Tired

First, I want to post a picture of Sarah, Bastian, Jack and me.  (Sorry if my grammar is wrong in that sentence...I always hate it when people say for example, "John and me went to the grocery store..." instead of "John and I went to the grocery store."  Would you say, "ME went to the grocery store?"  No...NO you wouldn't!  So why would you say "So-and-so and ME went/did/whatever anything!"  Ahh I HATE that!  Anyway I digress...)

Sarah and I went walkng the other day...we'd been meaning to get pictures of us and the BOB's for awhile...we finally did!  I had to get the Cutco knife representative I'd been suckered into letting come over to take the picture for us since John wasn't home.  I also had to whip out a boob and feed Jack in the middle of her presentation.  Just kidding...I used the Hooter Hider.  But I did acknowledge to her that it was probably a strange presentation for her...and I did buy knives.  So hopefully she thought it was worth it.  Here are the pics...I look terrible but they are cute, nonetheless.  Jack and Bastian have both graduated from the infant car seat adapter!

I'm having a rough day.  I'm exhausted...last night we went to dinner and even though we tried to get home before Jack's bedtime and with enough time to go through the routine, it took Jack out of his normal routine and he was extremely difficult.  Because he got to bed maybe 15 minutes later than he ever does (8:15), he didn't sleep as well as he normally does and woke up earlier than he usually does (5:00 AM).  I know I'm lucky to have a baby that sleeps so long but I'M STILL GOING TO COMPLAIN!!!!!!!  Please don't say, "Oh wow you're lucky! Who cares that Jack doesn't sleep well during the day?"  I DO, okay!?!  I care.  It's completely exhausting.  I'm caring more and more with each day that passes.  Way back when, when Jack was two weeks old, I had to let him cry one night so that he would learn to sleep in the crib.  It really only took that one night...sometimes I still feel guilty about ever letting him "cry it out" but I had to, I was about to fall apart and I didn't want his first word to be the F word which he was hearing a lot of since he would only sleep on my chest and was waking up like every HOUR.  (I don't promote cussing...just sayin...I was hardly hanging on.)  Well, during the days I felt like I should roll with the punches.  And the doctor said that until  he were four months old, try to just deal with it during the day.  Which I totally did.  But now, I seriously am about to freak OUT.  Its like, JACK...what the #(*&#(&@????  What is this about?  He wakes up after 30-45 minutes of each nap and then needs to go down again after another hour.  We can't go ANYWHERE.  If we do, he wont sleep and is a mess.  I want a routine!  Where is the routine?  I write down everything he does and then study it, searching desperately for any sign that a routine may be emerging.  But no!  I never see the signs.  He still SUCKS at naps and I'm going crazy!  I can't deal with his CONSTANT fussing all day long, since he is never really fully rested except for first thing in the morning after his 10-11 hour sleep that night.  I'm trying to tell Jack he is looking less and less cute the longer this goes on but he doesn't seem to care?  So he is over four months old now and that's when they say you may need to let the babies cry a little more...but I just can't do it...and believe it or not...he really knows how to get me to jump.  My mom made me wait three minutes before I'd respond to him freaking out one day.  He was just sitting there on my lap and started freakin b/c my mom and I were having a conversation, and not focused on only him.  He DEMANDS attention and just lost it.  So I started entertaining him and doing what I do and my mom said, NO...do not respond to this...I'm setting my watch for three minutes and you have to have a conversation with me while he cries...don't even look at him.  I was like, I can't doooooooooooo itttttttttttt!!!  But I tried and two minutes later, less than three, he quit crying so I started paying attention to him again.  But I feel like I'm getting bossed around by this little guy!  My mom said when I was little, after a meltdown at the pediatrician, the doctor told her to read the book by Dobson on how to raise a strong willed child.  And I really think I have a mini-version of myself on my hands.  John was like, why...WHYYYYYYYY?????  We're so exhausted...today was a long day.  We wanted to go to the farmers market but didn't even make it out of the neighborhood...Jack had already started crying and I couldn't take it anymore.  We pulled a u-turn and went back home.  Anyway, just had to vent.

More to write but I'm too tired. 

