I'm a wimp!

I think there exists some mothers who can listen to crying and stay strong and have confidence they're doing everything (almost everything) right.  I'm not one of them!  Jack has gotten to the point where he cries almost all of his waking hours.  We'll have a good day here and there...I think probably because he wears himself out so much that he has a day here and there where he will actually sleep some.  But lately, if he is up for 12 hours, he may snooze (like when we're on a walk or whatever) for an hour or two of the day, but cry HARD the rest of the day.  There is absolutely nothing I can do.  The doctor says to just roll with the punches and let him sleep however he'll sleep.  Today he wouldn't even sleep on our walk...he cried the second half of it so I started running so we could get home sooner.  He still was happy for his bath.  He is so miserable I feel sorry for him!  I luckily know that regardless of how his day goes, he'll still be sleeping for the night by 8 pm.  My neighbor, who is 46 years old and mother of 6 (her youngest being 6 months old) tells me her 6 month old who suffers from bad reflux and a peanut allergy (that took about 5 months to discover) still wakes up about every two hours through the night and only stopped crying about a month ago.  Karen took Jack from me and held him for about 15 minutes to give me a break.  She is a baby whisperer...she soothed him pretty fast.  Of course if she stopped moving he would cry but still!  I probably would have a complete meltdown if he wasn't such a good sleeper at night.  He is being baptised this Sunday...I VERY much hope that he has a good day on Sunday so that the party at my parents will be fun.

This morning I took him to the woman who will be watching him after I go back to work.  The lactation consultant at my pediatrician thought I should do that a few times before I go back to work to get them acquainted with each other.  So I did this morning so that John and I could do some shoppin for his party on Sunday.  It was easy in that I know he likes her..he smiles a lot at her.  It was hard in that it reminded me I have to go back to work and I can't stand the thought of leaving him.  I guess I COULD stay home with him but I feel I might enjoy working (always have) and I should give it a fair shot.  I'm glad my babysitter lives next door to the mother of six b/c when Jack did his choking/gagging (b/c of the reflux), the babysitter freaked out and asked Karen what was happening.  Karen explained that its because of the reflux.  The babysitter also thinks maybe he doesn't sleep during the day b/c I hold him too much and Karen also explained that you don't really have a choice with reflux babies.  Although I will give the babysitter credit...when I picked Jack up a few hours later, he was sleeping on his couch surrounded by pillows.  Guess he wouldn't sleep in the pack n' play.  I'm worried about weird things with her though...like will she listen to me when I say not to microwave the milk?  You're not supposed to microwave the milk b/c it will kill some of the good stuff in the milk.  Will she keep track of when he is eating and how much so I know how often to pump and how much I should store up before work?  Will she keep track of when and how long he is sleeping so I know what to shoot for on the weekends?  Maybe I shouldn't expect these things from her.  But most of all, I'm worried about the fact that I'll have only four hours with Jack each night before he goes to bed.  I feel incredibly guilty.  I also feel guilty that I have even attempted letting him cry it out during the day.  I thought I had turned a corner with the naps but apparently not...crying it out during the day just does not work for Jack so I'm just going to continue the long walks and carrying him in the carrier all day to build in sleep.  The doctor thinks that during the day, just do whatever it takes to get him to sleep and I don't need to let him cry it out too much until maybe he is four months or so.

I'm concerned people will think I'm miserable after reading my blog...which I'm not!  My BABY seems to be miserable but I'm in love :)  And John and I have never had anything better than Jack.  But it IS an adventure!  I  guess parenthood can be hard to describe...very challenging but the best thing ever all at the same time.

After I picked Jack up from the babysitter, I took him to the doctor for his two month appointment.  He got two shots and apparently they were NOT pleasant b/c he cried for the rest of the day.  I gave him Tylenol twice but didn't seem to make a difference.  It's hard to know if he is crying b/c he is collicky, or because of the reflux, or because of the shots?  I just feel sorry for him.  He really did cry from like 2:00 pm to 8:00 pm unless he were nursing and even then he was kind of crying.  The pediatrician gave me a pharmacy name that can flavor the prevacid...so maybe more of it will go down now (he hates the taste and spits it out) so that he'll feel better.  We'll see!  We pick up the prevacid tomorrow.

In other news, Mr. Chubby is in the 99th percentile for weight at 14 lbs 4 oz.  He is 8 weeks 3 days old.  What on earth!  Fat (but adorable)!!!  And he is only 65th percentile in height.  He has the Geraghty gene's!  Hey, John said it first.

On "The Office" when Pam was asked how she liked maternity leave she said, "It rocked..It rocked my ass off!"  I wish mine did!  I feel like right when he starts feeling a little better I'll be back at work.  I can barely stand the thought of leaving him when he isn't feeling good.  Luckily, my grandma will be here for a couple weeks, then John is taking a couple weeks off to be with the baby, and John's mom volunteered to take a couple of weeks off...so we'll keep him with family and it will be good for him to bond with them.  All I know is that when I go back to work I hope I can find work to keep me busy b/c it will be torturous to go to work and not even be engaged and all the while knowing my baby is with someone else all day.  I only have one more week at home!  Boo!

Sorry for this downer post!