How's this to make you feel like you're a better mom than I am?

Check out the bruises on both sides of his head.  One he got at daycare (of course they say he got it at home but I KNOW I didn't drop him off with that bruise...).  Once that started to fade, he was trying to walk and went headfirst into the door frame.  I promise, I watch him so close and was standing right there!!!  But sometimes I'm not quick enough...I think he is so active he is bound to get bruised up...right???

Isn't it normal?

Hi.

Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi.  Ughhhhhhhhhhhh...It's Fridayyyyyyyyy!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

That's how I feel.  HAPPY!  But like, "Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

This is what happens when your daycare SUCKS.

Over the past couple weeks I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other back to the other back to the other.  Make up your mind, mind!  Begins when I find out my son had his diaper changed just once at daycare.  Husband goes to daycare on a Sunday evening to discuss, asks daycare to record diaper changes and meals.  Monday and Tuesday, daycare makes big effort.  I soften.  Begin to like daycare.  Begin to think daycare isn't so bad.  Begin to remember Jack is happy at this daycare and likes Z.  Begin to remember how convenient this daycare is. 

Fast forward a couple of days.  Wednesday.  Daycare stops recording diapers or meals.  Wow.  That lasted a long time (sarcasm).  I decide to send my own food for her to feed Jack.  Call me a control freak but I want to know what he is eating.  Diapers not a big deal b/c since I use cloth I can count how many were used each day.  Decide I do not need her recording diapers and food.  Fast forward a couple more days.  Friday.  I telework.  Pick Jack up to bring him with me to lunch.  Surprise daycare.  Z not there but her helper is.  (Her helper is sweet but does not speak much English.)  Helper rapidly whips the bottle out of Jack's sleeping lips.  I HATE BOTTLES IN CRIBS.  HATE IT.  Hate it even more when Jack has a double ear infection (like he does right now) because it is too easy for me to blame the double ear infection on daycare putting bottles in the cribs.  I have known she does this but I saw it with my own eyes today so...grrr.

Went to visit a new daycare who has NO SPOTS.  I could tell she didn't want me to come visit, since she has no spots, but I really wanted to meet her in case a spot opens.  I'm remaining hopeful because her daycare was AMAZING!  Its $100 less each week than Jack's current daycare...not that I even care about price at this point. Her entire upstairs is dedicated to her daycare.  She has a sleeping room with cribs.  She has a computer room where she teachers the older kids to type things like their names.  She uses sign language with them.  She has an outdoor playground.  She has an indoor playground room.  A kitchen dedicated solely to the daycare.  Cubby's for each kids stuff.  It's a school!  An in-home daycare school!  I loved it!  She has a room that she calls her office where she plans the lessons and activities for all the kids the next day.  She is AMAZING.  AMAZING!!! FA LA LA LA LAAAAAA!!!  So I asked if she could suggest another daycare who she thinks is as good...she gave me a name.  I called and left a message...am hoping they have a spot.

But this is probably boring for you to read about. 

My husband tells me I always have something I am fixated on.  Maybe its something at work. Maybe its him needing an ADHD Coach (HAHA...it worked though)...And now its daycare.  But isn't it normal?  It's okay to have one thing you're focused on at all times, right?  It's better than having multiple things you're focused on.  I focus on something, fix whatever the problem is, and then move on.  :)

Goodnesssssssssss......

I could use everyone's prayers.  We need to make sure our next daycare is a KEEPER.  We will be using a daycare CENTER and I want to make sure we pick the right one.  The last thing I want to is switch Jack again.  I dont want to switch him now and I dont want to switch him again.  I dont even think I could.  He is not an adaptable kid, that's for sure.  So, prayers for us as we try to pick a new place!

THANK YOU!

Daycare SUCKS.

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  (Remember that book?  Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day)

So if you read my blog, you know by now that I am constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY, torn about whether I should be working or staying at home with Jack.  I'll reach a place where I feel at peace with my decision and it might last a month before I'm thrown for a loop again and its all over.  I may be thrown for a loop when Jack gets sick, or someone makes a comment I take personally, or DAYCARE ISSUES.  DAYCARE ISSUES SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John has been travelling in San Francisco all week and I haven't been able to talk to him much because of the time difference.  His flight gets in tonight at 1:30 AM...I will be so happy to have him home.  He does so much to help that I apparently take for granted...I'm just completely pooped.  But, speaking of poop...

John typically drops Jack off at daycare around 7:00 or 7:15 AM.  I pick Jack up at 4:00 pm.  Since John is out of town, I dropped Jack off at daycare in the morning, my mother in law picked Jack up for me in the afternoon so I could stay late at work to make up the time.  So I got home yesterday and Mary Ellen, my mother-in-law, happened to mention in passing that Jack seemed happy when she picked him up but he was pretty mad when Z was changing his diaper.  This is an important fact to remember...Z changing his diaper at 4:00 pm.

I use cloth diapers so I know how often he is changed b/c all the used diapers come back to me tied in a wet bag.  Each night I take out the wetbag from the diaper pail and throw it in the diaper pail until I'm ready to wash the diapers.  I don't use cloth diapers for the purpose of keeping track of how often he is changed, but it does allow me to do so. 

Well, Jack seems to have a constant diaper rash.  If its not a full fledged rash, its just red and irritated.  I kept thinking he must just have very sensitive skin.  Well, yesterday evening I was changing his diaper and thought to myself, jeez...diaper rash again.  I told myself to check the wet bag to see how many diapers Z had used that day.  I was just curious.  I forgot to check last night but this morning, I checked real quick right before I loaded Jack in the car to bring him to daycare.  To my dismay, there was only ONE dirty diaper in the bag.  Z had only changed him ONE time, the entire day, at 4:00 pm.  Meaning, Jack had not been changed one time from when I had changed him around 6:45 AM, til 4:00 pm when my mother in law picked him up.  That is just neglectful!  We have had to address this issue with Z before...but its never been this bad.  It was one time pretty bad but she was VERY apologetic and seemed to have a legitimate excuse that worked for me.  But I can't tolerate this.  I am not very confrontational, although I'm sure John would disagree ;).  But I have to make sure my son is taken care of.  So when I dropped him off, I very nicely said, "Z, could you change Jack at least three times today?  You know, b/c of diaper rash and stuff?"  She said, "The diaper rash is b/c of you."  I said, "You only changed him once yesterday."  She said, "He didn't have diaper rash yesterday."  I said, "I don't care about diaper rash.  I don't want him sitting in a wet diaper all day."  She said, "Okay"...but I was upset that she is actually trying to blame me for diaper rash.  I CHANGE HIS DIAPER.  Gah!

So since John is out of town, I can't talk to him...it was something like 4:00 AM in San Fransisco when this was happening.  My poor, poor co-workers.  They had to listen to me go on and on all day, crying off and on.  ugh.  So I text my friend, who upon my recommendation, had moved her son to Z's daycare two weeks ago.  I said, "I'm disturbed b/c Z only changed Jack once yesterday."  She responded by saying last week when her husband picked up her 18 month old, her son hadn't been changed at all, the entire day.  She knows that b/c she had brought him to a doctors appointment that morning and had used one of the doctors diapers, which are different than hers.  That's how she knew he hadn't been changed.

There is a 2 1/2 year old at daycare named Cash.  He is a bully!  He hits Jack (he even hits me sometimes).  When I picked up Jack the other day, he pushed my friends son, TWICE!  Luckily, her son is very easy going but I said, "Wow, Cash is mean."  Z has said he only does this when I'm there which may be the case but, still...  Z responded, "That's just how boys are."  I said, "No, it isn't."  She knew this bothered me so she said a couple days later that she had "talked" to Cash about the hitting.  I'm sure that a "talk" is effective with a two year old.  (NOT) So this was already a concern of mine and the diaper issue is just...too much.

