?  It's okay to have one thing you're focused on at all times, right?  It's better than having multiple things you're focused on.  I focus on something, fix whatever the problem is, and then move on.  :)

Goodnesssssssssss......

I could use everyone's prayers.  We need to make sure our next daycare is a KEEPER.  We will be using a daycare CENTER and I want to make sure we pick the right one.  The last thing I want to is switch Jack again.  I dont want to switch him now and I dont want to switch him again.  I dont even think I could.  He is not an adaptable kid, that's for sure.  So, prayers for us as we try to pick a new place!

THANK YOU!

Daycare SUCKS.

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  (Remember that book?  Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day)

So if you read my blog, you know by now that I am constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY, torn about whether I should be working or staying at home with Jack.  I'll reach a place where I feel at peace with my decision and it might last a month before I'm thrown for a loop again and its all over.  I may be thrown for a loop when Jack gets sick, or someone makes a comment I take personally, or DAYCARE ISSUES.  DAYCARE ISSUES SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John has been travelling in San Francisco all week and I haven't been able to talk to him much because of the time difference.  His flight gets in tonight at 1:30 AM...I will be so happy to have him home.  He does so much to help that I apparently take for granted...I'm just completely pooped.  But, speaking of poop...

John typically drops Jack off at daycare around 7:00 or 7:15 AM.  I pick Jack up at 4:00 pm.  Since John is out of town, I dropped Jack off at daycare in the morning, my mother in law picked Jack up for me in the afternoon so I could stay late at work to make up the time.  So I got home yesterday and Mary Ellen, my mother-in-law, happened to mention in passing that Jack seemed happy when she picked him up but he was pretty mad when Z was changing his diaper.  This is an important fact to remember...Z changing his diaper at 4:00 pm.

I use cloth diapers so I know how often he is changed b/c all the used diapers come back to me tied in a wet bag.  Each night I take out the wetbag from the diaper pail and throw it in the diaper pail until I'm ready to wash the diapers.  I don't use cloth diapers for the purpose of keeping track of how often he is changed, but it does allow me to do so. 

Well, Jack seems to have a constant diaper rash.  If its not a full fledged rash, its just red and irritated.  I kept thinking he must just have very sensitive skin.  Well, yesterday evening I was changing his diaper and thought to myself, jeez...diaper rash again.  I told myself to check the wet bag to see how many diapers Z had used that day.  I was just curious.  I forgot to check last night but this morning, I checked real quick right before I loaded Jack in the car to bring him to daycare.  To my dismay, there was only ONE dirty diaper in the bag.  Z had only changed him ONE time, the entire day, at 4:00 pm.  Meaning, Jack had not been changed one time from when I had changed him around 6:45 AM, til 4:00 pm when my mother in law picked him up.  That is just neglectful!  We have had to address this issue with Z before...but its never been this bad.  It was one time pretty bad but she was VERY apologetic and seemed to have a legitimate excuse that worked for me.  But I can't tolerate this.  I am not very confrontational, although I'm sure John would disagree ;).  But I have to make sure my son is taken care of.  So when I dropped him off, I very nicely said, "Z, could you change Jack at least three times today?  You know, b/c of diaper rash and stuff?"  She said, "The diaper rash is b/c of you."  I said, "You only changed him once yesterday."  She said, "He didn't have diaper rash yesterday."  I said, "I don't care about diaper rash.  I don't want him sitting in a wet diaper all day."  She said, "Okay"...but I was upset that she is actually trying to blame me for diaper rash.  I CHANGE HIS DIAPER.  Gah!

So since John is out of town, I can't talk to him...it was something like 4:00 AM in San Fransisco when this was happening.  My poor, poor co-workers.  They had to listen to me go on and on all day, crying off and on.  ugh.  So I text my friend, who upon my recommendation, had moved her son to Z's daycare two weeks ago.  I said, "I'm disturbed b/c Z only changed Jack once yesterday."  She responded by saying last week when her husband picked up her 18 month old, her son hadn't been changed at all, the entire day.  She knows that b/c she had brought him to a doctors appointment that morning and had used one of the doctors diapers, which are different than hers.  That's how she knew he hadn't been changed.

There is a 2 1/2 year old at daycare named Cash.  He is a bully!  He hits Jack (he even hits me sometimes).  When I picked up Jack the other day, he pushed my friends son, TWICE!  Luckily, her son is very easy going but I said, "Wow, Cash is mean."  Z has said he only does this when I'm there which may be the case but, still...  Z responded, "That's just how boys are."  I said, "No, it isn't."  She knew this bothered me so she said a couple days later that she had "talked" to Cash about the hitting.  I'm sure that a "talk" is effective with a two year old.  (NOT) So this was already a concern of mine and the diaper issue is just...too much.

