The end of an era...

I quit pumping at work!!!  Jack is exactly nine months old.  I wanted to do this until he was 12 months.  He only had one ounce of formula when he was a day old and since then, had no formula.  I tested it out last week and it seems like he has no preference of breastmilk or formula.  So I thought, I'm going to stop pumping at work...and will continue to nurse him morning and evening.  Well, in one week, it seems my supply has totally adjusted to me not pumping during the day and I'm worried my supply will drop to the point it's not enough for him to nurse in the morning and evening.  All of the sudden, I'm very sad about it.  I also feel guilty about it.  Like I'm falling short, not making it to the one year mark.  It's been so tedious pumping twice every day at work.  And going to work with no pump bag in hand is a great feeling!  Freeeedom!  But today I  brought the pump again and thought, maybe I'll just pump once a day at least for another month...to ensure my body will continue to make enough for the morning and evening pump.  That will bring me to 10 months.  Then maybe my supply will stay up to get him to 11 months of morning/evening nurse and formula during the day.  Luckily, Jack isn't a picky kid.  He'll go to sleep just fine without nursing.  But I do think he likes the cuddle time...I know I do!!!!!!!!!  I'll really miss it. 

The other strange feeling is...well, I really don't like the baby stage very much.  I love JACK (so much sometimes its painful!), but I keep thinking, wow I'm going to love it when he's a "kid" and can talk to me, let me know what he's feeling, etc.  But this end of an era...the end of breast feeding...I just feel like...where is the time going!  It's too fast.  Before I know it, he's going to be getting married and I'll have to call him all the time to get him to remember me.  Okay, I'm getting way ahead of myself.  I just hope I'm not missing too much of this time...

Anyway, those are my thoughts today.  I'm sure it will continue to go round and round in my head until I feel I have some peace about the situation.  Not sure what to do about the BFing (Breast Feeding).

Someone walked in on me...

*I meant to post this on June 10*
I cannot BELIEVE it is June 10, 2010!!! Where DOES the time go? Jack’s four month doctors appointment is on June 22. I wish I could say we’ve only been to the doctors for his two day, 1 week, 2 week, 2 month, and 4 month doctors appointment. NO! NOT the case! Between Jack and Bailey (refer back to my previous post on Bailey), we are at the doctor all the time! I hope Jack isn’t like Bailey…I just shuddered as I wrote that. For Jack we’ve been to the doctors office numerous times…reflux, ear infection, URINARY TRACT INFECTION/KIDNEY INFECTION. UgH!!! But hopefully we’re in the clear now.

Work is going fantastic as I mentioned in my prior post. I feel engaged, love the people, love the agency, love what the future may hold. I have a conference in August. It’s only once every two years and I feel I need to go, although I know no one is forcing me to. I have been debating it for a long time now…so this week I finally bit the bullet and registered. Six whole days away from my little family. I will have to pump every night for 48 nights so that I have enough milk to last Jack the entire time I’m gone, assuming I pump 5 ounces each night. I hate pumping! When I’m there, I’ll have to pump as often as Jack would normally eat and then store it…I requested a fridge in the room and will send the milk back using dry ice. I could probably just dump it and not bring it back with me but I hate pumping and wouldn’t want to waste the milk! Last night as I was falling asleep I sort of got an anxiety attack thinking, what if Jack starts preferring the bottle while I’m gone since he’ll go six whole days without nursing? Ugh. That would be a horrible thing. I cherish that time I have with him. I don’t feel like people understand b/c when I mention it, people say, “He’ll be six months.” I know you can stop breastfeeding then but I want to breastfeed for a full year. OR I start worrying, what if he DOESN’T start preferring the bottle and has a really hard time not having that time with ME while I’m gone? John is REALLY great with Jack and Jack loves being with John but still, I’m the mom! So I guess when I’m awake I feel like, okay I can do this. But as the day starts winding down and I become tired, my mind starts whirring and I get a LOT of anxiety about this trip. On the other hand, it’s going to be a blast. We’re going to Denver and there is a lot to do there! I’ll be able to socialize at night, watch movies in my hotel room, and sleep in past 5:00 AM! Heavennnnnnn!!!!!
Akward moment of the day: Someone walking in on me while I was pumping. I thought I was the only one with a key to this “employee file room” but apparently not. When I heard the key turning, I yelled “someone’s in here!” Luckily it was a woman but when she saw me, she just continued on in and started filing things around me. Akward! I spilled milk all over my pants and somehow had a big wet mark on my butt. And only produced like half as much milk.