John says we should talk to her, get her on some sort of system...I think he actually used the words "help her with process improvement."  Oh John, that's endearing.  But NO...that's not going to work.  I should never have to ever address diaper changing...you are a DAYCARE PROVIDER.  CHANGE THE DIAPERS.  I was talking to my sister in law, Whitney.  She said..."WHAT!  That's neglectful!  You pay her to keep him safe and clean!"  I was like, you're right!  It already bothered me that every day his face is dirty with dried up food but I never saw that as a deal breaker...I'd just clean him up when I got home.  But you know, I don't think he is probably comfortable with food all over his face, just like I wouldn't be.  So keep his face clean, keep his diaper clean, don't neglect your kids.

My friend and I decided we will try taking the daycare center route.  This is the second in-home daycare for both of us.  We called around and think we MIGHT have an answer...this place won't have a spot for Jack until February but I don't mind leaving him with Z until then and just knowing I'll have to stay all over her to make sure she does these basic fundamental daycare tasks.  GRRRR....I'm so mad about this. 

Also, I really feel like I'm a bad mom.  Having to move Jack for the THIRD TIME since apparently I am AWFUL at picking a good daycare.  Ugh.  Horrible.

Making things easier...Part Deux

First of all, before we get started here, if you're reading this...please click the "follow" button.  I really love collecting followers.  There is a new feature on blogger now where I can track how many people read my blog on a given day.  Last time I posted, over 50 people read my blog that day...but I only have 47 followers...and I know not all of my actual followers read...which means I could potentially have more.  So please, follow me!!!

I wrote about my freezer meals in the last post.  I got a lot of good feedback about the post.  Immediately after I posted, a friend emailed saying she had read my  blog and is very interested in starting a "cooking co-op".  So we did!  The first swap meeting is mid-January.  We both did a lot of googling and research and came up with what we think are very thorough "Guidelines/Procedures".  Because I want to spread the JOY of simplifying life and enjoying the day-to-day as much as possible, I'd like to share our google doc showing how we will be operating so you can start a co-op if you want!  If you'd like more details, let me know and I'd be happy to share.  I'll keep you posted with how it goes.  Here are our guidelines:

Freezer Meal Cooking Co-Op Guidelines and Procedures

What I'd like to discuss today in this post is the "Harris Teeter Express Lane".  This has been equally critical in my attempt to make things easier and life more enjoyable.  I've tried Peapod (which actually delivers to your home for about $8 plus tip, depending on location) but HT Express Lane far surpasses the other services, in my opinion.  Let me show you a letter I wrote to their corporate office, so that I don't have to retype why I loveeeeeeee HT....

...Pause...

...Shoot, I can't find what I wrote to them.  Well I basically I went on and on about how their service has really been a life changer.  It's so convenient, the service is fantastic...I love that they offer this service and not only do I get convenience, I don't have to sacrifice quality.  Everything available in the store is available online.  Produce is carefully selected and always excellent.  Even the way they put everything in the bags makes me feel happy when I unpack.

And their response to my email:

Dear Lauren:

What a nice email! We're thrilled to hear from our customers who've had a great experience in our store. We'll definitely pass along your comments to our senior management and make sure that our Home Shoppers get special recognition for providing great service.

Thanks for your praise...and for shopping at Harris Teeter!
Sincerely,
Tom
Harris Teeter Customer Relations

Ever since I wrote that email, whenever I pick up groceries, whoever puts the groceries in my trunk thanks me for writing the "sweet" email and asks how old my son is, etc.  (The email explained that once I had a baby, grocery shopping became much harder...plus, who wants to give up a couple hours a week with your kids so you can  go grocery shopping?  Not me!  Also, I'm usually just plain exhausted.)

So, what is Harris Teeter Express Lane?  Express Lane is simply a service where you order your groceries online.  The website is EASY!  After you place your order, it takes them about 3-4 hours (sometimes about an hour!) to assign a personal shopper to your order and prepare your order.  This service is available seven days a week.  When your order has been prepared, they call AND email  you when your order is ready.  If you ordered a generic brand and they are out of generic, they will give you the name brand for the same price.  When you order, you can specify if substitutions are okay.  When they call you to tell you the order has been completed, they run through your order if there were any items they were out of.  Its very rare for them to be out of an item but every so often there will be an item or two they substitute with a different brand, as long as it is okay with you.  When your order is complete, you drive to the store, pull up into a specified parking spot, push an intercom button, let them know you're waiting, and they come out with your groceries.  The cost of this service is $4.95.  WORTH EVERY PENNY.  I'm forced to sit down and plan my meals for the week  before I order online.    Otherwise, I don't plan and IF I'm lucky enough to get dinner on the table at all, I will have to run to the store what seems like every night.  All of this is a big pain and it takes time away from Jack and John.  In addition, I'm sure we all splurge on $4.95 worth of stuff when we go into the store...magazines, junk food...whatever.  So this $4.95 fee is really nothing.  Now, not ALL Harris Teeter locations offer this service so let me show you the steps you need to take.

Step 1:  Go to http://www.harristeeter.com/, click "Home Shopping Express Lane", select your state, and check out which location you will be using.

Step 2:  Click the location most convenient to you, click "Proceed to Store", click "Sign In" and then click "Create Account".  Make sure you sign up for a VIC card so you can get all the specials.  Once you have registered, log in...

Step 3:  Start Shopping.  You can shop in several ways...I usually have written out my list so type in the search bar what I'm looking for.  For example, Baby Food.  Type in "Baby Food" and click "Go".  I select "Cereals and Snacks"

I select how I want to sort the results.  I select "Specials" and it brings up a list of all the Cereals and Snacks that are on sale. 

I select the one I want and you can see that I can use the arrow to increase or decrease quantity.

When you are finished shopping, click "Checkout".  It allows you to review your order once more, click "checkout" one more time.  Now, you're at the screen where you can specify the date and time you will be picking up your order. 

Here is the final screen where you will place your order.

That's that!  Try it out!

Believe it or not, as I typed this, the mailman came.  I went up to get the mail and make the dogs start barking (ugh) and I had a Christmas Card from harris Teeter with a coupon for $5 off my next order.  Nice!



Making things easier...

Working moms (or any type of moms) have to find tricks to simplify life in order to juggle the day-to-day.  I'll talk more about the tricks I've discovered and use in future posts.  Today, I will talk about the trick that has made the biggest improvement in our life...nightly meals.  Up until about a month ago, I just could not get that together.  I would pick up Jack from daycare every afternoon at 4:00 and from then on, it felt like a race to the finish line (bedtime).  Late afternoon is Jack's crankiest time of day and he pretty much demands undivided attention and a lot of entertaining!!!  My mom told me that I should put him in the highchair and cook dinner after work but...that does not work.  A neighbor happened to offer me a freezer they had laying around...this is what sparked the idea in my head to begin cooking on weekends.  I accepted their offer...only, the freezer did not work.  I had Sears come out to repair it...the repair would cost $300!!!  I posted the freezer on Craigslist and gave it away for free to someone who could fix it themselves.  I then invested in an upright freezer for the garage.  It was about $400.  Worth every penny!

I started a new routine.  It goes like this: 

Friday night:  Order my groceries from Harris Teeter
Saturday morning:  John watches Jack, I Pick up groceries from Harris Teeter (more about this trick later) and make a quick Costco run if needed.  This is typically during Jack's nap so I do not miss much with him.
Sunday:  Begin cooking during Jack's naptime and after Jack goes to bed.  Freeze meals for the week ahead.