John says we should talk to her, get her on some sort of system...I think he actually used the words "help her with process improvement."  Oh John, that's endearing.  But NO...that's not going to work.  I should never have to ever address diaper changing...you are a DAYCARE PROVIDER.  CHANGE THE DIAPERS.  I was talking to my sister in law, Whitney.  She said..."WHAT!  That's neglectful!  You pay her to keep him safe and clean!"  I was like, you're right!  It already bothered me that every day his face is dirty with dried up food but I never saw that as a deal breaker...I'd just clean him up when I got home.  But you know, I don't think he is probably comfortable with food all over his face, just like I wouldn't be.  So keep his face clean, keep his diaper clean, don't neglect your kids.

My friend and I decided we will try taking the daycare center route.  This is the second in-home daycare for both of us.  We called around and think we MIGHT have an answer...this place won't have a spot for Jack until February but I don't mind leaving him with Z until then and just knowing I'll have to stay all over her to make sure she does these basic fundamental daycare tasks.  GRRRR....I'm so mad about this. 

Also, I really feel like I'm a bad mom.  Having to move Jack for the THIRD TIME since apparently I am AWFUL at picking a good daycare.  Ugh.  Horrible.

Making things easier...Part Deux

First of all, before we get started here, if you're reading this...please click the "follow" button.  I really love collecting followers.  There is a new feature on blogger now where I can track how many people read my blog on a given day.  Last time I posted, over 50 people read my blog that day...but I only have 47 followers...and I know not all of my actual followers read...which means I could potentially have more.  So please, follow me!!!

I wrote about my freezer meals in the last post.  I got a lot of good feedback about the post.  Immediately after I posted, a friend emailed saying she had read my  blog and is very interested in starting a "cooking co-op".  So we did!  The first swap meeting is mid-January.  We both did a lot of googling and research and came up with what we think are very thorough "Guidelines/Procedures".  Because I want to spread the JOY of simplifying life and enjoying the day-to-day as much as possible, I'd like to share our google doc showing how we will be operating so you can start a co-op if you want!  If you'd like more details, let me know and I'd be happy to share.  I'll keep you posted with how it goes.  Here are our guidelines:

Freezer Meal Cooking Co-Op Guidelines and Procedures

What I'd like to discuss today in this post is the "Harris Teeter Express Lane".  This has been equally critical in my attempt to make things easier and life more enjoyable.  I've tried Peapod (which actually delivers to your home for about $8 plus tip, depending on location) but HT Express Lane far surpasses the other services, in my opinion.  Let me show you a letter I wrote to their corporate office, so that I don't have to retype why I loveeeeeeee HT....

...Pause...

...Shoot, I can't find what I wrote to them.  Well I basically I went on and on about how their service has really been a life changer.  It's so convenient, the service is fantastic...I love that they offer this service and not only do I get convenience, I don't have to sacrifice quality.  Everything available in the store is available online.  Produce is carefully selected and always excellent.  Even the way they put everything in the bags makes me feel happy when I unpack.

And their response to my email:

Dear Lauren:

What a nice email! We're thrilled to hear from our customers who've had a great experience in our store. We'll definitely pass along your comments to our senior management and make sure that our Home Shoppers get special recognition for providing great service.

Thanks for your praise...and for shopping at Harris Teeter!
Sincerely,
Tom
Harris Teeter Customer Relations

Ever since I wrote that email, whenever I pick up groceries, whoever puts the groceries in my trunk thanks me for writing the "sweet" email and asks how old my son is, etc.  (The email explained that once I had a baby, grocery shopping became much harder...plus, who wants to give up a couple hours a week with your kids so you can  go grocery shopping?  Not me!  Also, I'm usually just plain exhausted.)

So, what is Harris Teeter Express Lane?  Express Lane is simply a service where you order your groceries online.  The website is EASY!  After you place your order, it takes them about 3-4 hours (sometimes about an hour!) to assign a personal shopper to your order and prepare your order.  This service is available seven days a week.  When your order has been prepared, they call AND email  you when your order is ready.  If you ordered a generic brand and they are out of generic, they will give you the name brand for the same price.  When you order, you can specify if substitutions are okay.  When they call you to tell you the order has been completed, they run through your order if there were any items they were out of.  Its very rare for them to be out of an item but every so often there will be an item or two they substitute with a different brand, as long as it is okay with you.  When your order is complete, you drive to the store, pull up into a specified parking spot, push an intercom button, let them know you're waiting, and they come out with your groceries.  The cost of this service is $4.95.  WORTH EVERY PENNY.  I'm forced to sit down and plan my meals for the week  before I order online.    Otherwise, I don't plan and IF I'm lucky enough to get dinner on the table at all, I will have to run to the store what seems like every night.  All of this is a big pain and it takes time away from Jack and John.  In addition, I'm sure we all splurge on $4.95 worth of stuff when we go into the store...magazines, junk food...whatever.  So this $4.95 fee is really nothing.  Now, not ALL Harris Teeter locations offer this service so let me show you the steps you need to take.

Step 1:  Go to http://www.harristeeter.com/, click "Home Shopping Express Lane", select your state, and check out which location you will be using.

Step 2:  Click the location most convenient to you, click "Proceed to Store", click "Sign In" and then click "Create Account".  Make sure you sign up for a VIC card so you can get all the specials.  Once you have registered, log in...