Confusion!

I’ve been reading more of “The Milk Memos”. Basically, it’s a bunch of letters some women at IBM exchanged in their lactation room while pumping. They didn’t know each other but started writing in this notebook that was sitting on the table while they pumped. They’re all different with different view points and opinions but majority of the women, wish they would not have to work. It makes me think, does it make you a “bad mom” if you work by choice? I know “bad mom” is a little dramatic, but do you know what I mean? I think that if I really wanted to stay home, we could make it work…but I’ve always enjoyed working. I like the interactions I get with coworkers and the stimulation I get from the work. In addition, I like to spend money! I’ve always liked spending money! I like nice things! Do you watch Modern Family? There is an episode where the father impulsively quits his job as a lawyer and goes home to tell his partner, who is a stay at home dad to their adopted daughter. The stay at home dad freaks a little because he is like, “but I like nice things!” You probably have to watch it to think that’s funny but it is HILARIOUS and I really related to that. ANYway, I have all these ideas in my head…first and foremost…new kitchen! If I didn’t work, I would have to make do with what we have. Sure, that’s not the end of the world but I think its fun to earn money and then develop a plan to save it and spend it to reach our goals. I really love dealing with finances and get a lot of satisfaction from paying the bills.

On the other hand, I hate leaving Jack! I spend alllllll of my waking moments with him when I am home since I miss so much time with him during the week. I don’t WANT him to get used to being with someone else during the day and I don’t want to miss any of his milestones either! So clearly, I want the best of both worlds. My old job was super flexible b/c I was 100% commission. I loved the job but the stress was so high that I knew it would be hard to be a good mom…I was so distracted all the time. Hmm…I have zero clarity on this issue so until I do, guess I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news, I just pumped 16.25 oz in 15 minutes(ish). Is this crazy? That’s more than a soda I think! Possibly a soda and a half.  Does my body think I have twins? Gosh!

I’m missing Jack a lot today.

Thoughts...

Meant to post this yesterday...wrote it at lunch.

I think one of the hard things about being a working mom is that since you miss out on so much time during the day, you don’t want to miss a second with your baby when you’re home. We have lots of people willing to babysit but I don’t want to go anywhere without him. At the same time, I miss my favorite restaurants, long shopping trips, and movies! Heck, I even miss watching movies at home…I’m too tired to stay up that much longer after he’s gone to bed!

It’s so hard to be productive and focused at work after ten weeks off. This week there is an agency convention type thing down in Florida…so half the office is there…very quiet around here. Nice week to get started…on the other hand, a little too quiet…easy to be too relaxed.

I finally have a room to pump in so I don’t have to squat on an open toilet on the first floor. I was going to the first floor so that no one would know who it is pumping…I felt that would be akward. I think I make a ton more milk than Jack needs. I pumped 12, I repeat TWELVE ounces in 15 minutes this morning. I pump on average about 22 oz each day while I’m at work. Feed him myself before I leave for work in the morning. Get home from work at 4:00 and feed him once then and then whenever he wants until bed. I wonder how much is a normal amount to pump? I do this three times each day. I wonder how often others do? Maybe I should feel guilty for having to take this time off of work but I have not been taking lunch on many of the days so far…either that or I build one of the pumping sessions into my lunch.

I feel differently about working every day. One day I think, I really like this and am so glad to be back at work. The next I feel a little down all day long and feel I’m missing too much time with Jack. I noticed Jack has not been very smiley this week. I thought maybe he is under the weather…now I’m thinking…maybe he is adjusting to me being gone all day? I miss him a lot. The other thing is, since I get home at 4:00, I miss a lot of the day. If he is not smiley when I get home, I don’t really know why. When I was home with him all day, I’d know it was maybe b/c he didn’t take naps…or whatever!