The first couple of weeks I did a lot of extra cooking even on weekday evenings after Jack was asleep to build up a stash of meals.  This was an AMAZING feeling!!!  My new routine allowed me to have dinner on the table every night...not just Five Guys or Pizza but a nutritious and delicious (hopefully) meal.  Usually, you will need to supplement your frozen meal with a salad.  You might try making a huge salad on Sunday night that you can eat throughout the week.  I also buy the "Steamers" when they're on sale at the grocery store.  You can just pop this bag of vegetables in the microwave for five minutes and Voila!, you have your vegetables and a balanced meal.

The nice thing about having this nightly routine is that...new routines can then be tacked on to this routine.  John has started going to the gym after Jack is in bed while I sometimes do extra cooking.  When your life lacks these basic routines, it can feel pretty out of control.  You may feel like you have no "grounding"...I felt like I was just making it through every day and collapsing into bed at the end...then, not even feeling very good about how it went.  This nightly routine has given me something to hold onto...and I feel a sense of MAJOR accomplishment, "Yes, I did that...we had dinner, ate healthy, can have leftovers for our lunch tomorrow."  We spend less on going out to dinner and buying lunches.  I also think it's important that Jack can be part of our nightly meal and it gives us family time.
After a few weeks of cooking, I ran out of ideas on meals to make that are freezer friendly.  I ordered two cookbooks on Amazon.com for freezer meals.  I'm not a big believer in cookbooks with websites out there like http://www.myrecipes.com/ and http://www.allrecipes.com/ but it is hard to find freezer meals on those sites.  Then, you have to adapt the meal yourself to double or tripple it...often it does not turn out quite how you like it when you do that.  I am going to tell you about the cookbook I like the best, first.  Once I work with this cookbook for awhile, I'll move on to the next.

The book is called "Fix, Freeze, Feast" by Kati Neville and Lindsay Tkacsik.  So far, there are many many things I love about this cookbook.  I will highlight a few of those and as I begin experimenting with the recipes, I'll continue to let you know how it is.  I'll then move on to the next cookbook. 
Here are some Fix, Freeze and Feast highlights.

1.  I love the binding on this book...it is satisfying to hold and read...very unique.  I know, this is a strange "highlight" but I do love it.

2.  Designed for people who shop at the "Warehouse" clubs.  Costco!  You know when you go to Costco and buy a "tray" of beef...it's usually 4-6 pounds and you split up the meat into 1 lb portions and freeze those?  (That is what I do.)  Or, you run out of time to do that and throw the whole thing in the freezer and end up with a solid brick of beef...6 pounds worth?  Well this cookbook uses the entire tray of beef for each recipe.  For example, one of the beef recipes is "Cheese Chilada Bake".  The first ingredient is one tray of beef (about 6 lbs).  The recipe makes four entrees, 8 servings each.  So you will be able to freeze four meals after cooking this recipe...or eat one that night, and freeze the other three!  Or give one to a neighbor, make their day, and freeze the remaining three.  They have created their recipes based on the large packages of meat from warehouse clubs.  Genius!

3.  I love the book's intro.  It outlines EVERYTHING you need to know to get started.  And it makes you excited to do it!  It discusses the basics of make-ahead meals, how to get organized with your shopping list, how to select ingredients/ingredient substitutes, how to shop, how to set up your kitchen before your cooking session to make it painless, how to prep your ingredients, how to put it all together, how to correct mistakes (like measuring an ingredient incorrectly, forgetting an ingredient, buying the wrong meat, finding something too salty, etc)...and a lot more helpful information is included as well.

4.  In the back of the book you will find an appendix...the appendix contains sample labels for your convenience!  You can photocopy these and tape them to your freezer containers...they are printed with baking instructions, times and temps.  Very similar to those you use at those meal preparation kitchens like "Let's Dish" or "Dinner Done"...

5.  The appendix also lists resources that include helpful websites, books, magazines, etc.  It also talks about community cooking options like a cooking club or a cooking co-op (which I may consider joining/starting).

So these are a few highlights of this new book I am beginning ("Fix, Freeze, Feast" by Kati Neville and Lindsay Tkacsik.).  I will let you know how the journey goes.  This weekend, I'll discuss how I've learned to simplify grocery shopping and make that a routine and easy part of my weekly life.

Long Day...

Jack has had a fever for 7 days now.  Started low and progressively gotten worse.  This morning at 103.3.  This is not normal!  They checked and no ear infection (took  him to doctor yesterday).  They sent off for a urine culture and I have a sinking feeling that this is another kidney infection.  I worry about the kidney infections and I worry about the constant antibiotics he has had to take because of them.  Then I worry about the C.Diff coming back b/c of the antibiotics and question myself everytime he cries wondering if that is now an issue.

These are the days it is hard to work.  Its hard to come to work, hard to be at work, and hard to focus at work.  I called the nurse this morning at 9:00 to tell her about this fever and still have not heard back.  Of course, she did call me back the one time I left my desk and now am still waiting...I am so frustrated.  John is staying home with Jack today, I stayed home with him yesterday and I'll probably stay home with him tomorrow.

The end of an era...

I quit pumping at work!!!  Jack is exactly nine months old.  I wanted to do this until he was 12 months.  He only had one ounce of formula when he was a day old and since then, had no formula.  I tested it out last week and it seems like he has no preference of breastmilk or formula.  So I thought, I'm going to stop pumping at work...and will continue to nurse him morning and evening.  Well, in one week, it seems my supply has totally adjusted to me not pumping during the day and I'm worried my supply will drop to the point it's not enough for him to nurse in the morning and evening.  All of the sudden, I'm very sad about it.  I also feel guilty about it.  Like I'm falling short, not making it to the one year mark.  It's been so tedious pumping twice every day at work.  And going to work with no pump bag in hand is a great feeling!  Freeeedom!  But today I  brought the pump again and thought, maybe I'll just pump once a day at least for another month...to ensure my body will continue to make enough for the morning and evening pump.  That will bring me to 10 months.  Then maybe my supply will stay up to get him to 11 months of morning/evening nurse and formula during the day.  Luckily, Jack isn't a picky kid.  He'll go to sleep just fine without nursing.  But I do think he likes the cuddle time...I know I do!!!!!!!!!  I'll really miss it. 

The other strange feeling is...well, I really don't like the baby stage very much.  I love JACK (so much sometimes its painful!), but I keep thinking, wow I'm going to love it when he's a "kid" and can talk to me, let me know what he's feeling, etc.  But this end of an era...the end of breast feeding...I just feel like...where is the time going!  It's too fast.  Before I know it, he's going to be getting married and I'll have to call him all the time to get him to remember me.  Okay, I'm getting way ahead of myself.  I just hope I'm not missing too much of this time...

Anyway, those are my thoughts today.  I'm sure it will continue to go round and round in my head until I feel I have some peace about the situation.  Not sure what to do about the BFing (Breast Feeding).

Better take care of my jewelry better!

This is nasty---I need to start taking better care of my jewelry:

http://jezebel.com/5688752/jewelry-is-a-filthy-poisonous-business

"The Juggle"

Thought-inspiring article from The Wall Street Journal blog, "The Juggle"

When Ambition and Reality Collide

What are your thoughts after reading this?  It took me over eight months but I realize that for the first time, I feel confident and good about my decision to be a full time working mom.  Constantly feeling conflicted about the decision was a huge weight on my shoulders...this article brings back some of my questions regarding if I am doing the right or wrong thing...

I do like working, Jack does like daycare.  A part time schedule would be nice but at this point in my life/career, its not the right time for that.