Step 3:  Start Shopping.  You can shop in several ways...I usually have written out my list so type in the search bar what I'm looking for.  For example, Baby Food.  Type in "Baby Food" and click "Go".  I select "Cereals and Snacks"

I select how I want to sort the results.  I select "Specials" and it brings up a list of all the Cereals and Snacks that are on sale. 

I select the one I want and you can see that I can use the arrow to increase or decrease quantity.

When you are finished shopping, click "Checkout".  It allows you to review your order once more, click "checkout" one more time.  Now, you're at the screen where you can specify the date and time you will be picking up your order. 

Here is the final screen where you will place your order.

That's that!  Try it out!

Believe it or not, as I typed this, the mailman came.  I went up to get the mail and make the dogs start barking (ugh) and I had a Christmas Card from harris Teeter with a coupon for $5 off my next order.  Nice!



Making things easier...

Working moms (or any type of moms) have to find tricks to simplify life in order to juggle the day-to-day.  I'll talk more about the tricks I've discovered and use in future posts.  Today, I will talk about the trick that has made the biggest improvement in our life...nightly meals.  Up until about a month ago, I just could not get that together.  I would pick up Jack from daycare every afternoon at 4:00 and from then on, it felt like a race to the finish line (bedtime).  Late afternoon is Jack's crankiest time of day and he pretty much demands undivided attention and a lot of entertaining!!!  My mom told me that I should put him in the highchair and cook dinner after work but...that does not work.  A neighbor happened to offer me a freezer they had laying around...this is what sparked the idea in my head to begin cooking on weekends.  I accepted their offer...only, the freezer did not work.  I had Sears come out to repair it...the repair would cost $300!!!  I posted the freezer on Craigslist and gave it away for free to someone who could fix it themselves.  I then invested in an upright freezer for the garage.  It was about $400.  Worth every penny!

I started a new routine.  It goes like this: 

Friday night:  Order my groceries from Harris Teeter
Saturday morning:  John watches Jack, I Pick up groceries from Harris Teeter (more about this trick later) and make a quick Costco run if needed.  This is typically during Jack's nap so I do not miss much with him.
Sunday:  Begin cooking during Jack's naptime and after Jack goes to bed.  Freeze meals for the week ahead.

The first couple of weeks I did a lot of extra cooking even on weekday evenings after Jack was asleep to build up a stash of meals.  This was an AMAZING feeling!!!  My new routine allowed me to have dinner on the table every night...not just Five Guys or Pizza but a nutritious and delicious (hopefully) meal.  Usually, you will need to supplement your frozen meal with a salad.  You might try making a huge salad on Sunday night that you can eat throughout the week.  I also buy the "Steamers" when they're on sale at the grocery store.  You can just pop this bag of vegetables in the microwave for five minutes and Voila!, you have your vegetables and a balanced meal.

The nice thing about having this nightly routine is that...new routines can then be tacked on to this routine.  John has started going to the gym after Jack is in bed while I sometimes do extra cooking.  When your life lacks these basic routines, it can feel pretty out of control.  You may feel like you have no "grounding"...I felt like I was just making it through every day and collapsing into bed at the end...then, not even feeling very good about how it went.  This nightly routine has given me something to hold onto...and I feel a sense of MAJOR accomplishment, "Yes, I did that...we had dinner, ate healthy, can have leftovers for our lunch tomorrow."  We spend less on going out to dinner and buying lunches.  I also think it's important that Jack can be part of our nightly meal and it gives us family time.
After a few weeks of cooking, I ran out of ideas on meals to make that are freezer friendly.  I ordered two cookbooks on Amazon.com for freezer meals.  I'm not a big believer in cookbooks with websites out there like http://www.myrecipes.com/ and http://www.allrecipes.com/ but it is hard to find freezer meals on those sites.  Then, you have to adapt the meal yourself to double or tripple it...often it does not turn out quite how you like it when you do that.  I am going to tell you about the cookbook I like the best, first.  Once I work with this cookbook for awhile, I'll move on to the next.

The book is called "Fix, Freeze, Feast" by Kati Neville and Lindsay Tkacsik.  So far, there are many many things I love about this cookbook.  I will highlight a few of those and as I begin experimenting with the recipes, I'll continue to let you know how it is.  I'll then move on to the next cookbook. 
Here are some Fix, Freeze and Feast highlights.

1.  I love the binding on this book...it is satisfying to hold and read...very unique.  I know, this is a strange "highlight" but I do love it.

2.  Designed for people who shop at the "Warehouse" clubs.  Costco!  You know when you go to Costco and buy a "tray" of beef...it's usually 4-6 pounds and you split up the meat into 1 lb portions and freeze those?  (That is what I do.)  Or, you run out of time to do that and throw the whole thing in the freezer and end up with a solid brick of beef...6 pounds worth?  Well this cookbook uses the entire tray of beef for each recipe.  For example, one of the beef recipes is "Cheese Chilada Bake".  The first ingredient is one tray of beef (about 6 lbs).  The recipe makes four entrees, 8 servings each.  So you will be able to freeze four meals after cooking this recipe...or eat one that night, and freeze the other three!  Or give one to a neighbor, make their day, and freeze the remaining three.  They have created their recipes based on the large packages of meat from warehouse clubs.  Genius!

