Tired

First, I want to post a picture of Sarah, Bastian, Jack and me.  (Sorry if my grammar is wrong in that sentence...I always hate it when people say for example, "John and me went to the grocery store..." instead of "John and I went to the grocery store."  Would you say, "ME went to the grocery store?"  No...NO you wouldn't!  So why would you say "So-and-so and ME went/did/whatever anything!"  Ahh I HATE that!  Anyway I digress...)

Sarah and I went walkng the other day...we'd been meaning to get pictures of us and the BOB's for awhile...we finally did!  I had to get the Cutco knife representative I'd been suckered into letting come over to take the picture for us since John wasn't home.  I also had to whip out a boob and feed Jack in the middle of her presentation.  Just kidding...I used the Hooter Hider.  But I did acknowledge to her that it was probably a strange presentation for her...and I did buy knives.  So hopefully she thought it was worth it.  Here are the pics...I look terrible but they are cute, nonetheless.  Jack and Bastian have both graduated from the infant car seat adapter!

I'm having a rough day.  I'm exhausted...last night we went to dinner and even though we tried to get home before Jack's bedtime and with enough time to go through the routine, it took Jack out of his normal routine and he was extremely difficult.  Because he got to bed maybe 15 minutes later than he ever does (8:15), he didn't sleep as well as he normally does and woke up earlier than he usually does (5:00 AM).  I know I'm lucky to have a baby that sleeps so long but I'M STILL GOING TO COMPLAIN!!!!!!!  Please don't say, "Oh wow you're lucky! Who cares that Jack doesn't sleep well during the day?"  I DO, okay!?!  I care.  It's completely exhausting.  I'm caring more and more with each day that passes.  Way back when, when Jack was two weeks old, I had to let him cry one night so that he would learn to sleep in the crib.  It really only took that one night...sometimes I still feel guilty about ever letting him "cry it out" but I had to, I was about to fall apart and I didn't want his first word to be the F word which he was hearing a lot of since he would only sleep on my chest and was waking up like every HOUR.  (I don't promote cussing...just sayin...I was hardly hanging on.)  Well, during the days I felt like I should roll with the punches.  And the doctor said that until  he were four months old, try to just deal with it during the day.  Which I totally did.  But now, I seriously am about to freak OUT.  Its like, JACK...what the #(*&#(&@????  What is this about?  He wakes up after 30-45 minutes of each nap and then needs to go down again after another hour.  We can't go ANYWHERE.  If we do, he wont sleep and is a mess.  I want a routine!  Where is the routine?  I write down everything he does and then study it, searching desperately for any sign that a routine may be emerging.  But no!  I never see the signs.  He still SUCKS at naps and I'm going crazy!  I can't deal with his CONSTANT fussing all day long, since he is never really fully rested except for first thing in the morning after his 10-11 hour sleep that night.  I'm trying to tell Jack he is looking less and less cute the longer this goes on but he doesn't seem to care?  So he is over four months old now and that's when they say you may need to let the babies cry a little more...but I just can't do it...and believe it or not...he really knows how to get me to jump.  My mom made me wait three minutes before I'd respond to him freaking out one day.  He was just sitting there on my lap and started freakin b/c my mom and I were having a conversation, and not focused on only him.  He DEMANDS attention and just lost it.  So I started entertaining him and doing what I do and my mom said, NO...do not respond to this...I'm setting my watch for three minutes and you have to have a conversation with me while he cries...don't even look at him.  I was like, I can't doooooooooooo itttttttttttt!!!  But I tried and two minutes later, less than three, he quit crying so I started paying attention to him again.  But I feel like I'm getting bossed around by this little guy!  My mom said when I was little, after a meltdown at the pediatrician, the doctor told her to read the book by Dobson on how to raise a strong willed child.  And I really think I have a mini-version of myself on my hands.  John was like, why...WHYYYYYYYY?????  We're so exhausted...today was a long day.  We wanted to go to the farmers market but didn't even make it out of the neighborhood...Jack had already started crying and I couldn't take it anymore.  We pulled a u-turn and went back home.  Anyway, just had to vent.

More to write but I'm too tired. 

Definition of Success

Today at work we had  this conference...and there was a motivational speaker.  He was pretty much your typical motivational speaker, speaking about the typical motivational speaker stuff.  He had everyone write down their definition of success and their definition of balance. I started feeling like, well I dont know what I define as success now.  In a way, I don't feel like a success at work and I don't feel like a success as a mom b/c I'm not doing either of them 100%.  At work, I can't really chase down any career aspirations b/c I want to keep a lower stress job that is more conducive to being a mother.  But at home, I am only home with Jack for 3-4 hours before he goes to bed each night during the week.  That's hardly being a really great mother.  So is it better to be not very good at anything you do or give up something so you can focus on one area of your life?  I don't know...but it sort of put me in a bad mood!

I also decided, I'm not going to this conference early.  No way!  I'll go when everyone else goes.  Originally the team lead wanted me there early to help set up...but I'll tell her to find someone else from our team to help.  Jack is getting to the point where he really prefers me (very satisfying haha!) and I want to be with him as much as I can.