Lie Lie Lie

Hullo!

I'm so tired I am dilerious.  I had a hair appointment tonight (first haircut in 3-4 months) and after I needed to run by the grocery store to get Jack's prescription filled.  (Also, John had a hankering for ice cream and I told him I'd pick some up).  It was 8 pm and I sat in the parking lot before stepping out of the car just feeling...bleh!  Rubbing my eyes trying to gain some sort of...I don't know...normal feelings.  I hate it when I'm so tired that I am not really even aware of the people around me.  I remember this kid doing some strange dance in front of the security cameras coming into the store as I was leaving.  And this manager telling one of the employees she is so sorry she forgot about her.  You know when you just have these small glimpses but are just...out of it.  That's how I feel!  I didn't even know what the shampoo girl looked like until I had to look at her because she started going on and on about how Halloween is her favorite holiday of the year...more than her birthday even.  Anyway, I'm tired.  WHY am I tired? BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So he has had his share of health issues.  Three kidney infections, C. Diff, two ear infections, colds, yada yada.  I've gotten used to responding to everything with him...because of course, if he's sick, than that's what I'm goin to do! But now, oh WOW.  He loves sleeping in my bed.  Seriously!  He stretches out like a king with almost a grin on his face. So I got in this bad habit of bringing him into bed with us when he wakes up and I want to sleep...so much easier than dealing with his waking up all night.  I may have created a monster...not sure.  He wakes up soooooooooooooo much.  WOAH.  And he wants to be in our bed!  I had to take him to the pediatrician today for a follow up appt after his most recent kidney infection.  She said that first of all, around the nine month mark, they do tend to regress with sleep...they become more aware of the world around them.  But that we need to just pick a time, gut up and get Jack to stop associating MY BED (ME) with sleep.  Ugh.  Again?  We've had to do this before too.  It works quickly but its hard!  So tonight John is in charge.  When Jack wakes up, John has to basically go in and say, Hi Jack...its 1:30 AM...go to sleep.  Goodnight.  Something like that.  Something to let Jack know we're there but not playing.  As the doctor is telling me this, Jack is throwing his normal fits.  He's gotten pretty cranky lately b/c he is not really sleeping anymore...she pointed out I need sleep to be best for him and he needs sleep too!  And it's true.  So that's it...no more!  He has to learn.  I know everyone has their differing opinions on sleep methods but at the end of the day, it really does come down to you, your kid, your family and what works best.  I just can't go on anymore with so little sleep.  Over the weekend he was waking up every hour on the hour until I brought him into my bed.  My sleep method is to do what works, be consistent, and then lie to everyone who disagrees with  me?  You believe in co-sleeping and baby wearing?  ME TOO!  You believe in  Cry-it-out?  ME TOO!  You believe in whatever?  ME TOO!  I honestly don't care b/c I  hate hearing peoples opinions.  I'm too tired to have a discussion with anyone about their opinion. BAH!  I'm tired.  Going to sleep.  If you disagree with me, then lie.  Or else...we're not friends anymore.  HAHAHA.  Kidding kind of.  This is what sleep deprivation can do to a person!  I can't even carry a conversation and my tooth hurts so now I'm worried I have something wrong with my teeth.  GOODNIGHT!

Making Friends...

I find this blog so inspiring: http://revmomma.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-friends.html

The writer is a pastor at my church...and I love the authenticity.  Reading Beth's blog is almost therapeutic...to read someone else's thoughts and realize...I'm not alone.  It's nice!

So tonight, I'm writing a post on her blog post.  Hopefully this is okay...

Her post spurred several thoughts...

I'm ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS, very conflicted on the SAHM (Stay at home mom) vs. WM (Working mom) decision.  I know myself.  I enjoy working.  I've always enjoyed working.  So I generally enjoy going to work, being around coworkers, feeling a sense of accomplishment, making money, spending money...but I can't stop thinking about how many hours I'm away from my son.  John drops him at daycare at 7:15, I pick him up at 4:00.  It's especially hard after a weekend of being with Jack 24/7.  And realizing that, while my days sometimes seem to go relatively fast, it's actually a long time that I'm away from him. What is he doing and how is he feeling during that time?  He does love his daycare but...still.  So then I start thinking, maybe I should ask if I can work part time?  Or maybe I should not work at all?  I dont know if I'd be happy not working at all.  And ideally I'd like to wait a couple of years to work part time...but am I doing the wrong thing by working full time?  Am I doing a disservice to Jack?  Am I going to really regret this later and wish I could rewind time?  I'm just full of doubt and guilt.  Lots of neighbors around here are stay at home moms and I can't help but feel bad around them.  I'm sensitive to the issue so sometimes even well-meaning comments sting a little.  So with all that said, it seems impossible to know what I should do.  Lately I've been wondering how I can actually keep it all together at this point...making sure we have food in the house, dinners, clean house, time with John, time with Jack...and forget about doing anything that's just for myself.  I spend a fraction of the time I used to with friends.  But this is just life as a working mom.  Not even SAHMs will understand that.  As a working mom, you're away from your kid(s) so much already that you just cannot then come home and do anything with other people and spend even more time away from him.  And since Jack is a SUPER active kid and NOT a napper, I dont even have 2 or 3 hour blocks on weekends to fit things in.  This is just life!  And I do love it (I think)!  But am I doing the right thing?

So Beth's thoughts on friends being hard to make as an adult I totally get. I feel like I make friends easily but I think thats why its been a huge adjustment as a mom...I have no time.  So what do I do with the friends once I make the connection?  I dont have time to do anything.  And then there is that division:  SAHM vs. WM.  It really is different.  Working moms may not understand the challenges of staying at home and I know that I dont think SAHM's understand the challenges of being a working mom...well, some do. 

So those were my thoughts.  And basically, since becoming a mom, I never feel like I totally know my niche.  What am I supposed to do?  What does God want me to do?  What is best for my son, for my family?  There is no clear cut answer!  And regarding God and my faith...I feel like it's almost non-existant and I have no clue how to get it back.  It's like I am so focused on just getting through the day successfully that I've really neglected my spiritual life.  It's been that way for awhile though...even before Jack. 

Anyway, I'm done!  Jack has ANOTHER kidney infection.  I asked the doctor, am I doing something wrong?  She said, no.  There is nothing you can do.  We've done all the tests.  EVerything is "normal".  We did a surgery that was supposed to take care of this but it didn't.  Turns out he is just very prone to these and so now he'll stay on antibiotics for the next 6-12 months, or until he grows out of this (hopefully he does).  It's stressful.  I have to admit I'm sort of proud of myself for being able to work while managing his health issues over the past 8 months b/c that has taken a ton of time.  Started off with him being just plain colicky/refluxy...Three kidney infections, C. Diff, 2 ear infections, and 2 colds later I sometimes feel like I've been to hell and back over the past 8 months.  I have NO LEAVE.  And I feel like I haven't done a good job at work.  But oh well!  I'm glad to have resolved this latest kidney infection.  He went to doctor two days in a row for two shots of a strong antibiotic in each leg.  So of course he has major diarreah.  I was trying to let him air out when I got home from work today with no diaper but that was a very bad idea for obvious reasons...which reminds me, I must go clean!

Depressing...

As I sit here and watch the Sex and the City movie on HBO (Am I paying for HBO? I had no idea I had these channels.), I am thinking.