Definition of Success

Today at work we had  this conference...and there was a motivational speaker.  He was pretty much your typical motivational speaker, speaking about the typical motivational speaker stuff.  He had everyone write down their definition of success and their definition of balance. I started feeling like, well I dont know what I define as success now.  In a way, I don't feel like a success at work and I don't feel like a success as a mom b/c I'm not doing either of them 100%.  At work, I can't really chase down any career aspirations b/c I want to keep a lower stress job that is more conducive to being a mother.  But at home, I am only home with Jack for 3-4 hours before he goes to bed each night during the week.  That's hardly being a really great mother.  So is it better to be not very good at anything you do or give up something so you can focus on one area of your life?  I don't know...but it sort of put me in a bad mood!

I also decided, I'm not going to this conference early.  No way!  I'll go when everyone else goes.  Originally the team lead wanted me there early to help set up...but I'll tell her to find someone else from our team to help.  Jack is getting to the point where he really prefers me (very satisfying haha!) and I want to be with him as much as I can.

I called the advice nurse tonigh b/c sometimes I wonder why Jack will wake up from an occasional nap screaming bloody murder...he goes from sleeping to screaming.  MOST naps he wakes up and just gives out a little cry to let me know he's awake and ready for me to come get him.  SOME naps he just screamsssssssss!!!  So I asked, "How do I know something isn't wrong?"  She was like, Lauren...by now we know...well, I dont know how else to say...your son is high maitenance.  He isn't afraid to let you know when something, anything, is bothering him.  He could be waking up and just possibly a little disoriented...or just wants you to pick him up RIGHT NOW.  I was like, I know...he really is very high maitenance.  Sometimes I need that reminder.  I need to remember to not get so stressed wondering, what's wrong now?  She told me her third child NEVER ever cried...to the point where he one day cried, so she took him to the doctor immediately, and he turned out to be extremely extremely ill...but never let on until after he had been really sick for a long time.  My son lets me know if the wind blew his hair in the wrong direction.  But you know...that makes him EXACTLY like me.  If he doesn't look like me, I guess I am happy he acts like me  :)

Tonight John and I took him to the pool.  I've gone a few times with him but I get sort of nervous b/c I'm with him by myself and can't get into the big pool with him since there are no stairs (only the metal ones) making it hard to get in with him in my arms.  Since John was there, we all three could get into the main pool together...Jack loveeeeeeeeeeed it.  John helped him kick and Jack even put his face under (oops...this wasn't purposeful)...but it didn't phase him.  It was so adorable.  It wore Jack out and as soon as we got home, I gave him a warm bath, oiled him up, fed him, and he was out like a light by 7:00.  Really nice family introduced themselves to us at the pool.

HEre is a picture of Jack and me at my parents house over the weekend for Allison and Greg's baby shower.  At first I didn't like the picture of me but now I love this picture of us.

Lots to say...

I guess I have a lot to say today...

So today was Grandma's turn at babysitting.  Tomorrow it will be John again.  Grandma is fantastic.  We really think Jack has turned a corner (or he is sick?).  He slept from 8-10 this morning.  Then again from 1:30-4:20ish...mostly in his crib.  Maybe she is calmer than I am so he is calmer and sleeps better?  But even before, she couldnt get him to sleep much past an hour.  Now he is sleeping these amazing naps.  We were sitting in my living room talking waiting for my mom to come pick grandma up...and we heard him kind of fussing.  It was sort of a different kind of fussing than I've heard before so I rushed up and found him smooshed against the crib railings.  Guess its time I put the crib bumpers back into the crib now that he is rolling around some.  Okay not smooshed but the top of his head somehow became pushed against it.  His poor head had a big dent in it.  But he didn't even cry!  I felt sorry for him.  I picked him up and fed him...he fell asleep immediately.  I thought he wouldn't sleep well tonight but believe it or not, he went down without a peep around 8:20.  I don't get it!  But it's great.  By the way you can't even see the dent in his head anymore.  Baby's heads are kind of amazing, huh?

Katie came by for a few minutes and she took my strollers out to play around with them for a few minutes since she's trying to learn..she's expecting a little one in October.  But can you believe she isnt going to find out the gender?  I admire people with that kind of discipline.  I couldnt WAIT to find out. 