3.  I love the book's intro.  It outlines EVERYTHING you need to know to get started.  And it makes you excited to do it!  It discusses the basics of make-ahead meals, how to get organized with your shopping list, how to select ingredients/ingredient substitutes, how to shop, how to set up your kitchen before your cooking session to make it painless, how to prep your ingredients, how to put it all together, how to correct mistakes (like measuring an ingredient incorrectly, forgetting an ingredient, buying the wrong meat, finding something too salty, etc)...and a lot more helpful information is included as well.

4.  In the back of the book you will find an appendix...the appendix contains sample labels for your convenience!  You can photocopy these and tape them to your freezer containers...they are printed with baking instructions, times and temps.  Very similar to those you use at those meal preparation kitchens like "Let's Dish" or "Dinner Done"...

5.  The appendix also lists resources that include helpful websites, books, magazines, etc.  It also talks about community cooking options like a cooking club or a cooking co-op (which I may consider joining/starting).

So these are a few highlights of this new book I am beginning ("Fix, Freeze, Feast" by Kati Neville and Lindsay Tkacsik.).  I will let you know how the journey goes.  This weekend, I'll discuss how I've learned to simplify grocery shopping and make that a routine and easy part of my weekly life.

Long Day...

Jack has had a fever for 7 days now.  Started low and progressively gotten worse.  This morning at 103.3.  This is not normal!  They checked and no ear infection (took  him to doctor yesterday).  They sent off for a urine culture and I have a sinking feeling that this is another kidney infection.  I worry about the kidney infections and I worry about the constant antibiotics he has had to take because of them.  Then I worry about the C.Diff coming back b/c of the antibiotics and question myself everytime he cries wondering if that is now an issue.

These are the days it is hard to work.  Its hard to come to work, hard to be at work, and hard to focus at work.  I called the nurse this morning at 9:00 to tell her about this fever and still have not heard back.  Of course, she did call me back the one time I left my desk and now am still waiting...I am so frustrated.  John is staying home with Jack today, I stayed home with him yesterday and I'll probably stay home with him tomorrow.

The end of an era...

I quit pumping at work!!!  Jack is exactly nine months old.  I wanted to do this until he was 12 months.  He only had one ounce of formula when he was a day old and since then, had no formula.  I tested it out last week and it seems like he has no preference of breastmilk or formula.  So I thought, I'm going to stop pumping at work...and will continue to nurse him morning and evening.  Well, in one week, it seems my supply has totally adjusted to me not pumping during the day and I'm worried my supply will drop to the point it's not enough for him to nurse in the morning and evening.  All of the sudden, I'm very sad about it.  I also feel guilty about it.  Like I'm falling short, not making it to the one year mark.  It's been so tedious pumping twice every day at work.  And going to work with no pump bag in hand is a great feeling!  Freeeedom!  But today I  brought the pump again and thought, maybe I'll just pump once a day at least for another month...to ensure my body will continue to make enough for the morning and evening pump.  That will bring me to 10 months.  Then maybe my supply will stay up to get him to 11 months of morning/evening nurse and formula during the day.  Luckily, Jack isn't a picky kid.  He'll go to sleep just fine without nursing.  But I do think he likes the cuddle time...I know I do!!!!!!!!!  I'll really miss it. 

The other strange feeling is...well, I really don't like the baby stage very much.  I love JACK (so much sometimes its painful!), but I keep thinking, wow I'm going to love it when he's a "kid" and can talk to me, let me know what he's feeling, etc.  But this end of an era...the end of breast feeding...I just feel like...where is the time going!  It's too fast.  Before I know it, he's going to be getting married and I'll have to call him all the time to get him to remember me.  Okay, I'm getting way ahead of myself.  I just hope I'm not missing too much of this time...

Anyway, those are my thoughts today.  I'm sure it will continue to go round and round in my head until I feel I have some peace about the situation.  Not sure what to do about the BFing (Breast Feeding).

Better take care of my jewelry better!

This is nasty---I need to start taking better care of my jewelry:

http://jezebel.com/5688752/jewelry-is-a-filthy-poisonous-business

"The Juggle"

Thought-inspiring article from The Wall Street Journal blog, "The Juggle"

When Ambition and Reality Collide

What are your thoughts after reading this?  It took me over eight months but I realize that for the first time, I feel confident and good about my decision to be a full time working mom.  Constantly feeling conflicted about the decision was a huge weight on my shoulders...this article brings back some of my questions regarding if I am doing the right or wrong thing...

I do like working, Jack does like daycare.  A part time schedule would be nice but at this point in my life/career, its not the right time for that.

Lie Lie Lie

Hullo!