I just returned from Denver today. I was there this week for a work conference. I was on the conference planning team for the past year…for the past six months, I’ve dreaded this conference. I mean, DREADED it. Jack turned six months on Monday. Hence why for six months, I’ve dreaded leaving. Two weeks before the conference, I was asked to be the “Master of Ceremonies” for the conference. What is worse than dreading? Whatever it is, that’s what I did. Master of Ceremonies? Who…ME?! ? WHY!!! Prior to knowing I was the MC of the conference, I was making myself feel better about the trip thinking…I need to be positive. You know…for six months, I haven’t had one second to myself. I haven’t done anything just…for me. This would be my time! I could sleep in, I could watch movies on TV, I could go out each night with friends/coworkers…this could be a great time. As I sat in front of my boss, watching the words fall out of her mouth, asking me to be the MC, my dreams of relaxation were dashed as I envisioned myself in front of 240 people from across the country.

In the end, the MC experience was a great one. I got very positive feedback and think I did a pretty good job. It took my mind off of being away from Jack and John and I really enjoyed it. I loved being in front of everyone, meeting new people and feeling like I was doing something that added to the conference. On the last night, which was last night, I treated myself to a new pair of Ray Ban sunglasses. These:

So now, let’s talk about Denver…Ew! I don’t like that city! So many young, edgy, aggressive, druggie, homeless people…everywhere! And I saw something that really disturbed me. REALLY disturbed me. My stomach still turns as I think about it. I hope it soon fades from my memory but right now, it’s imprinted on my brain. It’s about 10:00 pm. A bunch of friends/coworkers and I are walking back to the hotel from dinner. It’s a GORGEOUS summer night, with no humidity. A crowd is gathered around an artist who is using spray paint to create art. I approach the crowd to get a better view and notice a baby (maybe one year old) in a stroller. I notice babies so much now…never did before. My first thought is, this poor baby should be at home in bed. I really feel sorry for babies who get dragged around by their parents, don’t get the sleep they need…you know how you feel when you don’t get the sleep you need. My second thought is, Wow these fumes are strong. This baby should not be inhaling these fumes. And then I see the dad. A strung- out homeless druggie with missing teeth. He’s telling the baby she better stop crying or he’ll lock her in the stroller. He takes her out of the stroller and starts kind of shaking her (not violently) saying, “What’s the matter! What’s the matter!” Not in a gentle nurturing voice…more of a yell…like a “shut up” tone. I see tears running down the babies face and my heart literally broke at that moment. I’m thinking, “Let me tell you what’s the matter. It’s 10:00. She needs to be at home in bed. Not out here around a bunch of your homeless friends, also on drugs, inhaling paint fumes while you sit here and yell at her telling her to stop crying or you’ll lock her in the stroller.” This kid…she has no chance. All the cards are stacked against her. As I write this, my stomach just feels sick. I wish I could erase the memory. As we continued to walk back to the hotel, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I thought, I wish I could help people like this. Then I thought, I could never have a job where I had to help these people…b/c I can’t get it out of my head. It just breaks my HEART. I feel sick. And I would never be able to function. I have to pretend that stuff does not exist. But when you see that stuff, it smacks you in the face, that for tons of children in this world, it DOES exist. They have no support, no one to answer their cries, no one to give them a hug, no one to tuck them into bed to make sure they get the sleep they need…all they have is parents on drugs who don’t answer any of their needs and just tell them if they don’t stop crying they’ll lock them in the stroller. Makes me sick. Literally. The only positive that came of this is…it alleviated some of the guilt I feel for having let Jack “cry it out” very early on when I had to teach him he needed to sleep apart from me. I thought, Jack has it pretty darn good compared to millions of children out there. I wish I could have taken that little girl home with me.

Aside from that, life is good. I’m struggling to achieve balance, still. But I’m sure that will come in time. Jack is absolutely adorable. He is just…awesome. I was so happy to get home to him today. In a way, I’m happy John and Jack had the chance to hang out this week, just the two of them. I’m happy Jack had time to bond with his aunt (Maggie) and both grandmas. They all came over to lend John a hand. But I missed him like crazy!!!

The Angry Mom Blog

Someone said I should title my blog "The Angry Mom Blog" since I tend to only write it in when something is bothering me.

It's been too long.  I miss you blog!!!  I was thinking of taking a creative writing class...maybe something online...then I was like, why not just write in my blog? 

Where do I BEGIN?

Let's see...I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out who the new "me" is.  What I mean is, I'm having an identity crisis!  I've always been somewhat of an "all or nothing" person meaning I do what I do really well or don't do it at all.  I'm finding that as a mom, that's impossible.  I can't be a superstar at work because well, frankly, I'm not willing to work a minute past 3:30.  My hours are from 7:00 am - 3:30 pm.  Jack's had some pretty big health issues (they seem big to me anyway) over the past five months and I've had to take a lot of time off work.  So I don't feel like a success at work.  At the same time, I don't feel like a success as a mom.  How am I a success?  I only see my son 2 hours each day before he goes to bed for the night.  I also feel like a failure as a friend...because I really can't do anything anymore.  I work full time and so the time I'm not working, I want and need to spend it with the fam.  So I feel just like...a failure.  This is dramatic and probably a very negative way of looking at it.  But I'm sure it will get better...I hope.

In other news, Jack is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!  After two kidney infections, C. Diff, ear infections, reflux, colds, yada yada yada...he is finally feeling GOOD and just so cute and adorable and HAPPY.  Oh and for all you with easy babies, stop saying, "Oh my baby is so happy!"  GUHHHHHHHHHH that is so annoying to me.  Jack is NOT easy and pretty...tempermental...but I like to think he is so happy even though not easy.  I'm going to start saying, "Oh my baby is so SMART."  Difficult babies must be smart ;)

K I'm done.

Tired

First, I want to post a picture of Sarah, Bastian, Jack and me.  (Sorry if my grammar is wrong in that sentence...I always hate it when people say for example, "John and me went to the grocery store..." instead of "John and I went to the grocery store."  Would you say, "ME went to the grocery store?"  No...NO you wouldn't!  So why would you say "So-and-so and ME went/did/whatever anything!"  Ahh I HATE that!  Anyway I digress...)

Sarah and I went walkng the other day...we'd been meaning to get pictures of us and the BOB's for awhile...we finally did!  I had to get the Cutco knife representative I'd been suckered into letting come over to take the picture for us since John wasn't home.  I also had to whip out a boob and feed Jack in the middle of her presentation.  Just kidding...I used the Hooter Hider.  But I did acknowledge to her that it was probably a strange presentation for her...and I did buy knives.  So hopefully she thought it was worth it.  Here are the pics...I look terrible but they are cute, nonetheless.  Jack and Bastian have both graduated from the infant car seat adapter!