Once John goes back to work in another week, his mother will be watching Jack. This was the best I thought, to keep him in family care until the three month mark. John’s mom took off an entire week to help us. Now I wonder if it would make me AND Jack feel better just to start with the babysitter and get settled in his long term routine. I just don’t know though b/c I think Johns mom already has requested the time off. It is a good chance for Johns mom and Jack to bond though.

I’m pretty sure we’re going to join the pool this summer! We have two pools within a couple of miles of us…I think I chose which one I want to go to. I just think it would be really fun to go to the pool with Jack after work for a couple hours a few nights each week, considering how much he loves the water! I already bought him swim diapers.

The Milk Memos

After I wrote my small blog excerpt yesterday, the day only improved. I met with my supervisor at 1 for a meeting I requested. I wanted to talk to her about telework and I wanted to talk to her about my projects and making sure I stay busy so my days go fast and I feel like if I have to be away from my baby, at least I’m doing important work and contributing. Well, the meeting was great. I was concerned about teleworking. I turned down the opportunity before my maternity leave. I thought (and others think) that when you’re new, it is important to be seen around the office. I asked Linda if she thought teleworking would hurt me professionally. She told me it won’t hurt me a bit and that I’ve been here for almost one year. We’ll start with one day a week in June, then move to two days a week. I’m thrilled. I’ll be able to spend an hour of lunch with Jack each afternoon. I’ll be able to drop him at 7 and pick him up at 3:30 and maybe feed him each day so I only have to pump the three days/week I’m in the office. How convenient to have him so close by with the sitter. Anyway, we’re so fortunate to work for such a family-friendly agency (John and I work for the same government agency) where we have these benefits like alternate work schedules (John has every other Friday off) and telework (between John and I we’ll be teleworking three days/week). So today, I feel better again. I guess it’s natural to be up and down for the first few weeks while you leave your baby at home and go to work. I’m used to it  I can switch emotions pretty quickly!




So in addition to the telework, Linda, my supervisor, answered a lot of questions for me on my projects, I let her know where I’m interested in becoming more involved. And she told me multiple times how happy they are to have me back, how they think I do a great job, etc. It just made me feel awesome. Did I mention when I came back to work there was a “Welcome Back” banner at my cube (made by my boss!!!) signed with little notes by all of my coworkers? I’m so lucky…I have great coworkers.



John stayed with Jack all day yesterday. My grandma and him are switching off for the next couple of weeks. I came home, and Jack was in a GREAT mood! John must have done a fantastic job. In fact, Jack didn’t cry at all, all evening. I got home from work at 4 and he never cried…not even going to bed. He was just happy as can be! This morning, I only knew he was awake b/c I heard him sneeze a couple of times in his crib. I went in to check on him to see if he can actually sneeze in his sleep and he was just chillin in his crib, slowly waking up. So I picked him up and fed him. Still, no crying! That rice cereal really did the trick. He still does that choking/gagging thing occasionally (I noticed he did it this morning) so I know the reflux is still there but it must not be as painful b/c he isn’t crying nearly as much. Not only that but I think he is just getting to the age where a lot of the colicky babies outgrow it. But here is the funny thing…John went to bed at like 8:30 or 9 pm. I think all men should play Mr. Mom at least once or twice…they need to know how its so exhausting…b/c its hard to explain that.



I paid the bills last night and paid off Johns car. Not to say it’s only b/c of me we were able to do that but it was a reminder of why its nice that I’m working NOW…so we can do that…then LATER, maybe we’ll try to keep things very simple so that staying home can remain an option for me if I decide that’s best as my kids grow.



So, the reason I wanted to blog today was to tell you about a book entitled “The Milk Memos”. A friend commented on my blog that she would recommend that book…so I ordered it on Amazon immediately. It came yesterday and I have read a couple of chapters today while pumping. I’d have to say it’s a MUST read for any mom’s planning on returning to work and breastfeeding. It’s inspirational even! They also include templates for logging how much you pump and when. Or you can use their template to give to your day care provider on when your baby eats and how much. I really love this book. Answers a ton of good questions. As I sat, pumping, on an open toilet on the first floor of our building (I’m on the 8th floor but found the least used bathroom in the building), I felt like I’m not alone and I’m doing this with tons of other moms out there too! It’s kind of peaceful down there…the lights turn off half way through since there is no movement (motion scensored lighting). We all feel mixed feelings when returning to work and it’s completely normal. And that it’s not even bad if you kind of LIKE working and returning to work…Anyway, I think you should go purchase this book today! I really loved this excerpt and it reminded me of how I was able to reconnect with my friend Sarah, from high school, and her little cutie Bastian.  Here is the excerpt from "The Milk Memos" (by Cate Colburn-Smith and Andrea Serrette).  It is from page 25.