I'm so tired I am dilerious.  I had a hair appointment tonight (first haircut in 3-4 months) and after I needed to run by the grocery store to get Jack's prescription filled.  (Also, John had a hankering for ice cream and I told him I'd pick some up).  It was 8 pm and I sat in the parking lot before stepping out of the car just feeling...bleh!  Rubbing my eyes trying to gain some sort of...I don't know...normal feelings.  I hate it when I'm so tired that I am not really even aware of the people around me.  I remember this kid doing some strange dance in front of the security cameras coming into the store as I was leaving.  And this manager telling one of the employees she is so sorry she forgot about her.  You know when you just have these small glimpses but are just...out of it.  That's how I feel!  I didn't even know what the shampoo girl looked like until I had to look at her because she started going on and on about how Halloween is her favorite holiday of the year...more than her birthday even.  Anyway, I'm tired.  WHY am I tired? BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So he has had his share of health issues.  Three kidney infections, C. Diff, two ear infections, colds, yada yada.  I've gotten used to responding to everything with him...because of course, if he's sick, than that's what I'm goin to do! But now, oh WOW.  He loves sleeping in my bed.  Seriously!  He stretches out like a king with almost a grin on his face. So I got in this bad habit of bringing him into bed with us when he wakes up and I want to sleep...so much easier than dealing with his waking up all night.  I may have created a monster...not sure.  He wakes up soooooooooooooo much.  WOAH.  And he wants to be in our bed!  I had to take him to the pediatrician today for a follow up appt after his most recent kidney infection.  She said that first of all, around the nine month mark, they do tend to regress with sleep...they become more aware of the world around them.  But that we need to just pick a time, gut up and get Jack to stop associating MY BED (ME) with sleep.  Ugh.  Again?  We've had to do this before too.  It works quickly but its hard!  So tonight John is in charge.  When Jack wakes up, John has to basically go in and say, Hi Jack...its 1:30 AM...go to sleep.  Goodnight.  Something like that.  Something to let Jack know we're there but not playing.  As the doctor is telling me this, Jack is throwing his normal fits.  He's gotten pretty cranky lately b/c he is not really sleeping anymore...she pointed out I need sleep to be best for him and he needs sleep too!  And it's true.  So that's it...no more!  He has to learn.  I know everyone has their differing opinions on sleep methods but at the end of the day, it really does come down to you, your kid, your family and what works best.  I just can't go on anymore with so little sleep.  Over the weekend he was waking up every hour on the hour until I brought him into my bed.  My sleep method is to do what works, be consistent, and then lie to everyone who disagrees with  me?  You believe in co-sleeping and baby wearing?  ME TOO!  You believe in  Cry-it-out?  ME TOO!  You believe in whatever?  ME TOO!  I honestly don't care b/c I  hate hearing peoples opinions.  I'm too tired to have a discussion with anyone about their opinion. BAH!  I'm tired.  Going to sleep.  If you disagree with me, then lie.  Or else...we're not friends anymore.  HAHAHA.  Kidding kind of.  This is what sleep deprivation can do to a person!  I can't even carry a conversation and my tooth hurts so now I'm worried I have something wrong with my teeth.  GOODNIGHT!

Making Friends...

I find this blog so inspiring: http://revmomma.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-friends.html

The writer is a pastor at my church...and I love the authenticity.  Reading Beth's blog is almost therapeutic...to read someone else's thoughts and realize...I'm not alone.  It's nice!

So tonight, I'm writing a post on her blog post.  Hopefully this is okay...

Her post spurred several thoughts...

I'm ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS, very conflicted on the SAHM (Stay at home mom) vs. WM (Working mom) decision.  I know myself.  I enjoy working.  I've always enjoyed working.  So I generally enjoy going to work, being around coworkers, feeling a sense of accomplishment, making money, spending money...but I can't stop thinking about how many hours I'm away from my son.  John drops him at daycare at 7:15, I pick him up at 4:00.  It's especially hard after a weekend of being with Jack 24/7.  And realizing that, while my days sometimes seem to go relatively fast, it's actually a long time that I'm away from him. What is he doing and how is he feeling during that time?  He does love his daycare but...still.  So then I start thinking, maybe I should ask if I can work part time?  Or maybe I should not work at all?  I dont know if I'd be happy not working at all.  And ideally I'd like to wait a couple of years to work part time...but am I doing the wrong thing by working full time?  Am I doing a disservice to Jack?  Am I going to really regret this later and wish I could rewind time?  I'm just full of doubt and guilt.  Lots of neighbors around here are stay at home moms and I can't help but feel bad around them.  I'm sensitive to the issue so sometimes even well-meaning comments sting a little.  So with all that said, it seems impossible to know what I should do.  Lately I've been wondering how I can actually keep it all together at this point...making sure we have food in the house, dinners, clean house, time with John, time with Jack...and forget about doing anything that's just for myself.  I spend a fraction of the time I used to with friends.  But this is just life as a working mom.  Not even SAHMs will understand that.  As a working mom, you're away from your kid(s) so much already that you just cannot then come home and do anything with other people and spend even more time away from him.  And since Jack is a SUPER active kid and NOT a napper, I dont even have 2 or 3 hour blocks on weekends to fit things in.  This is just life!  And I do love it (I think)!  But am I doing the right thing?