I'm having a rough day.  I'm exhausted...last night we went to dinner and even though we tried to get home before Jack's bedtime and with enough time to go through the routine, it took Jack out of his normal routine and he was extremely difficult.  Because he got to bed maybe 15 minutes later than he ever does (8:15), he didn't sleep as well as he normally does and woke up earlier than he usually does (5:00 AM).  I know I'm lucky to have a baby that sleeps so long but I'M STILL GOING TO COMPLAIN!!!!!!!  Please don't say, "Oh wow you're lucky! Who cares that Jack doesn't sleep well during the day?"  I DO, okay!?!  I care.  It's completely exhausting.  I'm caring more and more with each day that passes.  Way back when, when Jack was two weeks old, I had to let him cry one night so that he would learn to sleep in the crib.  It really only took that one night...sometimes I still feel guilty about ever letting him "cry it out" but I had to, I was about to fall apart and I didn't want his first word to be the F word which he was hearing a lot of since he would only sleep on my chest and was waking up like every HOUR.  (I don't promote cussing...just sayin...I was hardly hanging on.)  Well, during the days I felt like I should roll with the punches.  And the doctor said that until  he were four months old, try to just deal with it during the day.  Which I totally did.  But now, I seriously am about to freak OUT.  Its like, JACK...what the #(*&#(&@????  What is this about?  He wakes up after 30-45 minutes of each nap and then needs to go down again after another hour.  We can't go ANYWHERE.  If we do, he wont sleep and is a mess.  I want a routine!  Where is the routine?  I write down everything he does and then study it, searching desperately for any sign that a routine may be emerging.  But no!  I never see the signs.  He still SUCKS at naps and I'm going crazy!  I can't deal with his CONSTANT fussing all day long, since he is never really fully rested except for first thing in the morning after his 10-11 hour sleep that night.  I'm trying to tell Jack he is looking less and less cute the longer this goes on but he doesn't seem to care?  So he is over four months old now and that's when they say you may need to let the babies cry a little more...but I just can't do it...and believe it or not...he really knows how to get me to jump.  My mom made me wait three minutes before I'd respond to him freaking out one day.  He was just sitting there on my lap and started freakin b/c my mom and I were having a conversation, and not focused on only him.  He DEMANDS attention and just lost it.  So I started entertaining him and doing what I do and my mom said, NO...do not respond to this...I'm setting my watch for three minutes and you have to have a conversation with me while he cries...don't even look at him.  I was like, I can't doooooooooooo itttttttttttt!!!  But I tried and two minutes later, less than three, he quit crying so I started paying attention to him again.  But I feel like I'm getting bossed around by this little guy!  My mom said when I was little, after a meltdown at the pediatrician, the doctor told her to read the book by Dobson on how to raise a strong willed child.  And I really think I have a mini-version of myself on my hands.  John was like, why...WHYYYYYYYY?????  We're so exhausted...today was a long day.  We wanted to go to the farmers market but didn't even make it out of the neighborhood...Jack had already started crying and I couldn't take it anymore.  We pulled a u-turn and went back home.  Anyway, just had to vent.

More to write but I'm too tired. 

Definition of Success

Today at work we had  this conference...and there was a motivational speaker.  He was pretty much your typical motivational speaker, speaking about the typical motivational speaker stuff.  He had everyone write down their definition of success and their definition of balance. I started feeling like, well I dont know what I define as success now.  In a way, I don't feel like a success at work and I don't feel like a success as a mom b/c I'm not doing either of them 100%.  At work, I can't really chase down any career aspirations b/c I want to keep a lower stress job that is more conducive to being a mother.  But at home, I am only home with Jack for 3-4 hours before he goes to bed each night during the week.  That's hardly being a really great mother.  So is it better to be not very good at anything you do or give up something so you can focus on one area of your life?  I don't know...but it sort of put me in a bad mood!

I also decided, I'm not going to this conference early.  No way!  I'll go when everyone else goes.  Originally the team lead wanted me there early to help set up...but I'll tell her to find someone else from our team to help.  Jack is getting to the point where he really prefers me (very satisfying haha!) and I want to be with him as much as I can.

I called the advice nurse tonigh b/c sometimes I wonder why Jack will wake up from an occasional nap screaming bloody murder...he goes from sleeping to screaming.  MOST naps he wakes up and just gives out a little cry to let me know he's awake and ready for me to come get him.  SOME naps he just screamsssssssss!!!  So I asked, "How do I know something isn't wrong?"  She was like, Lauren...by now we know...well, I dont know how else to say...your son is high maitenance.  He isn't afraid to let you know when something, anything, is bothering him.  He could be waking up and just possibly a little disoriented...or just wants you to pick him up RIGHT NOW.  I was like, I know...he really is very high maitenance.  Sometimes I need that reminder.  I need to remember to not get so stressed wondering, what's wrong now?  She told me her third child NEVER ever cried...to the point where he one day cried, so she took him to the doctor immediately, and he turned out to be extremely extremely ill...but never let on until after he had been really sick for a long time.  My son lets me know if the wind blew his hair in the wrong direction.  But you know...that makes him EXACTLY like me.  If he doesn't look like me, I guess I am happy he acts like me  :)

Tonight John and I took him to the pool.  I've gone a few times with him but I get sort of nervous b/c I'm with him by myself and can't get into the big pool with him since there are no stairs (only the metal ones) making it hard to get in with him in my arms.  Since John was there, we all three could get into the main pool together...Jack loveeeeeeeeeeed it.  John helped him kick and Jack even put his face under (oops...this wasn't purposeful)...but it didn't phase him.  It was so adorable.  It wore Jack out and as soon as we got home, I gave him a warm bath, oiled him up, fed him, and he was out like a light by 7:00.  Really nice family introduced themselves to us at the pool.

HEre is a picture of Jack and me at my parents house over the weekend for Allison and Greg's baby shower.  At first I didn't like the picture of me but now I love this picture of us.

Someone walked in on me...

*I meant to post this on June 10*
I cannot BELIEVE it is June 10, 2010!!! Where DOES the time go? Jack’s four month doctors appointment is on June 22. I wish I could say we’ve only been to the doctors for his two day, 1 week, 2 week, 2 month, and 4 month doctors appointment. NO! NOT the case! Between Jack and Bailey (refer back to my previous post on Bailey), we are at the doctor all the time! I hope Jack isn’t like Bailey…I just shuddered as I wrote that. For Jack we’ve been to the doctors office numerous times…reflux, ear infection, URINARY TRACT INFECTION/KIDNEY INFECTION. UgH!!! But hopefully we’re in the clear now.

Work is going fantastic as I mentioned in my prior post. I feel engaged, love the people, love the agency, love what the future may hold. I have a conference in August. It’s only once every two years and I feel I need to go, although I know no one is forcing me to. I have been debating it for a long time now…so this week I finally bit the bullet and registered. Six whole days away from my little family. I will have to pump every night for 48 nights so that I have enough milk to last Jack the entire time I’m gone, assuming I pump 5 ounces each night. I hate pumping! When I’m there, I’ll have to pump as often as Jack would normally eat and then store it…I requested a fridge in the room and will send the milk back using dry ice. I could probably just dump it and not bring it back with me but I hate pumping and wouldn’t want to waste the milk! Last night as I was falling asleep I sort of got an anxiety attack thinking, what if Jack starts preferring the bottle while I’m gone since he’ll go six whole days without nursing? Ugh. That would be a horrible thing. I cherish that time I have with him. I don’t feel like people understand b/c when I mention it, people say, “He’ll be six months.” I know you can stop breastfeeding then but I want to breastfeed for a full year. OR I start worrying, what if he DOESN’T start preferring the bottle and has a really hard time not having that time with ME while I’m gone? John is REALLY great with Jack and Jack loves being with John but still, I’m the mom! So I guess when I’m awake I feel like, okay I can do this. But as the day starts winding down and I become tired, my mind starts whirring and I get a LOT of anxiety about this trip. On the other hand, it’s going to be a blast. We’re going to Denver and there is a lot to do there! I’ll be able to socialize at night, watch movies in my hotel room, and sleep in past 5:00 AM! Heavennnnnnn!!!!!
Akward moment of the day: Someone walking in on me while I was pumping. I thought I was the only one with a key to this “employee file room” but apparently not. When I heard the key turning, I yelled “someone’s in here!” Luckily it was a woman but when she saw me, she just continued on in and started filing things around me. Akward! I spilled milk all over my pants and somehow had a big wet mark on my butt. And only produced like half as much milk.

I'm bacccccccccccck!

I'm such a bad blogger.  I've gone weeks (I think) without writing.   I refuse to let it go!  I will continue on!  This will not be just another phase! (Like hamsters, fruit dehydraters, fish tanks, etc.)