"Find new mommy friends by "flirting" with other moms at the pediatrician's office, at church, in the library, or at your neighborhood park.  Any woman carrying a breaskpump bag is a sure target..." blah blah blah.  I just liked the "flirting with other moms" part.

Returning to Work...

Tomorrow is my first day back at work.  agh!  WOAH.

In a sense, I'm looking forward to working.  I've always worked and enjoyed working.  Thank goodness about half way through my maternity leave I reconnected with a friend from high school who has a son three weeks older than Jack.  I have talked about Bastian in similar posts.  They both came over today with Ian (husband and dad).  Here is a picture Ian took of us...

Bastian kind of looks like..."This party sucks." and it looks like Jack is like, "Hey you...Bastian...remember me/  We've been walking together."  I'll miss our walks but Sarah and I are going to find a way to walk on weekends now.  Anywho...today John and I had some friends over from church (plus Sarah, Ian, and Bastian).  Here are a couple of pictures...

The poor little guy was soooo tired by the end...I felt guilty keeping him awake.  Our house is tiny so all the noise I think got to him by the end of the cookout.  The rest of the day was rough but I got some fantastic smiles out of him before bed. 

So...I made myself a to-do list toinght so I could get everything possible done tonight...all I have to do tomorrow is shower, dress (clothes are already ironed and laying out!), eat breakfast, and feed Jack.  John packed out lunches for us so thats done.  I'll have to set up Jack's bottles even though i really have no idea how much he'll eat.  I'll leave for work at 6:30, Grandma arrives at 6:45, John leaves for work at 7.  I'm nervous no one can do it like me...I guess I must deep down think I'm pretty AWESOME.  I dont even know how John will do it.  (My grandma and John are alternating days this week).  Now that grandma has him on rice cereal though he is soooo much easier.  He naps during the day!  Miracle!!!  I feel a little more comfortable leaving him with her now...I was worried he would completely exhaust her.  She is even bringing food here tomorrow so she can make us dinner.  So sweet :) 

A couple things I'm thinking about for tomorrow...Where will I pump!!!  I have to figure that out or I might end up in my car which is a little weird and inconvenient.  Also, will I miss him too much?  I am  feeling a little weepy about it now.  On the other hand, staying at home is TOUGH work for many reasons but the only one that seems a little TOO hard is that I get no people interaction.  Sure my neighbors are outside and I talk with them, and I met up with friends now and then...but those interactions only take up a couple hours a day...no where near the amount of interaction you get in an office.  By the end of the day I am so lathargic.  so this way I'll be able to have my interaction with people and really look forward to seeing Jack at the end of the day.  I'll be home by 4:00 every day which isn't bad.  And some in my office telework twice a week.  I am allowd to telework 1 day each week and I may ask if I can eventually telework twice/week.  That would be nice b/c my day would be over at 3:30 and I could walk over and get Jack or even have lunch with him. 

I really want to make sure when I go back to work that I have lots of work to do b/c I want my days to fly by...so hopefully I can meet with my boss tomorrow to get that underway!  I'll let you know how it goes!

Breastfeeding...at 8. Is this a joke???

Seriously, is this a joke? This just...freaky.  I keep getting the chills thinking about it.

I'm a Mom!

I'm a mom!  I have wanted to start writing all about it from day 1...but Jack is now 22 days old and I'm just starting!

I had hoped to write in detail about my experiences before I forgot anything...things like...giving birth with no epidural but NOT by choice!  The feelings I had for the first two weeks...being completely overwhelmed, wondering "What have I done!?", crying constantly...hormones!  Oh yeah, and breast feeding!  That was tough at the beginning!  I will hopefully write about those topics later but in this post, I'm going to just start writing and see where it takes me.