So Beth's thoughts on friends being hard to make as an adult I totally get. I feel like I make friends easily but I think thats why its been a huge adjustment as a mom...I have no time.  So what do I do with the friends once I make the connection?  I dont have time to do anything.  And then there is that division:  SAHM vs. WM.  It really is different.  Working moms may not understand the challenges of staying at home and I know that I dont think SAHM's understand the challenges of being a working mom...well, some do. 

So those were my thoughts.  And basically, since becoming a mom, I never feel like I totally know my niche.  What am I supposed to do?  What does God want me to do?  What is best for my son, for my family?  There is no clear cut answer!  And regarding God and my faith...I feel like it's almost non-existant and I have no clue how to get it back.  It's like I am so focused on just getting through the day successfully that I've really neglected my spiritual life.  It's been that way for awhile though...even before Jack. 

Anyway, I'm done!  Jack has ANOTHER kidney infection.  I asked the doctor, am I doing something wrong?  She said, no.  There is nothing you can do.  We've done all the tests.  EVerything is "normal".  We did a surgery that was supposed to take care of this but it didn't.  Turns out he is just very prone to these and so now he'll stay on antibiotics for the next 6-12 months, or until he grows out of this (hopefully he does).  It's stressful.  I have to admit I'm sort of proud of myself for being able to work while managing his health issues over the past 8 months b/c that has taken a ton of time.  Started off with him being just plain colicky/refluxy...Three kidney infections, C. Diff, 2 ear infections, and 2 colds later I sometimes feel like I've been to hell and back over the past 8 months.  I have NO LEAVE.  And I feel like I haven't done a good job at work.  But oh well!  I'm glad to have resolved this latest kidney infection.  He went to doctor two days in a row for two shots of a strong antibiotic in each leg.  So of course he has major diarreah.  I was trying to let him air out when I got home from work today with no diaper but that was a very bad idea for obvious reasons...which reminds me, I must go clean!

Depressing...

As I sit here and watch the Sex and the City movie on HBO (Am I paying for HBO? I had no idea I had these channels.), I am thinking.


I just returned from Denver today. I was there this week for a work conference. I was on the conference planning team for the past year…for the past six months, I’ve dreaded this conference. I mean, DREADED it. Jack turned six months on Monday. Hence why for six months, I’ve dreaded leaving. Two weeks before the conference, I was asked to be the “Master of Ceremonies” for the conference. What is worse than dreading? Whatever it is, that’s what I did. Master of Ceremonies? Who…ME?! ? WHY!!! Prior to knowing I was the MC of the conference, I was making myself feel better about the trip thinking…I need to be positive. You know…for six months, I haven’t had one second to myself. I haven’t done anything just…for me. This would be my time! I could sleep in, I could watch movies on TV, I could go out each night with friends/coworkers…this could be a great time. As I sat in front of my boss, watching the words fall out of her mouth, asking me to be the MC, my dreams of relaxation were dashed as I envisioned myself in front of 240 people from across the country.

In the end, the MC experience was a great one. I got very positive feedback and think I did a pretty good job. It took my mind off of being away from Jack and John and I really enjoyed it. I loved being in front of everyone, meeting new people and feeling like I was doing something that added to the conference. On the last night, which was last night, I treated myself to a new pair of Ray Ban sunglasses. These:

So now, let’s talk about Denver…Ew! I don’t like that city! So many young, edgy, aggressive, druggie, homeless people…everywhere! And I saw something that really disturbed me. REALLY disturbed me. My stomach still turns as I think about it. I hope it soon fades from my memory but right now, it’s imprinted on my brain. It’s about 10:00 pm. A bunch of friends/coworkers and I are walking back to the hotel from dinner. It’s a GORGEOUS summer night, with no humidity. A crowd is gathered around an artist who is using spray paint to create art. I approach the crowd to get a better view and notice a baby (maybe one year old) in a stroller. I notice babies so much now…never did before. My first thought is, this poor baby should be at home in bed. I really feel sorry for babies who get dragged around by their parents, don’t get the sleep they need…you know how you feel when you don’t get the sleep you need. My second thought is, Wow these fumes are strong. This baby should not be inhaling these fumes. And then I see the dad. A strung- out homeless druggie with missing teeth. He’s telling the baby she better stop crying or he’ll lock her in the stroller. He takes her out of the stroller and starts kind of shaking her (not violently) saying, “What’s the matter! What’s the matter!” Not in a gentle nurturing voice…more of a yell…like a “shut up” tone. I see tears running down the babies face and my heart literally broke at that moment. I’m thinking, “Let me tell you what’s the matter. It’s 10:00. She needs to be at home in bed. Not out here around a bunch of your homeless friends, also on drugs, inhaling paint fumes while you sit here and yell at her telling her to stop crying or you’ll lock her in the stroller.” This kid…she has no chance. All the cards are stacked against her. As I write this, my stomach just feels sick. I wish I could erase the memory. As we continued to walk back to the hotel, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I thought, I wish I could help people like this. Then I thought, I could never have a job where I had to help these people…b/c I can’t get it out of my head. It just breaks my HEART. I feel sick. And I would never be able to function. I have to pretend that stuff does not exist. But when you see that stuff, it smacks you in the face, that for tons of children in this world, it DOES exist. They have no support, no one to answer their cries, no one to give them a hug, no one to tuck them into bed to make sure they get the sleep they need…all they have is parents on drugs who don’t answer any of their needs and just tell them if they don’t stop crying they’ll lock them in the stroller. Makes me sick. Literally. The only positive that came of this is…it alleviated some of the guilt I feel for having let Jack “cry it out” very early on when I had to teach him he needed to sleep apart from me. I thought, Jack has it pretty darn good compared to millions of children out there. I wish I could have taken that little girl home with me.