Well, I'm just...exhausted.  kay goodnight!

Just kidding.

Well Jack is just getting over a Urinary Tract Infection.  I really don't feel like going into that story but basically after five or six weeks of being told he has an ear infection, then just a virus, etc...we found out (after a trip to the ER) he has had a UTI.  I mean, POOR GUY!!!  What the HECK man! (John HATES it when I say "what the heck man!")  So after a week on Cefellin, he has blood (a lot) in his stool.  Doctor said thats normal (Thank God).  He had to have a renal ultrasound and "VCUG" at the hospital on Monday.  By some miracle, he didn't cry during the VCUG which is good b/c they said if he did, the test might not work.  I was like, you must be kidding me you CRAZY NURSE!!!  But he didn't cry!  It was amazing.  He freaked out during the ultrasound which was the easy part.

Work is going...well, great!  I love being back at work and I love coming home to Jack in the late afternoons.  Especially now that he actually is a happy baby since he is feeling better for the first time in well, EVER.

Jack LOVES Nilda (the babysitter).  This is ideal...I love our situation.

I need some blopics.  Can anyone throw out some topics for me to blog about?  Anything!!!  (well, within reason)

Shout out to Lauren who reminded me to blog tonight!  (Different Lauren)

More consistent blogging coming soon!  For now, check out Jack's ROLLS!  Can't beat those!  These pics were taken by my friend Marie when we walked to her house one afternoon while John worked on installing her new faucet.

SAHM or WOHM

I just completed my third week back to work.  There are pros and cons to being a WOHM (I made that up...Work out of Home Mom) and pros and cons to being a SAHM (Stay at Home Mom).

I thought being a SAHM was much harder until I started learnign some cons to being a WOHM.  As a stay at home mom (on maternity leave), I relished a couple hours here and there where I could go to Target or go get my nails done or see a friend.  Now, I relish the time I have with Jack since I am away from him for nine hours every day.  I had book club tonight but I couldnt go b/c I wanted to be here when Jack went to bed.  He didn't get to bed until a little later than usual so I didn't go to book club.  Tomorrow I have a meeting at church which I might end up skipping (I already feel bad b/c I skipped the last one too).  I'm having a bunch of other moms over for brunch at 10:30 which of course I'm not skipping, plus it includes the babies!  I have a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure that I don't know when I'll use.  I have things in my car I need to return and I don't know when I'll return them.  My house is a mess.  I have so many great friends willing to babysit  but I don't want to give up any of the time I have with Jack so don't want a babysitter.

So in this way, I guess working is hard...But of course there are reasons why it is easier too.

Just a thought!

Hard Night

Well, my grandmother is leaving tomorrow.  It was great having her here and its sad to see her go.  Too bad we can't convince her to spend more time here...maybe during the long Wisconsin winters she could be here.  Anyway, Jack is just not acting right.  I dont think his ear infection has gone away and the antibiotics are done tomorrow.  He has a low grade fever off and on.  And he is not acting right at all.  It makes me so worried.  Johns mom is watching him this week and she couldnt get him to nap today...she says he falls asleep and then suddenly wakes up like he is in pain.  When I got home at 4, he acted so relieved to see me.  But because he was so tired, I could barely keep him up.  Literally, he was falling asleep as I gave him medicine.  He didn't look right at all.  I had been thinking he was just over tired from being away this wknd.  Now I'm thinking there is something more going on.  I will go to work in the morning and call the doctor when they open to see if I can get him in for an appointment. 

Tonight he completely fell asleep by 6...I mean, I could NOT keep him awake for anything, not even to eat.  I had told my friend Elizabeth I would go to Buy Buy Baby to help her register (for her twins!!!).  I know she didn't want to wait until 8 which is when I thought the earliest I could be there was...but I called her at six since thats when Jack fell asleep.  John called me shortly after I got to the store b/c he had already woken up.  I wanted to come home but John told me not to so I didn't.  John got him back to sleep but I'm just having such mixed feelings about working.  I hate being away from him and when I get home, I have no idea why he is acting like he is.  Because I wasn't with him.  I also felt guilty not being there when he woke up tonight.  I know John is great with him but I want to be there when he isn't feeling good.  I just really thought he was down for the night.  So tonight has been a struggle.  The wedding was great because it was my brother but it would take another sibling getting married for me to leave town and go through this again.  Jack is just not a go with the flow baby and its not fair to him to drag him around outside of his routine.

Well, I'll keep you posted on the doctor's appointment if I decide to take him in tomorrow.

Jack has a new aunt...and he is a nudist.

Andrew and Whitney got married! The wedding went off without a hitch and they looked like a couple straight out of a magazine...JCrew I'd have to say.

I was very nervous going into this weekend. It was located in Mathews, Virginia...Whitney's hometown. I wasn't sure how Jack would do off his routine. Not great!!! He didn't sleep in the car ride down of course (stop and go traffic and he always cries when we're not moving...stop and go set the tone for the rest of the trip). We rented a house on the grounds where the reception was located. Got to the house around 4. Jack was already on the brink of melting down. I left him with grandma while I went to the rehearsal which was supposed to be only thirty minutes (starting at 5:30) but didn't even get STARTED for 30 minutes and then lasted an hour or an hour and a half. I was supposed to be there since I was reading scripture but had to leave early to get back to Jack and grandma. Grandma and I made it to the rehearsal dinner but Jack and I didn't last long. He burst out in the middle of my dad's toast. John tried walking him around in the Beco but even that didn't work so Jack and I went home. I was worried he wouldnt sleep at night either since he never sleeps anywhere but his crib...but he slept perfectly in the pack n' play!!! Only thing is, I didn't get him in there until 9:30, after we went through his bedtime routine. Just because he goes to bed late, does not mean he'll wake up late. In fact, they say just the opposite happens. Typically, the more your baby sleeps, the better he'll continue to sleep. The less/worse he sleeps, the worse he'll continue to sleep, like a vicious cycle. Anyway, he woke up at his usual 5:30. He also woke up at 4:00 AM. I don't know how people who have the baby sleep in the same room do it. I wake up SO much more...b/c I hear every little peep. In fact, this morning (our second night there), he was makign a lot of noise around 3:30 AM. I woke up to feed him but was thinking, I know he isn't really hungry. I decided to wait a minute to see how it would play out. Turns out, he was just busy in his diaper and went rigth back to sleep until 5:30 when he typically wakes up. Anywho, so each night he got 2 bed about 2 hours later than normal, meaning we started both of our days there at a two hour sleep defecit. Saturday was wonderful. We had family and friends visiting all day, in and out. He met Grandma Rowland for the first time...and loved her.  check out this video.

He also met Dixie and Colleen this weekend...my mom's childhood friends :)

You can see he is practically naked in almost all pictures. That is because he LOVES being naked. If all else fails, strip off his clothes and normally, he is happy as a clam!

Bouncing back to the reception...before I finally brought him to bed at 8:30 (melting down)...John carried him around in the Beco carried (one of our saving graces)...

I then brought him up to bed but because people thought the bathrooms were for anyone's use, while giving Jack a bath I had people I didn't even know knocking on the door...maybe five times.  oh wells!

Here are some other pics from the wedding...

My cousin ADAM---ladies, this man is single!!!

My cousins, Kristen and Stephanie...Kristen (left) waved hello to Jack during the ceremony at which time, Jack burst out crying and exploded his diaper, shooting poop all the way up the back of his cute outfit.  I used disposables for the wknd...darn disposables!  I never have that problem with cloth.  I took Jack outside to change him since his screams were audible anywhere in the church...but made it back in for the good stuff.