As I write this, I'm listening to my baby cry.  YES!!!  I'm LISTENING to him CRY!!!  I learned quickly not to talk too much about my parenting tactics...as it quickly invites feedback from lots of people with different opinions.  If I already felt evil for letting Jack "cry it out", I felt even more evil after listening to everyone and their mother's opinions on the matter.  (Some people think that you will damage your baby psychologically by letting them cry at this age, or that your baby will stop crying eventually because they just don't trust you and don't expect you to help.) 

My  goal is for Jack to nap IN HIS CRIB once before noon, and once after noon and at night.   At night, we put him in his crib to sleep and yes, the first time we put him down for the night, we do have to listen to him "cry it out"...luckily, I'm married to The Baby Whisperer.  More about that later...

So how did I decide on the "cry it out" method?

It all started on February 23rd, 2010, the day Jack was born.  The hospital told us to do as much "skin-on-skin" time as possible.  Actually, I enjoyed this.  It reminds the baby of being in the womb (I guess) and promotes an easier "transition"...I still do not know what that is supposed to mean but it must be good!  For the first two weeks, they encouraged as much skin-on-skin time as possible.  We took this to heart and Jack was curled up against our chests in frog position around the clock.  We came home from the hospital on Wednesday, the 24th...and of course, when it was bed time, I put him in his crib!  Where else?!  (I always thought it was ridiculous to hear of people who had their kids in bed with them.)  Well, I was in for a rude awakening.  Jack hated the crib.  So I quickly picked him up and tucked him in with me...only I couldnt sleep!  I was worried I'd roll on him!  So we moved down to the basement and slept in the recliner together...which is where we slept for several nights.  After acquiring a huge knot in my back and missing my husband WAY too much, Jack and I decided to move back up to the bed to see if we could both get better sleep.  (In the recliner, Jack woke up to eat constantly...at least every hour I'd say.)  Jack and I got maybe slightly better sleep in the bed, but John moved into the guest room...we figured, at least one person needed to get sleep and since John can't breastfeed, it would be him!  Well another week went by and I was getting more and more exhausted, ovewhelmed, and depressed.  Johns sister came to visit that afternoon and asked where Jack was sleeping.  When I told her in bed with me, she told me I would kill him and Jack would possibly die.  Gotta love this type of advice.  Actually, co-sleeping is considered to be best by many but we won't go into that.  But I did miss being able to sleep in the same bed with John and having at least SOME of what I considered to be "normal".  The truth was, I was worried about rolling on Jack or covering him too much with the sheets and wasn't sleeping well at all.  He was waking up every hour and a half...it was tough.  The next day we had his two week appointment with the doctor.  I asked her (she is rated top doctor by washingtonian magazine so she must know what she's doing) for her input on the sleep situation and she told me, I need to let him cry!  He NEEDS to sleep in his crib and right now, his only "sleep association" is me.  she explained that we all have sleep associations.  For example, as adults, we association our beds with sleep.  If we went to bed, and woke up under the dining room table, we'd get up and go back to bed.  Jack had learned ME as his sleep association...and so when I put him down ANYWHERE, day or night, whether it be the crib, the pack n' play, the swing, ANYWHERE (even his dads arms), he would cry and cry until I picked him back up.  And since I never let him cry, I was ALWAYS carrying him.  So she said, I need to teach him new sleep associations...his crib, maybe a bath could eventually be part of the routine...and she said when I do put him in his crib, he needs to be at least slightly awake so he learns to fall asleep in his crib.  Babies wake up every 45 minutes and so if I put him in his crib asleep, 45 minutes he'll wake up crying!  Hearing her tell me it was really important to let him cry and teach him to sleep in his crib was exactly what I wanted to hear!  I kept asking her if he was too young to let cry, if I would scar him, etc...she said, "He does NOT look like the type of kid who is going to be neglected."  She said he just needs to know that at night, I do my job, I make sure he is clean, changed, and fed...she didn't think he'd cry for more than 15-20 minutes but said if he does, to just go in the room, and pat his head or whatever.  So...we did this. 