I called the advice nurse tonigh b/c sometimes I wonder why Jack will wake up from an occasional nap screaming bloody murder...he goes from sleeping to screaming.  MOST naps he wakes up and just gives out a little cry to let me know he's awake and ready for me to come get him.  SOME naps he just screamsssssssss!!!  So I asked, "How do I know something isn't wrong?"  She was like, Lauren...by now we know...well, I dont know how else to say...your son is high maitenance.  He isn't afraid to let you know when something, anything, is bothering him.  He could be waking up and just possibly a little disoriented...or just wants you to pick him up RIGHT NOW.  I was like, I know...he really is very high maitenance.  Sometimes I need that reminder.  I need to remember to not get so stressed wondering, what's wrong now?  She told me her third child NEVER ever cried...to the point where he one day cried, so she took him to the doctor immediately, and he turned out to be extremely extremely ill...but never let on until after he had been really sick for a long time.  My son lets me know if the wind blew his hair in the wrong direction.  But you know...that makes him EXACTLY like me.  If he doesn't look like me, I guess I am happy he acts like me  :)

Tonight John and I took him to the pool.  I've gone a few times with him but I get sort of nervous b/c I'm with him by myself and can't get into the big pool with him since there are no stairs (only the metal ones) making it hard to get in with him in my arms.  Since John was there, we all three could get into the main pool together...Jack loveeeeeeeeeeed it.  John helped him kick and Jack even put his face under (oops...this wasn't purposeful)...but it didn't phase him.  It was so adorable.  It wore Jack out and as soon as we got home, I gave him a warm bath, oiled him up, fed him, and he was out like a light by 7:00.  Really nice family introduced themselves to us at the pool.

HEre is a picture of Jack and me at my parents house over the weekend for Allison and Greg's baby shower.  At first I didn't like the picture of me but now I love this picture of us.

Someone walked in on me...

*I meant to post this on June 10*
I cannot BELIEVE it is June 10, 2010!!! Where DOES the time go? Jack’s four month doctors appointment is on June 22. I wish I could say we’ve only been to the doctors for his two day, 1 week, 2 week, 2 month, and 4 month doctors appointment. NO! NOT the case! Between Jack and Bailey (refer back to my previous post on Bailey), we are at the doctor all the time! I hope Jack isn’t like Bailey…I just shuddered as I wrote that. For Jack we’ve been to the doctors office numerous times…reflux, ear infection, URINARY TRACT INFECTION/KIDNEY INFECTION. UgH!!! But hopefully we’re in the clear now.

Work is going fantastic as I mentioned in my prior post. I feel engaged, love the people, love the agency, love what the future may hold. I have a conference in August. It’s only once every two years and I feel I need to go, although I know no one is forcing me to. I have been debating it for a long time now…so this week I finally bit the bullet and registered. Six whole days away from my little family. I will have to pump every night for 48 nights so that I have enough milk to last Jack the entire time I’m gone, assuming I pump 5 ounces each night. I hate pumping! When I’m there, I’ll have to pump as often as Jack would normally eat and then store it…I requested a fridge in the room and will send the milk back using dry ice. I could probably just dump it and not bring it back with me but I hate pumping and wouldn’t want to waste the milk! Last night as I was falling asleep I sort of got an anxiety attack thinking, what if Jack starts preferring the bottle while I’m gone since he’ll go six whole days without nursing? Ugh. That would be a horrible thing. I cherish that time I have with him. I don’t feel like people understand b/c when I mention it, people say, “He’ll be six months.” I know you can stop breastfeeding then but I want to breastfeed for a full year. OR I start worrying, what if he DOESN’T start preferring the bottle and has a really hard time not having that time with ME while I’m gone? John is REALLY great with Jack and Jack loves being with John but still, I’m the mom! So I guess when I’m awake I feel like, okay I can do this. But as the day starts winding down and I become tired, my mind starts whirring and I get a LOT of anxiety about this trip. On the other hand, it’s going to be a blast. We’re going to Denver and there is a lot to do there! I’ll be able to socialize at night, watch movies in my hotel room, and sleep in past 5:00 AM! Heavennnnnnn!!!!!
Akward moment of the day: Someone walking in on me while I was pumping. I thought I was the only one with a key to this “employee file room” but apparently not. When I heard the key turning, I yelled “someone’s in here!” Luckily it was a woman but when she saw me, she just continued on in and started filing things around me. Akward! I spilled milk all over my pants and somehow had a big wet mark on my butt. And only produced like half as much milk.

I'm bacccccccccccck!

I'm such a bad blogger.  I've gone weeks (I think) without writing.   I refuse to let it go!  I will continue on!  This will not be just another phase! (Like hamsters, fruit dehydraters, fish tanks, etc.)

Well, I'm just...exhausted.  kay goodnight!

Just kidding.

Well Jack is just getting over a Urinary Tract Infection.  I really don't feel like going into that story but basically after five or six weeks of being told he has an ear infection, then just a virus, etc...we found out (after a trip to the ER) he has had a UTI.  I mean, POOR GUY!!!  What the HECK man! (John HATES it when I say "what the heck man!")  So after a week on Cefellin, he has blood (a lot) in his stool.  Doctor said thats normal (Thank God).  He had to have a renal ultrasound and "VCUG" at the hospital on Monday.  By some miracle, he didn't cry during the VCUG which is good b/c they said if he did, the test might not work.  I was like, you must be kidding me you CRAZY NURSE!!!  But he didn't cry!  It was amazing.  He freaked out during the ultrasound which was the easy part.

Work is going...well, great!  I love being back at work and I love coming home to Jack in the late afternoons.  Especially now that he actually is a happy baby since he is feeling better for the first time in well, EVER.

Jack LOVES Nilda (the babysitter).  This is ideal...I love our situation.

I need some blopics.  Can anyone throw out some topics for me to blog about?  Anything!!!  (well, within reason)

Shout out to Lauren who reminded me to blog tonight!  (Different Lauren)

More consistent blogging coming soon!  For now, check out Jack's ROLLS!  Can't beat those!  These pics were taken by my friend Marie when we walked to her house one afternoon while John worked on installing her new faucet.