Then our friend Brian, who is in town from North Carolina, came to visit us.  He's a natural with babies.  I took a picture so his wife can check it out :) Jack completely passed out on Brian.  Guess its just one of those sleepy types of days.

Another noteworthy event...my sister was kind of like...afraid of Jack.  A lot of people think they're gonna break him.  But he is becomign a lot more fun....check out this picture of Emily and Jack.  So cute.

Cute pics...

It's a MIRACLEEEE!

This morning Jack woke up at 5:00 AM and after he finished eating around 6:00 AM, he didn't want to go back to sleep.  I was like, ughhhh.  I try not to complain too much since he did go to sleep around 8:00 pm which is a great stretch but still!  So I brought him into bed with John and I...he snoozed a little more but he is so noisy when he sleeps!  How do people co-sleep!?  I'd have to wear some heavy duty ear plugs...or maybe you get used to it...who knows.  Anyway...he snoozed until about 7:30 AM.  We decided to skip church for the sake of me being able to continue trying to establish his nap "routine"....or at least, teach him to sleep in the crib during the day.

Anywho...around 8:30, I put him back in his crib.  He slept until 9:30.  This is pretty typical now...WHEN he sleeps in the crib, he'll sleep for about 45 minutes to an hour.  I think that is because they say babies wake up about every 30 minutes to an hour.  (Adults wake up about every hour and a half supposively.)  I think when he wakes up and remembers he is in the crib, he is like, "OKAY GET ME OUT OF HERE. MWAAAA!!!"  Today, we might have just had a breakthrough!  I put him back down to sleep at 10:45...he cried off and on until about 11:00...and its now 12:45 pm and he is sleeping!  That probaby means that he decided he could continue on instead of crying.  I'm pretty happy about this!

I have to admit...he was losing his cuteness in my eyes.  All this crabiness and tiredness and refusing naps in the crib...I was like, you know...you're looking kind of fat kiddo...not so cute anymore.  But now...NOW he is looking (and acting) absolutely adorable! :)  I told my mom he isn't cute anymore and she said, "Oh thats just b/c you're mad at him for not napping."  Who knew she had me figured out so well!

When he wakes up, I think we'll go for our daily walk.  I like going when he is awake b/c he likes to look around the whole time...and then I also know that a potential crib nap (which is what I'm going for) is not replaced by a stroller nap...the book I'm reading says naps in motion (cars, strollers, etc) are not AS good (but still good) as naps in the crib. 

SO, in conclusion, I DO LET MY BABY CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Can you tell this is a source of conflict for me?  I write about it all the time!  But its working for us so...I just hope he isn't completely damaged when he grows up.

Being a mom is hard!

Ughhhh.  I have to blog when I am having a little motherhood crisis!

This sleep thing is just killer!!!  Jack is a A+ sleeper at night but an F- sleeper during the day.  Since Friday (so almost a week) I've been working with him on naps.  I know he is still too young to have a routine per say...but he definitely still needs naps.  I know I can't be so rigid as to say...at 10:00 AM and 2:00 PM he will sleep for two hours every day.  But I can watch for his sleep cues and when I see him  get tired, put him in his crib for a nap.  He hates it!  He hates sleeping in his crib when its light outside (his nursery is dark but not AS dark as night).

I feel like I know my kid and I'm doing what I have to do for him and I'm doing what works for him...which like I've mentioned in previous posts, involves crying.  But I can't help but feel like a bad mom!  Every doctor will say something different.  My doctors tend to say to let the baby cry, teach them how to sleep now, it will only get harder and they need sleep...it produces happier baby, happier parents and the baby is developmentally better off.  My friends doctor told her not to let them cry it out until they're over four months.  And then there is the question...how long do you let the baby cry it out for!

I think us moms need to go with what our instinct tells us...b/c I think it must be different for every baby and for every parent!  But its so hard not to question myself...and wonder if I'm really damaging my baby and if he'll stop trusting me, etc.

Last Friday was day one of me trying to teach Jack to take a nap.  The naps were not long but I'd say he slept in his crib for a total of an hour that day.  Well that night, John got home, and Jack actually LAUGHED and smiled with John for a good 10 or 15 minutes...that never happens!  Jack is usually too irritable (probably from lack of sleep).  So I thought, I MUST be doing the right thing...he is happy!  But 6 days later, I still want to cry when I start to wonder what I'm doing?  I just hope I'm not doing anything that will harm him later. 

