Lie Lie Lie

Hullo!

I'm so tired I am dilerious.  I had a hair appointment tonight (first haircut in 3-4 months) and after I needed to run by the grocery store to get Jack's prescription filled.  (Also, John had a hankering for ice cream and I told him I'd pick some up).  It was 8 pm and I sat in the parking lot before stepping out of the car just feeling...bleh!  Rubbing my eyes trying to gain some sort of...I don't know...normal feelings.  I hate it when I'm so tired that I am not really even aware of the people around me.  I remember this kid doing some strange dance in front of the security cameras coming into the store as I was leaving.  And this manager telling one of the employees she is so sorry she forgot about her.  You know when you just have these small glimpses but are just...out of it.  That's how I feel!  I didn't even know what the shampoo girl looked like until I had to look at her because she started going on and on about how Halloween is her favorite holiday of the year...more than her birthday even.  Anyway, I'm tired.  WHY am I tired? BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So he has had his share of health issues.  Three kidney infections, C. Diff, two ear infections, colds, yada yada.  I've gotten used to responding to everything with him...because of course, if he's sick, than that's what I'm goin to do! But now, oh WOW.  He loves sleeping in my bed.  Seriously!  He stretches out like a king with almost a grin on his face. So I got in this bad habit of bringing him into bed with us when he wakes up and I want to sleep...so much easier than dealing with his waking up all night.  I may have created a monster...not sure.  He wakes up soooooooooooooo much.  WOAH.  And he wants to be in our bed!  I had to take him to the pediatrician today for a follow up appt after his most recent kidney infection.  She said that first of all, around the nine month mark, they do tend to regress with sleep...they become more aware of the world around them.  But that we need to just pick a time, gut up and get Jack to stop associating MY BED (ME) with sleep.  Ugh.  Again?  We've had to do this before too.  It works quickly but its hard!  So tonight John is in charge.  When Jack wakes up, John has to basically go in and say, Hi Jack...its 1:30 AM...go to sleep.  Goodnight.  Something like that.  Something to let Jack know we're there but not playing.  As the doctor is telling me this, Jack is throwing his normal fits.  He's gotten pretty cranky lately b/c he is not really sleeping anymore...she pointed out I need sleep to be best for him and he needs sleep too!  And it's true.  So that's it...no more!  He has to learn.  I know everyone has their differing opinions on sleep methods but at the end of the day, it really does come down to you, your kid, your family and what works best.  I just can't go on anymore with so little sleep.  Over the weekend he was waking up every hour on the hour until I brought him into my bed.  My sleep method is to do what works, be consistent, and then lie to everyone who disagrees with  me?  You believe in co-sleeping and baby wearing?  ME TOO!  You believe in  Cry-it-out?  ME TOO!  You believe in whatever?  ME TOO!  I honestly don't care b/c I  hate hearing peoples opinions.  I'm too tired to have a discussion with anyone about their opinion. BAH!  I'm tired.  Going to sleep.  If you disagree with me, then lie.  Or else...we're not friends anymore.  HAHAHA.  Kidding kind of.  This is what sleep deprivation can do to a person!  I can't even carry a conversation and my tooth hurts so now I'm worried I have something wrong with my teeth.  GOODNIGHT!

Making Friends...

I find this blog so inspiring: http://revmomma.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-friends.html

The writer is a pastor at my church...and I love the authenticity.  Reading Beth's blog is almost therapeutic...to read someone else's thoughts and realize...I'm not alone.  It's nice!

So tonight, I'm writing a post on her blog post.  Hopefully this is okay...

Her post spurred several thoughts...

I'm ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS, very conflicted on the SAHM (Stay at home mom) vs. WM (Working mom) decision.  I know myself.  I enjoy working.  I've always enjoyed working.  So I generally enjoy going to work, being around coworkers, feeling a sense of accomplishment, making money, spending money...but I can't stop thinking about how many hours I'm away from my son.  John drops him at daycare at 7:15, I pick him up at 4:00.  It's especially hard after a weekend of being with Jack 24/7.  And realizing that, while my days sometimes seem to go relatively fast, it's actually a long time that I'm away from him. What is he doing and how is he feeling during that time?  He does love his daycare but...still.  So then I start thinking, maybe I should ask if I can work part time?  Or maybe I should not work at all?  I dont know if I'd be happy not working at all.  And ideally I'd like to wait a couple of years to work part time...but am I doing the wrong thing by working full time?  Am I doing a disservice to Jack?  Am I going to really regret this later and wish I could rewind time?  I'm just full of doubt and guilt.  Lots of neighbors around here are stay at home moms and I can't help but feel bad around them.  I'm sensitive to the issue so sometimes even well-meaning comments sting a little.  So with all that said, it seems impossible to know what I should do.  Lately I've been wondering how I can actually keep it all together at this point...making sure we have food in the house, dinners, clean house, time with John, time with Jack...and forget about doing anything that's just for myself.  I spend a fraction of the time I used to with friends.  But this is just life as a working mom.  Not even SAHMs will understand that.  As a working mom, you're away from your kid(s) so much already that you just cannot then come home and do anything with other people and spend even more time away from him.  And since Jack is a SUPER active kid and NOT a napper, I dont even have 2 or 3 hour blocks on weekends to fit things in.  This is just life!  And I do love it (I think)!  But am I doing the right thing?

So Beth's thoughts on friends being hard to make as an adult I totally get. I feel like I make friends easily but I think thats why its been a huge adjustment as a mom...I have no time.  So what do I do with the friends once I make the connection?  I dont have time to do anything.  And then there is that division:  SAHM vs. WM.  It really is different.  Working moms may not understand the challenges of staying at home and I know that I dont think SAHM's understand the challenges of being a working mom...well, some do. 

So those were my thoughts.  And basically, since becoming a mom, I never feel like I totally know my niche.  What am I supposed to do?  What does God want me to do?  What is best for my son, for my family?  There is no clear cut answer!  And regarding God and my faith...I feel like it's almost non-existant and I have no clue how to get it back.  It's like I am so focused on just getting through the day successfully that I've really neglected my spiritual life.  It's been that way for awhile though...even before Jack. 

Anyway, I'm done!  Jack has ANOTHER kidney infection.  I asked the doctor, am I doing something wrong?  She said, no.  There is nothing you can do.  We've done all the tests.  EVerything is "normal".  We did a surgery that was supposed to take care of this but it didn't.  Turns out he is just very prone to these and so now he'll stay on antibiotics for the next 6-12 months, or until he grows out of this (hopefully he does).  It's stressful.  I have to admit I'm sort of proud of myself for being able to work while managing his health issues over the past 8 months b/c that has taken a ton of time.  Started off with him being just plain colicky/refluxy...Three kidney infections, C. Diff, 2 ear infections, and 2 colds later I sometimes feel like I've been to hell and back over the past 8 months.  I have NO LEAVE.  And I feel like I haven't done a good job at work.  But oh well!  I'm glad to have resolved this latest kidney infection.  He went to doctor two days in a row for two shots of a strong antibiotic in each leg.  So of course he has major diarreah.  I was trying to let him air out when I got home from work today with no diaper but that was a very bad idea for obvious reasons...which reminds me, I must go clean!