Aside from that, life is good. I’m struggling to achieve balance, still. But I’m sure that will come in time. Jack is absolutely adorable. He is just…awesome. I was so happy to get home to him today. In a way, I’m happy John and Jack had the chance to hang out this week, just the two of them. I’m happy Jack had time to bond with his aunt (Maggie) and both grandmas. They all came over to lend John a hand. But I missed him like crazy!!!

The Angry Mom Blog

Someone said I should title my blog "The Angry Mom Blog" since I tend to only write it in when something is bothering me.

It's been too long.  I miss you blog!!!  I was thinking of taking a creative writing class...maybe something online...then I was like, why not just write in my blog? 

Where do I BEGIN?

Let's see...I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out who the new "me" is.  What I mean is, I'm having an identity crisis!  I've always been somewhat of an "all or nothing" person meaning I do what I do really well or don't do it at all.  I'm finding that as a mom, that's impossible.  I can't be a superstar at work because well, frankly, I'm not willing to work a minute past 3:30.  My hours are from 7:00 am - 3:30 pm.  Jack's had some pretty big health issues (they seem big to me anyway) over the past five months and I've had to take a lot of time off work.  So I don't feel like a success at work.  At the same time, I don't feel like a success as a mom.  How am I a success?  I only see my son 2 hours each day before he goes to bed for the night.  I also feel like a failure as a friend...because I really can't do anything anymore.  I work full time and so the time I'm not working, I want and need to spend it with the fam.  So I feel just like...a failure.  This is dramatic and probably a very negative way of looking at it.  But I'm sure it will get better...I hope.

In other news, Jack is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!  After two kidney infections, C. Diff, ear infections, reflux, colds, yada yada yada...he is finally feeling GOOD and just so cute and adorable and HAPPY.  Oh and for all you with easy babies, stop saying, "Oh my baby is so happy!"  GUHHHHHHHHHH that is so annoying to me.  Jack is NOT easy and pretty...tempermental...but I like to think he is so happy even though not easy.  I'm going to start saying, "Oh my baby is so SMART."  Difficult babies must be smart ;)

K I'm done.

Tired

First, I want to post a picture of Sarah, Bastian, Jack and me.  (Sorry if my grammar is wrong in that sentence...I always hate it when people say for example, "John and me went to the grocery store..." instead of "John and I went to the grocery store."  Would you say, "ME went to the grocery store?"  No...NO you wouldn't!  So why would you say "So-and-so and ME went/did/whatever anything!"  Ahh I HATE that!  Anyway I digress...)

Sarah and I went walkng the other day...we'd been meaning to get pictures of us and the BOB's for awhile...we finally did!  I had to get the Cutco knife representative I'd been suckered into letting come over to take the picture for us since John wasn't home.  I also had to whip out a boob and feed Jack in the middle of her presentation.  Just kidding...I used the Hooter Hider.  But I did acknowledge to her that it was probably a strange presentation for her...and I did buy knives.  So hopefully she thought it was worth it.  Here are the pics...I look terrible but they are cute, nonetheless.  Jack and Bastian have both graduated from the infant car seat adapter!