I can't believe he will be 2 months old on Tuesday!  Time flies.

That's just a bunch of baloney!

Jack has just started smiling and laughing!!!  True, mostly to John...doesn't Jack know who feeds him?!

Probably my biggest stressor (after learning the whole breast feeding gig) has been sleep!  I've already written about that but even after Jack caught on to the whole "sleeping through the night" deal, he's really been a bad napper.  He takes cat naps here and there or he'll sleep on walks (we log lots of miles with our new jogging stroller and strollometer), or he'll sleep in the carrier, but he melts down by the end of the day b/c he really isn't getting any quality sleep!

So I decided I've gotta toughen up with myself!  I have to listen to his cries at nap time just like I had to do at night before he became such a great night sleeper!  I knew the first thing is that I can't give up after one day.  I also knew I needed to keep some sort of log so I could be consistent and  routine. 

Yesterday was Day 1 of my mission.  It went okay.  My goal is to put him in the CRIB for one nap before noon and one nap after noon.  According to my log, I put him down at crib, he cried off and on for an hour...snoozed a little, then cried a little, etc.  I think he may have slept for 30 minutes.  I put him down again at 2:30 and he probably cried 15 minutes but slept a whopping 45!  My goal is for him to be in his crib for an hour each time, crying or not.  Of course if he goes to sleep, I'll let him stay there until he wakes up.  Well, I did have to listen to his cries but instead of being an irritable grumpy crying baby by the evening, he was soooooooooo happy!!!  He smiled, laughed and was in a great mood!  So I said to myself, It has to be a bunch of baloney that letting Jack cry it out is going to emotionally damage him...it's better for him and makes him a much happier baby!  ALSO, considering how much I love him and am trying to do the right thing, how could I emotionally damage him in this way?  I just don't think that could happen.

This is why I hate to see him cry.  How sad...

Today, I put him in crib at 10, he hardly cried and slept for OVER an hour.  Of course, our afternoon nap went awful but it's a step in the right direction!  I ordered a projection mobile online to see if it helps with the naptimes!  I also play his Irish lullibies during naptime.  Now he is nursing and falling asleep since he is so tired from of course NOT sleeping at his nap.  I'll put him in carrier after and then a walk to build in some more sleep.  I feel we are making progress though!!!

Where does the time go?

Its 6:00 right now and I just dont know where the day went!  Jack is probably going through his 3 week growth spurt right now so is eating around the clock (but whats new!?) and not sleeping like he normally does.  This morning, as you may have read from my earlier blog post, I was able to put him down in his crib for about 20-30 minutes.  After that was all downhill.  I put him in the carrier and took him outside for a walk around the block with Goose (one of our dogs) which helped him fall asleep.  We came back in with him sleeping and I was abe to get a few things done around the house (kitchen cleaned, floors vacuumed).  Once he woke up, he immediately started crying again so he ate, AGAIN.  It's like today, there is no happy Jack.  He is eating, sleeping, or crying.  So later in the day in attempt to get him to sleep I put him in his crib for a nap...he was having NONE of that so I let him cry just for about 5 minutes so I could eat a quick lunch.  Picked him up and put him in his carseat stroller and we went for about a 1.3 mile walk...of course the minute he goes in the carseat and gets outside, he is asleep again.  So we came home, and I actually put the carseat IN the crib thinking, hey  thats better than no crib, right?  But he woke up about 15 minutes later.  :(  I finally got him to take a good nap around 4:00 after he ate but guess where?  ON ME in the Recliner!!!  But we're desperate...I'd rather him sleep a little bit than none at all.  So we have been stranded here no the recliner for two hours.  Thank goodness John came home so he could bring me water and a snack.  We're going to his mom's tonight for St. Patricks Day...I look horrible which got me writign this post.  I dont even know if I had time to brush my teeth today!  Actually yes I did b/c I remember holding him in one arm while trying to do that.  But I'm wearing gross sweat pants and an old t-shirt with no makeup.  I look awful.  I feel like I had more time in the first week or two b/c he slept so much more.