Emily (my sister) and Jason (BIL), Jack's God Parents

My mom and me...

John and Jack snoozing on the porch Saturday afternoon...Jack is such a catnapper and sleeps much better ON you...

Confusion!

I’ve been reading more of “The Milk Memos”. Basically, it’s a bunch of letters some women at IBM exchanged in their lactation room while pumping. They didn’t know each other but started writing in this notebook that was sitting on the table while they pumped. They’re all different with different view points and opinions but majority of the women, wish they would not have to work. It makes me think, does it make you a “bad mom” if you work by choice? I know “bad mom” is a little dramatic, but do you know what I mean? I think that if I really wanted to stay home, we could make it work…but I’ve always enjoyed working. I like the interactions I get with coworkers and the stimulation I get from the work. In addition, I like to spend money! I’ve always liked spending money! I like nice things! Do you watch Modern Family? There is an episode where the father impulsively quits his job as a lawyer and goes home to tell his partner, who is a stay at home dad to their adopted daughter. The stay at home dad freaks a little because he is like, “but I like nice things!” You probably have to watch it to think that’s funny but it is HILARIOUS and I really related to that. ANYway, I have all these ideas in my head…first and foremost…new kitchen! If I didn’t work, I would have to make do with what we have. Sure, that’s not the end of the world but I think its fun to earn money and then develop a plan to save it and spend it to reach our goals. I really love dealing with finances and get a lot of satisfaction from paying the bills.

On the other hand, I hate leaving Jack! I spend alllllll of my waking moments with him when I am home since I miss so much time with him during the week. I don’t WANT him to get used to being with someone else during the day and I don’t want to miss any of his milestones either! So clearly, I want the best of both worlds. My old job was super flexible b/c I was 100% commission. I loved the job but the stress was so high that I knew it would be hard to be a good mom…I was so distracted all the time. Hmm…I have zero clarity on this issue so until I do, guess I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news, I just pumped 16.25 oz in 15 minutes(ish). Is this crazy? That’s more than a soda I think! Possibly a soda and a half.  Does my body think I have twins? Gosh!

I’m missing Jack a lot today.

Long Morning but fantastic "push present"!!!

So you know how in my last post I mentioned how Jack seemed under the weather but maybe its because he is adjusting to me being back at work? WELL, turns out he IS under the weather.

Jack sleeps 10-11 hours straight at night. That's right, 10-11 hours. Unbelievable!!! But I woke up to the sound of him choking and gagging (reflux symptom). He wasnt even crying but I could hear it from the other room over our fan! So he woke up and was fussy...could tell he was uncomfortable. Slept with him in guest room. When the walk in hours to doctors office started I took him in. Four hours later I left. But glad we went because not only did he need a big dosage increase on the Prevacid since he is now 15 lbs 12 oz (at 10 weeks 4 days...holy cow!) but he had a fever and ear infection too. Ear infections are common in reflux babies apparently. So, now we have antibiotics too. Poor little guy. What a trooper he is.

SO, I got home and john gave me my mothers day gifts!!! I got amethyst studs for mothers day and an amethyst ring for my "push present". amethyst is jacks birthstone. my push present (what I get for pushing out the baby) is 10 weeks late! John is refusing to say its a push present and says its for mothers day because he thinks push presents are stupid but i disagree. I harrassed him so much for that push present so im definitely calling it what it is...a push present!!! Here is a pic. 'scuse my appearance...no time to look pretty :)

Thoughts...

Meant to post this yesterday...wrote it at lunch.

I think one of the hard things about being a working mom is that since you miss out on so much time during the day, you don’t want to miss a second with your baby when you’re home. We have lots of people willing to babysit but I don’t want to go anywhere without him. At the same time, I miss my favorite restaurants, long shopping trips, and movies! Heck, I even miss watching movies at home…I’m too tired to stay up that much longer after he’s gone to bed!

It’s so hard to be productive and focused at work after ten weeks off. This week there is an agency convention type thing down in Florida…so half the office is there…very quiet around here. Nice week to get started…on the other hand, a little too quiet…easy to be too relaxed.

I finally have a room to pump in so I don’t have to squat on an open toilet on the first floor. I was going to the first floor so that no one would know who it is pumping…I felt that would be akward. I think I make a ton more milk than Jack needs. I pumped 12, I repeat TWELVE ounces in 15 minutes this morning. I pump on average about 22 oz each day while I’m at work. Feed him myself before I leave for work in the morning. Get home from work at 4:00 and feed him once then and then whenever he wants until bed. I wonder how much is a normal amount to pump? I do this three times each day. I wonder how often others do? Maybe I should feel guilty for having to take this time off of work but I have not been taking lunch on many of the days so far…either that or I build one of the pumping sessions into my lunch.

I feel differently about working every day. One day I think, I really like this and am so glad to be back at work. The next I feel a little down all day long and feel I’m missing too much time with Jack. I noticed Jack has not been very smiley this week. I thought maybe he is under the weather…now I’m thinking…maybe he is adjusting to me being gone all day? I miss him a lot. The other thing is, since I get home at 4:00, I miss a lot of the day. If he is not smiley when I get home, I don’t really know why. When I was home with him all day, I’d know it was maybe b/c he didn’t take naps…or whatever!

Once John goes back to work in another week, his mother will be watching Jack. This was the best I thought, to keep him in family care until the three month mark. John’s mom took off an entire week to help us. Now I wonder if it would make me AND Jack feel better just to start with the babysitter and get settled in his long term routine. I just don’t know though b/c I think Johns mom already has requested the time off. It is a good chance for Johns mom and Jack to bond though.

I’m pretty sure we’re going to join the pool this summer! We have two pools within a couple of miles of us…I think I chose which one I want to go to. I just think it would be really fun to go to the pool with Jack after work for a couple hours a few nights each week, considering how much he loves the water! I already bought him swim diapers.

Too Sexy!

Lots to say...

I guess I have a lot to say today...

So today was Grandma's turn at babysitting.  Tomorrow it will be John again.  Grandma is fantastic.  We really think Jack has turned a corner (or he is sick?).  He slept from 8-10 this morning.  Then again from 1:30-4:20ish...mostly in his crib.  Maybe she is calmer than I am so he is calmer and sleeps better?  But even before, she couldnt get him to sleep much past an hour.  Now he is sleeping these amazing naps.  We were sitting in my living room talking waiting for my mom to come pick grandma up...and we heard him kind of fussing.  It was sort of a different kind of fussing than I've heard before so I rushed up and found him smooshed against the crib railings.  Guess its time I put the crib bumpers back into the crib now that he is rolling around some.  Okay not smooshed but the top of his head somehow became pushed against it.  His poor head had a big dent in it.  But he didn't even cry!  I felt sorry for him.  I picked him up and fed him...he fell asleep immediately.  I thought he wouldn't sleep well tonight but believe it or not, he went down without a peep around 8:20.  I don't get it!  But it's great.  By the way you can't even see the dent in his head anymore.  Baby's heads are kind of amazing, huh?

Katie came by for a few minutes and she took my strollers out to play around with them for a few minutes since she's trying to learn..she's expecting a little one in October.  But can you believe she isnt going to find out the gender?  I admire people with that kind of discipline.  I couldnt WAIT to find out. 

Then our friend Brian, who is in town from North Carolina, came to visit us.  He's a natural with babies.  I took a picture so his wife can check it out :) Jack completely passed out on Brian.  Guess its just one of those sleepy types of days.

Another noteworthy event...my sister was kind of like...afraid of Jack.  A lot of people think they're gonna break him.  But he is becomign a lot more fun....check out this picture of Emily and Jack.  So cute.

Cute pics...