Night One:  He cried for an hour and a half.  Torture!  I cried the whole time too!  This wasn't full fledged crying..just random outbursts...we reassured him every 20 minutes or so...after an hour and a half, I picked him up and fed him, put him back down...and he went to sleep WITHOUT crying...for 4.5 hours!  He woke up again, I fed him, changed him, put him back down, and he slept for 3.5 hours!  Same thing again and he slept for 2 hours!  The next night he only cried for 20 minutes.  We have nights that are great (one nigth he slept 6 hours straight) and the regress to where he wakes up every two hours)...We have nights where he hardly cries at all the first time I put him down, and nights where we have to go in every ten minutes or so for an hour or a little more to reassure him.  I promised myself I would no longer post anything on Facebook about what I'm doing b/c I can't handle people telling me that I'm doing the wrong thing.  I promised myself I would no longer read books or message boards online b/c there are so many different opinions out there...I constantly second guess myself and wonder if I'm doing the right thing...and when you're completely exhausted by the time bedtime rolls around, listening to your baby cry and wondering if you're causing major psychological damage by letting him cry (which is what MANY people believe)...its TOO hard.  I decided from now on, when I have any question, I'll call the advice nurse at the pediatrician or ask the doctor...and then listen to them.  Why would I have them as doctors if I dont trust what they tell me?  I think we have to do what we believe is best in our gut!  We have to do what will keep us sane and make us the best parents!  We also need to do what is best for the baby!  By evening, Jack is sometimes so overtired (he stays alert for long periods during the day without napping some days) and so overstimulated from me carrying him around everywhere and taking him places, that he won't sleep ANYWHERE (not even in my arms) without crying for a long time!  So, I do think we're taking the right aproach with him.  He's been napping IN HIS CRIB for the last 30 minutes and he only cried (little outbursts nothing major) for about 5-10 minutes.

So we have had some huge breakthroughs with Jack in just three weeks.

Breakthrough #1:  Breastfeeding!  I cried and cried.  This was so hard!  I thought we'd never learn!  But we did...and it didn't take long!  Now, he's becoming pretty chunky (In fact, I want to ask the doctor if babies can gain TOO much weight on breastmilk).  He also loves nursing and it sooths him so I'm happy to have something so easy that will stop crying and even put him to sleep...I know, I'm supposed to put him to sleep awake but I don't always do that...sometimes I cheat :)  One more thing...the doctor wants him to ideally be taking at least one nap in the morning in his crib, and one nap in the afternoon.  So thats my goal.  I find even if its for just 20 minutes, it helps him cry less at night since I feel like he must remember the crib from the afternoon.  If we go an entire day with no crib, the crib seems to annoy him more by the evening and we go through more crying.

Breakthrough #2:  Sleeping!  We went from him being held by me 95% of the day and night.  He wouldnt let anyone else hold him...he'd turn himself inside out to get back to me if he heard my voice.  He woke up every hour and a half.  NOW, a typical night consists of him sleeping his long stretch of anywhere from 4-6 hours.  He wakes up so happy :)  And I sometimes feel like waking him up b/c I can't wait to cuddle with him!

Every day is a new challenge and I realize there is so much to learn!  I decided early on that I would focus on only one thing at a time.  I wanted to master breast feeding before I worried about sleep.  Which we did!  But sleep became a big issue!  Now, I can see we're well on our way to mastering sleep.  I wonder what the next hurdle will be!

Tonight we have his first St. Paddy's Day Celebration at my Mother-In-Law's.  I'm nervous b/c I notice the more I take him out, the more crying he does at night before he goes to sleep.  I think its because he gets so tired...but St. Patricks Day is a huge deal to my mother-in-law!  So we'll be there in the St Patricks Day outfit she bought him.

I also can't wait to blog about how I'm so excited for my friends to have their babies (lots of pregnant friends!), for how nervous I am about returning back to work and how I really don't want to, how John really is a Baby Whisperer, how the baby seems to look like his dad but have my temperment (uh oh), and maybe even about the baby products I've learned to love.  Maybe eventually I can start to blog about things non-baby related but that seems to be my world right now...which I will also blog about!  How can something so little mean so much!?