I'm having a rough day.  I'm exhausted...last night we went to dinner and even though we tried to get home before Jack's bedtime and with enough time to go through the routine, it took Jack out of his normal routine and he was extremely difficult.  Because he got to bed maybe 15 minutes later than he ever does (8:15), he didn't sleep as well as he normally does and woke up earlier than he usually does (5:00 AM).  I know I'm lucky to have a baby that sleeps so long but I'M STILL GOING TO COMPLAIN!!!!!!!  Please don't say, "Oh wow you're lucky! Who cares that Jack doesn't sleep well during the day?"  I DO, okay!?!  I care.  It's completely exhausting.  I'm caring more and more with each day that passes.  Way back when, when Jack was two weeks old, I had to let him cry one night so that he would learn to sleep in the crib.  It really only took that one night...sometimes I still feel guilty about ever letting him "cry it out" but I had to, I was about to fall apart and I didn't want his first word to be the F word which he was hearing a lot of since he would only sleep on my chest and was waking up like every HOUR.  (I don't promote cussing...just sayin...I was hardly hanging on.)  Well, during the days I felt like I should roll with the punches.  And the doctor said that until  he were four months old, try to just deal with it during the day.  Which I totally did.  But now, I seriously am about to freak OUT.  Its like, JACK...what the #(*&#(&@????  What is this about?  He wakes up after 30-45 minutes of each nap and then needs to go down again after another hour.  We can't go ANYWHERE.  If we do, he wont sleep and is a mess.  I want a routine!  Where is the routine?  I write down everything he does and then study it, searching desperately for any sign that a routine may be emerging.  But no!  I never see the signs.  He still SUCKS at naps and I'm going crazy!  I can't deal with his CONSTANT fussing all day long, since he is never really fully rested except for first thing in the morning after his 10-11 hour sleep that night.  I'm trying to tell Jack he is looking less and less cute the longer this goes on but he doesn't seem to care?  So he is over four months old now and that's when they say you may need to let the babies cry a little more...but I just can't do it...and believe it or not...he really knows how to get me to jump.  My mom made me wait three minutes before I'd respond to him freaking out one day.  He was just sitting there on my lap and started freakin b/c my mom and I were having a conversation, and not focused on only him.  He DEMANDS attention and just lost it.  So I started entertaining him and doing what I do and my mom said, NO...do not respond to this...I'm setting my watch for three minutes and you have to have a conversation with me while he cries...don't even look at him.  I was like, I can't doooooooooooo itttttttttttt!!!  But I tried and two minutes later, less than three, he quit crying so I started paying attention to him again.  But I feel like I'm getting bossed around by this little guy!  My mom said when I was little, after a meltdown at the pediatrician, the doctor told her to read the book by Dobson on how to raise a strong willed child.  And I really think I have a mini-version of myself on my hands.  John was like, why...WHYYYYYYYY?????  We're so exhausted...today was a long day.  We wanted to go to the farmers market but didn't even make it out of the neighborhood...Jack had already started crying and I couldn't take it anymore.  We pulled a u-turn and went back home.  Anyway, just had to vent.

More to write but I'm too tired. 

Definition of Success

Today at work we had  this conference...and there was a motivational speaker.  He was pretty much your typical motivational speaker, speaking about the typical motivational speaker stuff.  He had everyone write down their definition of success and their definition of balance. I started feeling like, well I dont know what I define as success now.  In a way, I don't feel like a success at work and I don't feel like a success as a mom b/c I'm not doing either of them 100%.  At work, I can't really chase down any career aspirations b/c I want to keep a lower stress job that is more conducive to being a mother.  But at home, I am only home with Jack for 3-4 hours before he goes to bed each night during the week.  That's hardly being a really great mother.  So is it better to be not very good at anything you do or give up something so you can focus on one area of your life?  I don't know...but it sort of put me in a bad mood!

I also decided, I'm not going to this conference early.  No way!  I'll go when everyone else goes.  Originally the team lead wanted me there early to help set up...but I'll tell her to find someone else from our team to help.  Jack is getting to the point where he really prefers me (very satisfying haha!) and I want to be with him as much as I can.

I called the advice nurse tonigh b/c sometimes I wonder why Jack will wake up from an occasional nap screaming bloody murder...he goes from sleeping to screaming.  MOST naps he wakes up and just gives out a little cry to let me know he's awake and ready for me to come get him.  SOME naps he just screamsssssssss!!!  So I asked, "How do I know something isn't wrong?"  She was like, Lauren...by now we know...well, I dont know how else to say...your son is high maitenance.  He isn't afraid to let you know when something, anything, is bothering him.  He could be waking up and just possibly a little disoriented...or just wants you to pick him up RIGHT NOW.  I was like, I know...he really is very high maitenance.  Sometimes I need that reminder.  I need to remember to not get so stressed wondering, what's wrong now?  She told me her third child NEVER ever cried...to the point where he one day cried, so she took him to the doctor immediately, and he turned out to be extremely extremely ill...but never let on until after he had been really sick for a long time.  My son lets me know if the wind blew his hair in the wrong direction.  But you know...that makes him EXACTLY like me.  If he doesn't look like me, I guess I am happy he acts like me  :)

Tonight John and I took him to the pool.  I've gone a few times with him but I get sort of nervous b/c I'm with him by myself and can't get into the big pool with him since there are no stairs (only the metal ones) making it hard to get in with him in my arms.  Since John was there, we all three could get into the main pool together...Jack loveeeeeeeeeeed it.  John helped him kick and Jack even put his face under (oops...this wasn't purposeful)...but it didn't phase him.  It was so adorable.  It wore Jack out and as soon as we got home, I gave him a warm bath, oiled him up, fed him, and he was out like a light by 7:00.  Really nice family introduced themselves to us at the pool.

HEre is a picture of Jack and me at my parents house over the weekend for Allison and Greg's baby shower.  At first I didn't like the picture of me but now I love this picture of us.